If you're married and your husband is at work, you're not a single mum

"There are only two criteria that qualify you as a single mum," a sole parent of 15 years writes. 

There are only two criteria that qualify you as a single mum. And it’s not being married with your husband at work. So kindly stop making those 'jokes'.

Public Service Announcement: these are the only criteria:

1. Single AND

2. A mum.

That is all. Very simple.

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Image: Nama Winston

"I'm a single mum this weekend"

It drives me nuts when I hear my married friends say things like, "I'm a single mum this weekend hahhaha."

I get why the temptation to say this untruth is there, and laugh about it, because you're going to be 'alone' looking after your kids for 48 hours. But I'm here to advocate for us mums doing it alone, so please let me explain.

When I was married, my husband was absent with work a lot. But I never for a second would have dreamed of calling myself a ‘work widow’ or ‘single mum’ - because I was not either of those things. 

It’s not a joke to call yourself a single mum when you aren’t one. It just makes single mums feel less understood.

Your single mum weekend is not a permanent situation. When we are raising our kids alone, it's not on the understanding that their dad is out there working to support the family.

My husband was always absent but I'd never have called myself a single mum

I've raised a child alone, like, properly on my own

When I was married more than a decade ago, I was raising a child alone in my home while my husband was at work. But I did not go to work. I was on maternity leave.

My husband was at work. The money he earned in his work – his income – was dedicated wholly to support the people with whom he resided – his wife and his son.

When he was at work, he was working to support the people with whom he shared a home. I was not single and nor was he. If I was alone with my son, there was still another adult doing their agreed role in the family.

But most single mums I know do not have that deal with the father of their kids.

So if you do have the benefit of such a deal, and your husband is away for work or working long hours – and you’re exhausted and overwhelmed – you have my compassion and understanding, but you are still not a single mum.

Just because you feel there’s an imbalance in your marriage doesn't mean you're alone as a single mum is.

I’m not at all saying that married mums have it easier – this is not a competition. I know many married mums who live in abusive households while I live in peace.

I'm also not remotely saying that single mums have a crap life. Far from it (but that's a story for another time).

I’ve now been a single mum for 15 years

I was the one who did the leaving and I’ve absolutely loved the life I’ve created for me and my son, Winston, who’s now 16 years old.

Having said that, especially as a sole custody parent, I do not share any financial, emotional or physical load – and haven’t done so since my son was two.

It's something I've had to explain to one friend especially.

She and her husband agreed they wanted lots of kids. They chose to have four and for her to not work outside of the home, knowing that they wanted to send the kids to private schools and have overseas holidays and do a big house renovation. All cool – I had those things when I was married, too.

But what got me was that while her husband was working to provide for his family, she would bitterly complain that he was never around to help with the kids.

She’d text to say – “Single mum like you again this weekend! Want to get the kids together or a playdate?”

No, sorry, not "like me" at all. My weekend with my kid wasn't a novelty.

Her husband once admitted to me they’d fought because he came home from a 16-hour workday at midnight to have her ask him to hang out the load of washing she'd put on. Like the good man he was, though he could barely stand, he did it.

Trust me, there are very few single mums who have that kind of support.

So if you ever feel sorry for yourself and liken your life to that of a single mum, even for the briefest of times - maybe keep it to yourself. You have no idea how hard or isolating it can be for us to hear.

Originally published as If you're married and your husband is at work, you're not a single mum