'I miss him already': Returning to work after a baby is a grieving process

"Leaving the house this morning broke my heart. It isn’t a tragedy, but it’s a little bit tragic, at the same time."

It’s 8.30 am on a Monday, and I’m heading into the office. From the outside looking in, I’m sure I blend into the commuter crowd: just one of the millions of people around the country readying themselves for another working week.  

But this isn’t just another week for me. It’s my first day back at work without my five-month-old son, so no matter how it looks on the outside, I feel like I’m on a different planet.  

For the past five months, my world has been very small. It is so small that I can tell you exactly how much it weighs: 8.3 kilos, at last count, and growing every day. Of course, I’ve gone through the motions of “real” life, but my life has been… well, it’s been him. 

Every choice I’ve made, from what to wear in the morning (comfortable, boob-accessible at all times) to what I eat for lunch (able to be consumed with one hand if necessary) to where I spend my time and when (walking the streets if he’s particularly restless at witching hour) has been made with my baby in mind. 

And today I packed my laptop in my handbag, strapped on the shoes I haven’t touched since November, and left him behind.

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"I can do it again" 

The funny thing is, this isn’t even my first rodeo. I’ve been down this road before, with my now two-year-old, when he was seven months old. I know how disarmingly quickly everyone settles into the new routine. I know what it feels like to look back and feel like maternity leave was a million years ago when, in fact, it was only a couple of weeks. 

I know, from experience, that everything will turn out okay. My baby won’t stop being my baby just because I’m not by his side 24 hours a day. 

I’ve done it before. I can do it again. 

And yet. 

Despite everything, leaving the house this morning broke my heart. 

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There isn’t one particular reason I’ve decided to return to work today. Like most choices, it’s informed by all sorts of factors. I like my job. We need the money. My husband is using the opportunity to take the parental leave offered by his workplace, and I know just how important it is to let dads form bonds with their children.

I’m excited to wear something that isn’t leggings. I can’t wait to drink a hot coffee in my quiet office like an adult. 

Returning to work, like the birth of a baby, is another new beginning: a chance to get a piece of myself back, an opportunity for my baby to learn that other people in the big wide world can care for him. 

It’s a beginning, but it’s also an ending. 

It’s not just that I’ll miss my baby today and every day that I spend apart from him. I will, but that isn’t the hardest part. It’s the end of an era: the end of the golden, magic summer months we spent together, just the two of us. 

It’s the end of a shared language that nobody else can interpret. The end of lazy mornings and long coffee dates with the pram. The end of passing out in the rocking chair together at noon after a long night. The end of wasting hours just staring at him, with nothing better to do and nowhere better to be. 

It’s not the end of everything - but it is the end of that. 

Image: Zoe Rochford

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"I will never not be his mum"

It isn’t a tragedy, but it’s a little bit tragic at the same time. 

I know that the best is still yet to come. That I have his whole incredible life ahead of me, that I get to bear witness to him as he grows, that no matter how much time we spend apart, I will never not be his mum. I know that will always be my favourite job in the world. No matter where I work. 

I know that this was the right decision for so many reasons, but I still feel like I’m grieving. I knew our time would end eventually, but the ending itself hurt all the same. 

And so today, I’m thinking about how two things can be true at once. I can be ready for this next step but sad about it. I can be over the moon to have some of my own space back and miss having him on my hip. I can be thankful for the new world I’m about to enter while still mourning the loss of the special one we built these past five months, just the two of us. 

And so today, I’ll have half my mind on my work and the other half wherever he is, and I’ll know, from experience, that it will always be this way from now on. 

And I’ll tell the whole office, anyone who’ll listen, about my angel boy, the love of my life, with the remarkable hair, the big blue eyes, and the smile so big and beaming I can practically see it from here. 

I’ll see him tonight, but my God, I miss him already. 

Originally published as 'I miss him already': Returning to work after a baby is a grieving process