'Do you only have the one?' The question strangers ask when I've lost three

"It's followed closely by 'You must have so much time!', which hurts, too." 

The irony of losing three pregnancies while working as a baby sleep consultant is not lost on me. It feels like a cruel blow from the universe, leaving me to wonder “why me?”

I do have a beautiful son, now. And yet, a different question saddens me when it's asked: "Do you only have the one?"

The implication or comments from strangers in the playground assuming my life is “easier” because I “only” have one child compound my grief.

I pick up my solo child at school while other families pile their three or more kids into their people movers. This feels like a reminder that I am perceived as less of a mother because I have fewer living children.

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"Yes, I have one"

I respond with little emotion, simply saying, “Yes, I have one,” deliberately avoiding the word “just” to convey that my son is not less than theirs because he doesn't have siblings, or I am less of a mother because I have one child.

What I want to do is explain why I have one child, detailing the pain of losing three babies. Each loss, agonizing and unique, shrouded in secrecy due to societal taboos that deem such experiences as failures.

I’ve heard all the naive and hurtful comments about having one child “You must have so much free time!” The reality of having one child is that I am the playmate. We need to play with our child instead of encouraging our son to play with his siblings. 

Image: Supplied

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"Every pick up is a dagger to my heart"

My mother entrenched in me this belief that being an ONLY child was the worst thing in the world.

After all she was an “”only child” and she told me all my life that she HATED it.

When this became my reality and history repeated itself,  I was horrified. This was not acceptable and we needed to ensure this did NOT eventuate. Despite all our efforts, this became our reality. 

It feels like a dagger to my heart at every pick up,  playdate, tussle in the playground as siblings  stand up for one another, basically every social occasion that plays out.

Holidays are one of the worst times. At caravan parks with our dog (who he calls his “sister”),  there are either no kids to play with or he has to approach a group of kids, alone. No back up, no siblings by his side.  

"He has us and only us"

Holidays at home are just as difficult. My husband and I run businesses, while we juggle our son’s energy and singledom. We have to book him in for the holiday program for some days to socialize. Being parents of one child is more expensive because of this. 

Summer holidays are long, I dread them. Seven weeks of entertaining him while balancing businesses and parenting with the constant reminder that our parents aren't here to spend Christmas with our boy. 

We also lost both sets of parents (around the time we lost the pregnancies). He has us and only us. So we get little time together as a couple, this luxury doesn't exist. 

Despite all of these difficult constant reminders of what we don't have, I always remind myself of what we do have. Having one child means we have the ability to give him academic opportunities and in other aspects like overseas travel.

It also means very close relationships with each of us. 

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"He is more than enough"

Our son is robust and healthy, very intelligent and has the maturity of someone wise beyond his years. He has already seen more of the world than some do in a lifetime. He is independent and resilient and loved immensely. He is well behaved and makes friends so easily in new environments. 

Like any situation in life, we may not choose the cards we are dealt but it is how you deal with these challenges that is important.

We were raising him consciously and socializing him beautifully  before we knew he would be the only living child.  That didn't change, in fact our approach to parenting has created exactly what we would have hoped for regardless if he has siblings or not.

He is all we would have hoped for and he is more than enough. 

For more information on Georgina Windebank, see: The Holistic Sleep Project 

Originally published as 'Do you only have the one?' The question strangers ask when I've lost three