'I made a sex list but not for the reason you think'

“If you don’t put yourself first, you’re teaching your kids that you don’t matter.”

When her husband left, Kris was left with four young kids, each diagnosed with autism and a house full of chaos. So she wrote a list.

 

A sex list.

Not the kind you’d expect from a mum who’s been shut out, burnt out and worn down. But maybe that’s the point.

"I wrote the list sort of not really thinking I would do it. And then I thought, 'well, what have I got to lose?'” she told Kidspot. 

Kris was one of the first mothers in her area to have multiple children diagnosed with autism. Image: Supplied

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"I’m actually a great mum"

"This was not when the kids were around… it was a separate world entirely. But when I wasn't with them, I did things for me. And that's what I wanted to do." 

Because the truth is, this wasn’t a list about sex.

It was about survival.

"I realised I’m actually a great mum when I’m taking care of my own needs,” she said.

Judgment and stigma often cling to mothers the hardest. Especially those raising neurodivergent children. And Kris has felt it all. 

“There were often events and family stuff even that we were sort of told, ‘Oh, it'd be better if you just stay home,’” Kris said. 

She was one of the first mothers in her area to have multiple children diagnosed with autism.

“People didn’t want to see us struggle… so they just pretended we weren’t there,” she shared.

She juggled violent meltdowns, sleep deprivation, and the emotional toll of knowing her children weren’t being included. 

And yet, through it all, she showed up for every moment of heartbreak and breakthrough.

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"He cheated. I believe he unconsciously let me find out"

All while dealing with the years of fallout from her ex-husband’s affair and her divorce.

“He knew the only reason that I would end the relationship was if he cheated. I believe he unconsciously let me find out, because then I would make him leave… and he wouldn’t have to take care of the children,” Kris revealed. 

"I had never never never considered life outside of him."

But she had to. She realised she had to show up for herself, for one important reason: her kids. And she knew they needed her to be their rock.

"How I was going to be the rock was to write this list. Anyway, the list ended up being a sexual list,” she explained.

The idea came from a close friend who suggested she write something to look forward to on the weekends her kids went to their dad’s.

"She said, ‘We’re writing a list. You need a list of things that you're going to be able to do to cope with this… to actually get past all the things that happened,’” Kris recalled.

What started as a coping strategy became a declaration of freedom. A crash-through of the stereotypes mothers of autistic children are oppressed by.

"I've always had a special interest in sex,” she revealed. 

“I wrote things like, I want to do a threesome… all the stuff you read in the smut novels.” 

At first, it was a joke. But it became more.

“I thought… why not? No one was ever going to know. Why don't I actually start doing the list?"

As she ticked off the items, something unexpected happened. She was reclaiming herself.

The experience gave her confidence. Both as a woman and as a mother.

“Whatever I was doing was working. People stopped questioning my parenting. They could see my kids were thriving,” she revealed 

By choosing herself, Kris has taught her kids to do the same. Image: Supplied

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“You can be a woman and be sexual"

By choosing herself, Kris paved the way for her kids to do the same. 

They now say things like “I’ve got the tism” with pride. They call themselves “neuro-spicy.”

She often finds that they are her voice of reason. 

“I decided I was the mother, but I was also the student. I look to them for advice now,” she revealed. 

Kris says society tells women they can’t be sexual and maternal. It's a pressure she feels only intensifies when parenting a child with disability.

“You can be a woman and be sexual, and it doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It can be awesome,” she said. 

The more she filled her own cup, the more grounded she felt in her parenting. Shame no longer had authority over her.

“If you don’t put yourself first, you’re teaching your kids that you don’t matter,” she warned. 

Kris now encourages the mums around her in real life, online and in her book to reclaim space for themselves. Not everyone needs a list. But everyone needs something.

"It’s okay to love yourself. Like it’s okay that you feel you need this so that you can cope with the next thing that’s going to happen to you,” she said.

Originally published as 'I made a sex list but not for the reason you think'