Why does it always seem to be the mum who’s 'in charge of the calendar'?

In fact, more than one friend of mine is in charge of making sure her husband spends enough time with his parents.

“I’ll have to check with my wife - she’s in charge of the calendar.”

That’s what a dad said to me when I asked if his son could make it to my daughter’s upcoming birthday party.

Look, I’m not here to shame a man for deferring to his female spouse.

I know a lot of women in male/female relationships who would sell a kidney for a partner who actually checks before RSVP’ing to an event.

But I couldn’t help but think: Why does it always seem to be the mum who’s “In Charge of the Calendar”?

I know. I’m being ranty. But underneath this maternal rage is a deeper issue. Image: Supplied

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That's not "mental load"

This isn’t a full-time-mum + working dad = role allocation equation. His wife works full time!

She has a job, deadlines, direct reports, a LinkedIn profile that says “Transforming Company Culture” and she’s still the keeper of the calendar.

Maybe she likes it. Maybe she’s peak maternal gatekeeper. Maybe she gets a small thrill colour-coding playdates and meal prepping while listening to her favourite podcast after the kids are asleep. That’s fine.

But what I know is this: she’s not alone.

In almost every hetero couple I know, the woman is not only scheduling her child’s entire social life, but also making sure her partner remembers his own best mate’s birthday.

In fact, more than one friend of mine is in charge of making sure her husband spends enough time with his parents.

That’s not “mental load.”

That’s a whole separate Google Calendar with its own anxiety setting. 

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I know just one straight dad who manages most of the family logistics

We talk about “the mental load” a lot (maybe the phrase has become an ear worm) but that’s because the song keeps playing.

This isn’t just about remembering to buy the present or pick up extra cupcakes on the way. It’s about who gets appointed Family Operations Manager by default. Who becomes the hub of communication, coordination and emotional labour without the job application.

And here’s the thing: I don’t think men are outsourcing this stuff because they’re too busy.

The women in these scenarios also work, often just as many hours.

The difference is, one party has been conditioned to see relational logistics (birthdays, playdates, thank you messages, and time with the bloody in-laws) as their domain. While the other is allowed to float somewhere between begrudging assistant and well-intentioned intern.

It’s so sad that I know just one straight dad who manages most of the family logistics.

He does the drop-offs, organises the kids’ Halloween costumes and put his hand up for class parent earlier this year. He does it not because he works fewer hours, but because someone had to.

And the most annoying part is that I’m so fricken impressed by the way he’s doing exactly what women have always been doing on the reg that he gets his own paragraph! 

I know. I’m being ranty. But underneath this maternal rage is a deeper issue.

RELATED: 'Women who regret having kids aren’t narcissists' 

When men don’t engage with the day-to-day minutiae of family life, they not only contribute to their female partner’s burnout, they also rob themselves of connection. Of community. Of standing around awkwardly at playgrounds making small talk with other parents until you stumble into actual friendship.

So much research is showing that men are more isolated than ever.

Doing more of the initiating and organising might just help them feel more in it.

So next time a dad says, “I’ll have to check with my wife,” I might just smile and say, “She sounds amazing. But hey, you’re allowed to play with that calendar too.”

Originally published as Why does it always seem to be the mum who’s 'in charge of the calendar'?