'I was convinced the only way to save my baby was to end his life'

“I’d walk to the train station and think about throwing us in front of the train, but I’d end up just giving him to a stranger saying, ‘take my baby’." This story contains confronting themes.

When Vanessa Brown’s long-awaited third son, Jeremy, was born in February 2018, she was elated, immediately cuddling him to her chest.

However, by the time nurses had weighed and measured him and given him back something had changed.

“I suddenly felt disconnected to him,” the Brisbane mum of three recalls to Kidspot.

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For months afterwards she struggled, unable to create a bond and would cry when left alone with him, never wanting to pick him up, feed or play with him.

By the time Jeremy was about six months old things escalated dramatically.

“I couldn’t sleep, I was struggling with my memory and concentration and having trouble separating my dreams from reality,” the 37-year-old explains.

“I’d go a couple of days without sleeping and then sleep for a whole day.

“I became convinced that the world was a bad place for Jeremy and that I had to ‘save him’ by ending his life.

“Sometimes I would think that was wrong and then think about killing myself for such thoughts, but then I would go back to thinking about ending his life again.”

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Vanessa with her son Jeremy during a newborn shoot. Picture: Stefanie Plum Photography

"Doctors told me I was too severe for the service they could provide"

She found herself flaring up quickly with anger and then becoming upset.

Constant, rapid thoughts and voices telling her what to do would bombard her.

“I’d avoid holding Jeremy, but didn’t want anyone else to hold him, so he’d cry a lot, which made me cry a lot,” Vanessa says.

The newborn photographer knew she needed help, but despite repeated efforts couldn’t find any.

“I tried the doctor and the local hospital who told me I was too severe for what they could provide,” she revealed.

Vanessa’s GP put her on antidepressants and referred her to a psychologist, but the wait time was too long.

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Vanessa's struggles with postpartum depression began mere hours after the birth of her third son. Picture: Supplied

"I knew I really wasn't well, and everything seemed bleak"

Nights were spent walking the streets until either Jeremy fell asleep or she could no longer go on or the police found her after her husband reported her missing.

“I’d walk to the train station and think about throwing us in front of the train, but I’d end up just giving him to a stranger saying, ‘take my baby’,” she reveals.

“I’d just wander around before security found me.”

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Eventually she was told about the Lavender Unit on the Gold Coast, at the time it was the only acute hospital for mothers in Queensland, with only four beds.

Fearing she wouldn’t get into it, she climbed on the roof of the Logan Hospital prepared to jump.

“I knew I really wasn’t well and everything seemed bleak,” Vanessa says.

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Vanessa was at a low point, having frequent thoughts about harming herself and her son. Picture: Supplied

"I couldn't pretend things were okay anymore"

Fortunately a bed became available within a few days and she spent six weeks getting intensive treatment for postnatal psychosis.

“It was very challenging. I couldn’t avoid things and had to talk about a lot of hard stuff. I couldn’t pretend things were okay anymore,” Vanessa explains.

“I had no experience with mental illness. It was a big shock that’s why I was so confused when it was happening to me, because I just didn’t know what was happening.”

After just a few weeks on antipsychotic medication things began to change.

“I just saw him differently and it was like I was looking at him for the first time and had an instant bond to him,” she says.

“It was lovely. I felt like things could be normal again.”

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Vanessa's health improved with medical intervention, but she still carries guilt over some of the toughest months of her life. Picture: Supplied

"There has been a lot of guilt over the lost time"

Vanessa had six further relapses with the voices telling her to hurt herself and her family and ending up back in a mental health ward.

“Sometimes the voices would tell me to burn the house down with my family sleeping and they’d go over and over,” she reveals.

Now she knows how to manage herself and her medication and to seek help early with a medical team.

However, six years on the scars remain. Vanessa will probably spend the rest of her life on medication, and she had to make the decision not to risk having a fourth baby.

“There has been a lot of guilt over the lost time and bond with him and loss of experience of having a newborn,” she says.

“I wish the people around me knew more about postnatal psychosis and were able to help me sooner, rather than just leave me. I wish there had been better services. The Lavender Unit was just a year old at the time.”

Originally published as 'I was convinced the only way to save my baby was to end his life'