My husband's never here and my friends are worried for me with the kids

"I'm always told I'm taking on a lot, but I thought that's just the way it has to be."

Anonymous

3 min read

October 26, 2023 - 9:13AM

Parenting

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“I feel like every time I talk to you, your husband is away doing his own thing and you are stuck with the kids.”

My best friend, who doesn’t have any children of her own, said this to me recently. And it threw me a little. Because, well I felt the exact same way but hadn't said anything out loud as I thought this was just the way it was.

It’s just easier for dads to go away for the weekend or pop out a few times during the week. It’s just easier for them to accidentally fall asleep on the couch, after work or lie in during the weekend.

I am the default parent.

I have to actively seek time for myself all whilst planning everyone else’s life – I can’t just take off for a couple of days. It’s just the way it is as a mum?

That is what I have been telling myself for years…

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"I'm the default parent"

And then another friend, who does have children, said the same thing to me: “I feel like your husband is always away doing his thing – I’m worried you are taking on a lot.”

This comment has been said to me by two different friends within the last couple of weeks and it has made me realise as a Mum it is so much harder to make time for myself.

I’m the default parent that does daycare drop off and pick-ups because my job isn't as important and doesn’t pay as much. I'm the parent who always plans every meal, wakes up during the night, keeps on top of washing, cooks and prepares all the food, plans extracurricular activities, is in charge of organising playdates, makes sure we are spending enough time with family, and the list could go on… forever.

This is just some of the mental and physical load that I am dealing with.

So when my friend then says, “would your husband be happy for you to go away for a couple of nights for some you time?”

I immediately think, yes of course he would be happy to. And I know he would be happy for this to happen.

And I have since asked him and he said, “Yes of course, go for it.”

But it’s not that simple for the default parent to just go away.

Image: iStock

"It's much easier for him to leave"

For him, he just gives us some notice and then leaves. Done. He doesn’t have to think about what the kids will eat that weekend, worry if they are sick, stress about nap times, ensure the housework gets done for the next week.

He just goes. And I continue being the default parent…. doing what feels like everything for our family.

But if I want to go away, I have to do all the things I normally do before I even leave the house. Plan the meals, cook the meals so I know the kids are eating, stay on top of housework so it’s not all there when I get back.

By the time I get all this done, I’m almost too exhausted to even think about myself and plan yet another thing.

And that’s not even to mention the amount of mum guilt and mental load that comes along with “just going away”.

Am I the only mum out there that finds this so hard? Is this how it is supposed to be?

It’s gotten to the point where I often think getting divorce would be easier because that way my children’s dad would be forced into being the default parent 50% of the time and I would actually get a break.