Monique Tibbott shares her experience of gender disappointment

An expectant mother has lifted the lid on a feeling many new mums and dads experience but very few talk about, saying it’s time to be more open with the issue.

An expectant mother has lifted the lid on a feeling many new mums and dads experience but very few talk about, saying it’s time to be more open with the issue.

Monique Tibbott and her partner Brandon Doyle from the ACT are expecting their second child after the pair already welcomed little girl, Delilah.

But, during the couple’s recent private gender reveal they cut into the cake that showed it was blue inside, sparking a feeling of shock in the 21-year-old.

“In my heart, I just really wanted Delilah to have a little sister. I’ve only known pink. I’ve grown a baby girl,” Ms Tibbott told news.com.au.

“All I’ve known for a year now is pink and girl world so the idea of having a boy was so scary and foreign to me, I convinced myself that I was having another girl.”

When she saw that wasn’t case, she felt as though her heart was sinking. She couldn’t believe that she was wrong and had no idea what she was going to do.

“I can’t picture it. It doesn’t feel like it was supposed to be this way. It was just a whole big ball of emotions,” she said.

Monique Tibbott has opened up about experiencing gender disappointment. Picture: @monique_tibbott/TikTok

Ms Tibbott felt guilty as well, like she had ruined her husband’s day, as he was excited about the news they were having a boy because he wanted to carry on his family’s name.

It wasn’t just their baby’s gender, with Ms Tibbott revealing the whole pregnancy has been daunting with the reality of what having two children under the age of two would look like.

Her fantasy of having two little girls, who would almost be like twins, was shattered in that moment.

But, Mr Doyle swung into action and spent the entire next day trying to be supportive, finding baby name ideas and looking at boy’s clothes with Ms Tibbott.

“The two biggest things that have helped me come to terms with it was looking online for boys clothes, they’re so much cuter,” she said.

“I found so many cute, neutral clothes. It’s made me feel so much better knowing he’s going to have a cute wardrobe too.

“With the boys names, I have had freak outs for the last two days cause I haven’t been able to find ones I resonated with but my partner and I are pretty sure we’ve found a name now, and that has made it feel real. I’m coming to terms with it slowly.”

Ms Tibbott, who has 61,000 followers on TikTok, took to the video sharing app to reveal her experience, crying as she spoke about the fear she experienced after realising she was having a boy.

The cake was blue inside. Picture: @monique_tibbott/TikTok

She wanted to share her experience as she knew if she was feeling that way there would likely be others in the same position.

She did make it clear that the gender didn’t mean she loved her unborn child any less, it just meant the path ahead was now a little different.

“When I posted it, I was prepared for pitchforks. I was prepared for so many mums to come at me who have struggles with infertility, who can’t even have a healthy baby,” she said.

“I can understand anger that would cause to watch something like that.”

But, instead, people sent an outpouring of emotion and love saying they had experienced something similar.

“Gender disappointment is so real. I was exactly the same but opposite I was a mess. But as time went on I realised my reasons for wanting a boy and came to also know that I’m not my mother and my daughter and I will have a different relationship,” one person commented.

Another said: “I had major gender disappointment with my first child. Thought whole heatedly she was a boy — never pictured myself with girls.

“I was a tomboy growing up and when those pink balloons came out my heart sank. Now she is eight and is the most girly girl there ever was and I couldn’t imagine her being any different.”

“I think gender disappointment comes from internalised beliefs and preconceived notions about gender. And I think everyone that has it should unpack that. We can normalise it but also explore it,” one added. ️

Ms Tibbott was shocked by the response but incredibly happy at the empowering moment, where she saw women expressing similar feelings and supporting others who felt the same.

“It only takes one person to come forward,” she said.

“When someone says they have gender disappointment or shock, it’s not that I hate my baby or I don’t want this baby or I’m not grateful for this baby. It’s just that I’m shocked and I need to process my emotions.

Monique already has a daughter. Picture: @monique_tibbott/TikTok

“I love this baby no matter what the gender. I always did and will. It’s not that I don’t love them or I’m not grateful, it’s just that I’m feeling a lot of emotions and shock.”

She said we’re only human, and we should be allow to feel all emotions — even if that is shock.

Gender disappointment or shock has become a taboo topic that prospective parents don’t talk about, although so many people experience it.

Jana Firestone, a therapist with over 18 years experience working in the grief and trauma space, said it so often comes down to this idea of an imagined future we have for ourselves.

“We all have preconceived ideas about parent/child relationships and an ideal family life, that are informed by our own upbringing. When that doesn’t become a reality, it can be very difficult to come to terms with,” she told news.com.au.

“But it’s about more than just being disappointed in the sex of your baby, it’s about all of the familial, relational and cultural experiences that we imagine may not be fulfilled with a child of the opposite sex.”

She said the experience of gender disappointment or shock is an acknowledgment of the end of a fantasy life, and it can be an isolating experience.

“It can be difficult to talk about it for a number of reasons. Most significantly, it can feel incredibly insensitive to those who are having challenges with fertility or who may have experienced infant or child loss, and those are important considerations,” she said.

“It can also imply that being disappointed in your child’s gender means that you don’t love them or that you reject them in some way.”

Brandon and Monique. Picture: @monique_tibbott/TikTok

She said it’s important to remember any feeling you have is valid, and you should allow yourself to have the space to breathe.

It’s important to remove any internal judgement or guilt you’re feeling. But, Ms Firestone said, it’s important to note that you can be disappointed by your child’s sex and still feel grateful and love them unconditionally — they’re not mutually exclusive.

She said people shouldn’t be afraid to speak to the people around them or seek professional help, as well as look to online communities and helplines.

Monique captioned her video; “I think gender disappointment comes from internalised beliefs and preconceived notions about gender. And I think everyone that has it should unpack that. We can normalise it but also explore it.”

It’s something that Ms Firestone agrees with wholeheartedly, sharing her own experience with gender disappointment that she felt after the birth of each of her three sons.

“One of the things that I lamented about, when I learned that I was having my second and then my third boy, was that I would never get to experience any of the ‘girl mum’ things, with my children,” she said.

“I imagined ridiculously gendered ideas such as sitting and crafting with my imaginary daughter and going to get our nails done together.

“I have since abandoned those thoughts as I have crafted until I never wanted to craft again with my three boys, who love to draw and create and make things together. I have been to the nail salon with my eldest two who absolutely loved the experience.

“I have had to ask myself, what is it exactly that I am mourning for, in knowing that I will never have a daughter.”

Jana Firestone is a therapist. Picture: Supplied

She said for herself, she was trying to replicate the relationship she had with her own mother, who passed away when she was 21. But now she knows she has that same relationship with her sons that she had with her mother, regardless of her children’s gender.

However, Ms Firestone said she felt her gender disappointment most keenly with her third child because she realised at the moment she’d never parent a little girl. She experienced genuine grief and shared them with anyone who would listen.

“However, the minute he was born and I saw his little face, my heart just imploded with indescribable love and I honestly could not love him more. He is perfection,” she said.

“There are still moments where I get a little teary, thinking about the imaginary daughter that will never exist in my lifetime, and I give myself that moment to feel sad and acknowledge the longing.

“But I am also very conscious of feeling so lucky and so grateful for the three beautiful boys that I do have, who give me such a rich and (wild) and fulfilled life. I can exist in both places.”

She said people should try to remember that having private thoughts and feelings is no reflection on your value as a parent.

“You can be the best parent in the world, and still feel gender disappointment. Parent guilt comes with the territory and we will feel it regardless of the situation,” she said.

“Remember to be kind to yourself and focus on the connection with your child and all the things you are doing well.”

Originally published as Monique Tibbott shares her experience of gender disappointment