I have three amazing sisters, but I sometimes wish I didn't

"I already know it's not going to end well..."

Most people who have a sister know she's the best friend who's tied to you for life.

So how lucky am I to have lived most of mine with three of them?

I used to think, very lucky.

I'm not so sure anymore.

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Almost four years ago, my younger sister died suddenly at age 42. 

(So selfish of her, and quite unnecessary, I think.)

Her name was Raji, and she was my best friend of more than four decades.

A friend whose sister had also died told me at the time, "Losing a sibling is very different to losing a parent."

Both of us had already had our dads pass away, and here we were again, together in the "dad and sister grief club."

I learnt quickly what she meant - Raji's death hit differently to dad's. He was older, he was 'meant' to go before me, was how I comforted myself.

But with Raj, even on the days when I was superficially 'moving on', I found there's no such thing with someone who's been through everything with you.

The saddest thing I've ever had to write. Image: Nama Winston

"She's there in everything"

Raji is there in every significant memory; school, weddings, holidays, kids.

And then she's also part of the small things that I once only subconsciously connected to her, like songs, movies, food.

We knew each other's goss and man, do I have so much to tell her now.

Only being 18 months apart in age, we experienced so many phases and stages together; that was the strength of our relationship... and now, the challenge in living without her.

Four years later, the aching longing for her to be back where so belongs in my life has only deepened.

The Awesome Foursome. Image: Nama Winston

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"But you have two other sisters"

And that's what terrifies me about the future.

Yes, I have two other sisters (as some have liked to point out to me) whom I equally adore.

But although we are now closer than ever, there's no doubt that our lives are now tainted with a major fear: we will watch each other go, one by one.

One day, there will be two of us, and then just one.

It's a thought that terrifies me and breaks my heart.

That's not being dramatic - that's life.

When you've spent four decades assuming you will be an intact Girl Gang forever, and then are hit with reality, it makes you think of things that never crossed your mind.

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"So many don't get this"

Yes, losing Raji has made me appreciate everyone I love more. Of course.

But sometimes, the thought of losing anyone else who's made me the person I am, whose life I depend on in mine, makes me wonder if I would have been better off without them... would it have been better to not have known this sort of love at all?

Considering the inevitable devastation coming, would it have been better not to have sisters at all?

The answer, of course, is no. 

So many people don't get this experience from their families. How lucky am I to have had Raji in my life for as long as I did?

I remind myself of that every day; especially when I think of the time I have left with my sisters who are still here.

Originally published as I have three amazing sisters, but I sometimes wish I didn't