During the pandemic, many of us vowed that should we ever be fortunate enough to travel again we’d do so with a newfound sense of grace, gratitude and understanding. The pandemic is teaching us lessons, we cried. We are now evolved and self-actualised and we will treat Mother Gaia and its worldly inhabitants with renewed respect.

That didn’t last long, did it.

In fact, post-pandemic travel feels more frantic, agitated, crowded and confusing than ever before.

We all know the basics of good travel behaviour: don’t fall asleep on your neighbour’s shoulder on the plane, don’t assume talking louder in English will make you understood in a café in Shanghai.

But that Zen travel attitude promise we all made to ourselves? It needs an update. We don’t need to be ‘travel perfect’, but all of us could do with being a bit ‘travel better’.

These are the 12 new rules travellers should follow now:

1. Your oversized baggage is your fault and your problem

Three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and airlines having rigid baggage allowances from which they will not budge. If you arrive at the airport with more bags than the airline permits, or with the idea that you can relocate your grand piano interstate via Jetstar, that’s entirely on you. You’re holding up queues, annoying airline staff and being an all-round difficult human being. Accept whatever options are offered, whether it’s penalty fees, repacking or bidding farewell to your piano. Cry me a carry-on.

2. The plane cabin is not your loungeroom

Grotty bare feet snaking into other people’s leg space. Trays of dirty food scraps plonked onto the middle seat. Taking two drinks rather than one when the trolley comes by. Standing in the aisle rustling through your belongings in the overhead locker, arms flailing like you’re doing the YMCA, while everyone else waits in a queue behind you. Getting drunk and belligerent. None of this is acceptable. Imagine the people you are sharing the plane with are on the same intimacy level as work colleagues – not close enough to relax with entirely but close enough to respect. Oh, and it’s worth remembering that the cabin staff are HR and they will happily get you fired if you cross boundaries. And people will cheer. And put it on YouTube. You have been warned.

3. That said, if the airline allows you to recline, you may recline

If the Lord did not want us to recline our seats then He would not have created the little silver button. If the button is there, you may use it. Apply some discretion during mealtimes and if you are a good person, you might be kind enough to take some note of the leg length of the person behind you, however there is no obligation. Bow down to the button. The button is king.

4. There are dozens of ways you can make airport queues move faster. Do all of them

“It was absolute chaos at the airport this morning!” Yes. You were probably part of the problem. Here are ways you can make airports better for everyone. Have your passport and other documents on hand and easy to reach, not locked down in a secret security compartment with multiple padlocks. Empty your pockets before you get to the security line. And then refill them away from the conveyor belt, not standing there blocking everything and creating a conga line of humans behind you.

An airport transit should be like a ballet, a seamless Swan Lake of outstretched hands, elegant lifts, gentle placement of organised items into trays. You are Mikhail Baryshnikov and Kingsford Smith Terminal 3 is your Bolshoi. Picture the lights, the adrenaline, the applause. Take a bow, you made it to Krispy Kreme in under 14 minutes. Doesn’t that feel good?

5. Google Translate is a starting point not a solution

Google Translate, which allows you to translate spoken word into another language immediately, is a godsend. But unless you want to look like a dork trying to woo their Colombian or Filipino bride-to-be on 90 Day Fiancé, don’t rely on it completely. It should be a learning tool not a crutch. Listen to the translations and start using them yourself without the electronic assistance. And if all else fails? Mime. “At the very least learn a good game of comedic charades,” says Escape content director Jana Frawley. “A good sense of humour will get you much further than repeating yourself slowly and loudly.”

6. Don’t assume restaurants, hotels and other hospitality venues are begging for your patronage

When countries began opening up post-Covid, hospitality venues were naturally thrilled to be welcoming back customers. Since then, travel has gone bananas, and along with the triple-threat curses of staff shortages and supply chain disruptions, many hospitality venues are struggling to keep up with demand. Just because you’re excited to be out of the country, doesn’t mean that your presence is an enormous cause for celebration for everyone else. So act humble, be gracious and remember that you are moving around the world – the world does not revolve around you.

7. Further to that … stop yelling

Travel involves mishaps and mayhem. It always has, even before Covid. Yelling about it helps no one. Plane delays aren’t anyone’s fault and “abusing the ground staff for it just makes you look like a tool,” says Escape Associate Digital Editor Simone Mitchell. “Acting calm will make you feel calm,” adds Frawley, “And staff will be more inclined to help you if you’re not in a state.”

8. Planewear has gone casual. But not that casual.

The evolution of flight wardrobes from heels and furs to cosy, stretchy pants and cashmere wraps is a magnificent thing. But – screech! – not so fast. We don’t need to descend into barely-dressed couch bogan. “Thongs, singlets, midriffs should be banned,” insists Escape digital editor Rowena Ryan. This goes double if you’re stopping off somewhere such the Middle East or another country where modesty is the norm. No, no one is going to arrest you if you slob off into Dubai airport with your bellybutton hanging out but it’s very rude.

9. Americans are known as bad tourists outside of their country. You’re probably a bad tourist in their country.

Everyone loves rolling their eyes at rude Americans overseas. Newsflash. Americans are exceedingly polite in their own country and many tourists are equally rude when they visit. Americans smile. They ask how you’re doing. They call you ‘sugar’ (at least in certain parts of the country). They tip generously. They are never too busy to help you when you’re lost. Start behaving better in their country and maybe they’ll return the favour when they come to yours.

10. Japanese onsen rules are not a ‘suggestion’

Hot spring rules in Japan are taken very seriously and they’re not going to let you off just because you’re a westerner. You do have to cover your tatts. You can’t take a towel near the water. You must be naked. Break any of these rules and you will make Japanese people – especially older ones – very unhappy and they will storm out of the water shooting you angry looks. Incidentally, Australia now has several of its own hot springs, such as Alba on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria and Metung Hot Springs in Gippsland. Here is a rule that I am creating specially for them. If you are in a couple, do not canoodle in the spring. That is gross and it’s why you have a bath in your hotel room.

11. The person making your restaurant booking is liable for the whole table

These days, when you make a restaurant booking, you almost always need to put down a monetary deposit, which will either be lost if you cancel within a certain time frame, or may even trigger the full meal price being sucked from the credit card if you do a no-show. If you’re not the person making the booking and you cancel, then you are leaving someone else with that full liability. Are you man or are you monster? If you wreck the reservation, you compensate the reserve-er and you do so without being asked.

12. No one needs a lift to or from the airport any more

You’re going on holiday, not sailing across the seas to make a brave life as a pilgrim in a treacherous new world. Your family does not need to join you at the terminal and weep copiously into their handkerchiefs, and more importantly they do not need to get slugged with the $17 per 20-minute airport parking fees. If you can get yourself to and from work, you can get yourself to an airport. The exception is elderly people who still treat air travel like it’s a romantic adventure of yesteryear, and you should indulge them. Or if you are moving overseas indefinitely, I suppose people are permitted to accompany you to say their goodbyes. But I’ll be watching very, very closely to make sure you’re not trying to bring your grand piano.