The heartbreaking text my mum sent about her favourite child

"It's not you, and this is why."

As told to Nama Winston

3 min read

March 4, 2025 - 1:05PM

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Parenting

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I’ve always had a tumultuous relationship with my mum.

When I was younger, we were extremely close and used to do everything together.

I grew up thinking that her behaviour was totally normal, but when I met my husband, he gently alluded to the fact that it wasn’t.

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"It's always a row with mum"

I would watch how his family interacted and be amazed at how different the dynamic was. How reasonable his mum was. How low-maintenance, fair and easy-going she was.

It was a stark contrast to what I grew up with.

As an example, if my mum didn’t get the right type of flowers on Mother’s Day or we didn’t praise her in exactly the right way on her birthday card, there would be a row. Not just a few short words, but a full-blown World War III-type blow up.

She once chased my sister and I down the street screaming at us as we drove off to our flat – all because we didn’t cook the right thing for her birthday dinner.

Often, we’d laugh about the behaviour and brush it aside, saying she was just endearingly “impossible”.

But there were other things, too, that were even more hurtful.

For one, she always used to say that she loved one of us the “best in the whole world” – in front of her other children.

Image: iStock

The text my mum sent about my sister

Even now, she tells everyone that my kids are her favourite, knowing full well how hurtful that is to my siblings and their children.

I recently told my mum that I was following my dream to write my first novel, and her reply floored me: “You know who should write a book?" she said. "Your sister. She writes so beautifully.”

I thought about it afterwards and imagined if one of my daughters had said to me, “Mummy, I really want to be a ballerina”. I thought about how it would feel to squash that dream by saying, “You know who can dance? Your sister. She should be the ballerina.” I felt sick at the thought.

Last week, a lot of the simmering tension between us bubbled up and my mum and I had an argument over the phone. Afterwards she sent me a charming text message that read:

"Your sister is my no.1 girl!!! (yes, there were three exclamation marks). My best friend, who looks after me every day!! Not you."

I sat there incredulous as I read the message over and over. I tried not to let it hurt my feelings, but it did.

“What do you think of this?” I asked my husband when he got home from work.

“Wow, that’s so messed up,” he said, giving me a hug.

"She never knew any different"

It got me thinking about the importance of breaking generational patterns as a parent.

My mum grew up with a mother who used to compare her to her sister all the time and play mind games.

Like my mum, my grandma was branded “impossible" and had everyone grovelling to her demands. Everyone else was always in the wrong, never her.

My mum grew up thinking that this kind of behaviour was normal and she never knew any different, so sadly she continued the pattern.

When I became a parent, I really wanted to break the cycle. I thought long and hard about our family history and focused on being self-aware of destructive generational patterns and being accountable for my behaviour.

Coming from this background made me more resolute about creating a brighter future for my daughters, one where they're not pitted against or compared to each other, but rather taught to celebrate each other's strengths and successes.

A few hours after my mum's text message, she sent a message saying, ‘let’s not fight’. It wasn’t an apology and I know there will never be one.

But rather than feeling angry, I’m trying to approach the situation with gratitude in my heart. I’m learning from her mistakes. Even if she won't.