Hey, Chappell Roan - not all women 'who have kids are in hell'

COMMENT: "And I say this as a sole parent in a sole income home for 15 years (and counting)." 

Singer Chappell Roan is being called out for saying some truths, albeit without nuance, about motherhood.

Roan, 27, an award-winning artist, is kid-free, and just described her friends with kids as being "in hell."

As a Gen X mum to a 17.5-year-old, who has thoroughly loved motherhood at all ages - I thought that call was a bit extreme - and unfair on everyone.

Note: I say this as a sole parent in a sole income home for 15 years - so don't come at me for having things 'easier' than other mums.

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"All my friends who have kids are in hell"

Speaking to the Call Her Daddy podcast, Roan said about her life plans:

“But kids? All my friends who have kids are in hell.

“I don’t know anyone – I actually don’t know anyone who’s like, happy and has children at this age.

“I literally have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has like light in their eyes, anyone who has slept.”

She was talking about her friends with kids under five... and I realised that she's heavily influenced by her own experiences; but nevertheless, I found this take intense  thing to say aloud - and a betrayal in a few ways.

Firstly, you cannot go on one of the world's most popular pods and spill the tea on your mates. Sure, we don't know who you're exactly talking about, but they know that things they confided in you about how their rugrats won't sleep/eat/poop have now been summed up publicly as their "hell."

Just imagine how that betrayal feels.

As a reaction on X read: "Chappell Roan going on call her daddy saying none of her friends with kids are happy is a prime example of why you cannot just vent to anyone.

“Because I guarantee she has this perspective because a few of her mum friends are going through it…. may a friendship like that never ever ever ever find me.

"May the friendships of narcissistic childless women with no sense of loyalty ever find me.”

Image: Nama Winston

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"Light in their eyes"

But Roan's blabbing is also a betrayal of motherhood because it's a massive generalisation; she offered no nuance. That's a big thing to do when the world is listening to you.

Yes, parenting is bloody hard work, but the experience of the singer's friends is not representative of every mum's early years journey.

I, for one, absolutely loved the early years - my child was an absolute joy. People would stop me in the street, in restaurants, once even in a swimming pool, and tell me they loved watching someone enjoy their child so much.

Nama Winston/Chappell Roan

And then he became a class clown-trouble-making-menace at school.

But seriously, I didn't lose "the light in my eyes", as Roan said, until a decade later, when he was bullied at school for being queer. That's the hard stuff, right there. For me, anyway.

Having said that, of course I know how hard the early years are. It's so much work. A lot of mums find it tedious, repetitive and joyless. Parenting is certainly not for everyone, and nor should it have to be.

But it is for me.

Roan's words made me bristle because I can hand-on-my-heart say that being a mum is my biggest achievement, my entire identity, and the best thing I've ever done. I've raised the best person I've ever known.

And I'm not alone. You might just not hear about it from other mums as the confession seems to be taboo.

So, Roan, you're not bloody speaking for all mums. But that's the trouble with being a superstar speaking on a massive platform: you can be misunderstood, especially by those who heed your advice.

Which is why my friend, Lauren, who's a Millennial, had a perspective on Roan I had to share.

Lauren and her son. Image: supplied

A Millennial take on Chappell Roan

Lauren says:

Honestly, she's not wrong. Chappell Roan's completely valid in her opinion and so are the friends who are sharing their experiences with her. I don't think she's hating an all mums, but just forming her own opinion on the experiences she's witnessed. 

I think she's speaking from what she's been told by her friends who are within her age range and parenting from the absolute trenches. Maybe she doesn't know about the positives because her friends haven't told her about that part.

My generation tends to put blinders on the positive and focus on the negatives. 

Parenting is tricky, and she's likely been given the lowlights considering that's what our brain defaults to when we're sleep deprived, overstimulated and likely recovering from our 5th flu that month. It's hard to find the positives sometimes and it often feels good to just vent about the negative. 

As a parent of an almost 2-year-old in my 20s, I get it completely. When I talk to my single, childless friends I often share the war stories, not the highlights - because they know I love my child regardless.

There are days where I hate parenting and I miss the old me. She loved life as a single, childless woman who viewed her cats as babies and had all the time in the world to waste hours playing the sims. But missing her doesn't take away from the amount of absolute love and adoration I have for my child now. 

I for one am selective about who I confide in and perhaps Chappell's friends could do the same.

I complain about parenting lows to other parents, because they get it and can relate. When I complain to my childless friends it impacts their views about children in general. Those friends don't know how to comfort me effectively. 

Originally published as Hey, Chappell Roan - not all women 'who have kids are in hell'