'Dirty, dirty girl': The hurtful things my mum said when I lost my virginity

"I discovered years later that she was a total hypocrite."

When my mother found out I'd had sex for the first time, she called me a "dirty, dirty girl". 

I was 16 and had been dating my boyfriend for three years, so I felt ready to become sexually active. 

After a couple of months of hiding it from my mum, I had to tell her. I’d developed thrush, a yeast infection, and needed to see a doctor. I was scared that the doctor would tell my mum that I’d had sex, so I thought it was best I tell her myself.

Her reaction floored me. She looked so disgusted as she spat the words out. 

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"Suddenly, I was tarnished"

I remember my cheeks flushing and feeling such tremendous shame, like I’d disappointed her for life and would never come back from the transgression of losing my virginity so young (at least, I thought I was young).

I’d always been a “good girl”. A high achiever who never did anything wrong. But suddenly, I was tarnished.

Though my mum’s words were probably not intended to cause harm, they certainly made a lasting impact. 

For years, it affected my perception of sex and I felt guilty about it. I never had many boyfriends or sexual partners, lest I be branded promiscuous and a "bad girl". There was so much shame around sexuality.

It's been almost 20 years since that incident, but it's certainly stuck with me.

Interestingly, one of my close friends recently opened up to me about how she’d had a similar experience with her own mother. When she was younger, she’d been told that girls who didn’t abstain until marriage were "damaged goods" and not worth marrying. 

Funnily enough, this woman came from a similar upbringing to my mum (they both grew up in Anglican families in southern Africa). Like me, my friend still felt hurt by her mother's comments.

Image: iStock

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"She was a total hypocrite"

After my mum's comment, it took some time for the relationship to improve. I avoided talking to her about sex after that. 

It might sound odd, but my mother’s fleeting comment eventually became an ongoing joke between us. I didn’t really know how to process what had happened, so I made light of it.

Occasionally, I’d turn to her when something silly happened in my 20s and call my mum a “dirty, dirty girl” jokingly. Her reaction was often one of confusion. It was like she didn’t know whether to laugh or broach the subject and explain why she might have chosen to use those words.

As I grew older, my mum loosened up about sex, and even told me about losing her virginity at age 17. Part of me felt like she was a total hypocrite to have treated her 16-year-old daughter like that, having lost her own virginity a year later.

Now that I’m a mother of three, the memory of that comment has reinforced my desire to take a different approach to sex and sexual education with my kids. 

I want them to know that sex is a completely normal, healthy part of life, not something to feel "dirty" about or shame towards.

Above all else, I want my kids to be able to talk to me about sex and feel comfortable about coming to me for information. 

I want them to know I’ll always be here for them, no matter what.

Originally published as 'Dirty, dirty girl': The hurtful things my mum said when I lost my virginity