What to do when kids never leave home or keep returning to the nest

As housing affordability continues to be beyond reach for some, more adult children are bouncing back to the family nest — that’s if they ever left it in the first place.

They’re called the boomerang generation — the grown kids who move back in with Mum and Dad.

Forget empty nesters, more and more adult children are nesting back with their parents, or even failing to fly the coop in the first place. And it’s a living arrangement that has its challenges.

Take the two-man Tardio household in Melbourne’s inner north, where every day is Father’s Day with Damian, 29, still living at home with his dad, 3AW newsreader Tony Tardio.

According to Dad, Damian never, ever takes out the bins. In the six years the pair has lived together, the weekly chore has always fallen to Tony, who reckons it’s rubbish behaviour from a young adult.

Damian, who also works at the station as a producer, doesn’t even know when bin night is.

“Wouldn’t have a clue,” he shrugs. “I’ll admit there are times when I come home and I see the bin on the footpath and walk right past it.”

Witnessing the father-and-son duo at home is like watching a real-life version of TV’s The Odd Couple.

Radio newsreader Tony Tardio and his 29-year-old son Damian live together. Picture: Nicole Cleary

Damian says his dad nicks all his socks. Tony says his son doesn’t own any, let alone wear them. Damian says his “slightly deaf” and nocturnal dad watches boring documentaries on TV late into the night. Tony says his early-rising son leaves all the lights on in the morning. Damian says he’s the only one who irons clothes in the household.

Food is also an issue.

“I’ll make a bowl of pasta, take two hours to simmer the sauce, then go to the fridge to retrieve the pièce de résistance — the parmesan cheese, which I bought especially — and there’s no bloody cheese in there,” Tony says.

“Damian’s eaten the whole lot in one day.”

The joys of intergenerational living. “Damian never really left home,” Tony explains. “My son is what Italians call the mammone — the child who never grows up and lives with his parents forever.

“I separated from my wife in 2013 and Damian was part of the settlement.”

It’s part of the culture of KIPPERS — kids in parents’ pockets eroding retirement savings. So, what causes grown children to boomerang back home or never leave in the first place?

Financial pressure, lifestyle aspirations, relationship breakdown and higher education expectations all play a role.

Geoff Brailey, social researcher at McCrindle Research, says the biggest financial stress 18 to 29-year-olds face is saving for a home.

You missed a spot. Domestic bliss is often lacking for Tony and Damian. Picture: Nicole Cleary

“Housing prices have increased at a disproportionate rate to wage growth,” he says.

“Housing affordability is a key area impacting on home ownership rates among young people.”

A new Australian Housing and Urban Research Institute report has found many young adults are putting their long-term housing aspirations on hold to focus on other important goals, like completing study or finding a secure job.

The report used the latest Australian Bureau of Statistics data to determine the proportion of Aussies aged 18-24 who were living with their folks grew from 58 per cent in 2003-04 to 66 per cent in 2015-16. Just 17 per cent in this age group rented on their own or as a couple, with the remaining 17 per cent living in shared housing.

For those aged 25-34, a third had either remained or moved back in with their parents, or lived in share houses.

Combine lower wages with housing affordability and marriage decline and no wonder homeownership rates are dropping among young people. Data from a Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia survey shows homeownership rates among those aged 25-34 have fallen from 38.7 per cent in 2002 to 29.2 per cent for 2014.

Half of Aussies under 30 still live with their parents, with young men more likely to live with Mum and Dad (56 per cent), with young women not far behind (54 per cent).

“Obviously I don’t have to pay any rent and bills,” Damian says. “Now some people would be disgusted or shocked by that, but that’s the arrangement my dad and I have.”

Of course, parents themselves could be blamed for inadvertently encouraging KIPPERS by providing such a high quality of life.

Baby Boomers — those aged 55-77 — worked hard to get where they are, saving for decades, paying off mortgages and acquiring assets.

In doing so, however, they’ve lifted the standard-of-living benchmark. Their Gen Y offspring — aged between 24-39 — have such a good thing going on at home with Mum and/or Dad, why would they want to move out?

“Gen Y’s lifestyle aspirations are quite high,” Brailey says. “They put a lot of pressure on themselves to have a nice four-bedroom house and a career from their early 20s, whereas their parents may have started in a small unit and upgraded over the decades.”

Take Simon*. While studying building, he was living in a feral share house on Melbourne’s city fringe.

“There was never any food in the fridge and no one remembered to pay the power bill,” Simon says.

“My flatmates didn’t even own a vacuum. The bathroom looked like a science experiment. And all this was costing me dead rent money every week.”

During second year uni, Simon moved back to the leafy parental home. His mum says the move was solely designed so Simon could clear a credit card debt and save money. And it wouldn’t be forever, right?

Watching Simon recline on his dad’s favourite leather chair, sipping 18-year-old, $150 whiskey while waiting for his mum’s casserole to cook, it doesn’t look like he’ll be falling out of the well-feathered nest any time soon.

Social researcher Geoff Brailey says the biggest financial stress 18 to 29-year-olds face is saving for a home.

“Why would I move out? My meals are cooked, my washing’s done, the house is clean, the fridge is full and the booze cabinet’s stocked,” Simon says.

Sometimes changing personal circumstances necessitate a move back home. If a marriage or de facto arrangement breaks down, or grown children become separated from a partner, they may rebound home to build financial and emotional strength before launching out into the big wide world again. Adult children are also staying home longer to further their education.

“One in four Gen Xers — those aged 39-53 — has a degree,” Brailey says.

“It’s one in three for Gen Y. The forecast is for one in two for Gen Z, those aged 10-24. Young people today need to do extra study to compete with peers and stand out. But to continue their studies they need to stay at home longer as it’s too expensive to move out.”

At this point it’s hard not to feel for the Baby Boomers. Shouldn’t they be diving into their silver surfer years, enjoying their retirement, rekindling romance, taking trips and trying new hobbies now they’re free from the shackles of raising kids and concentrating on careers?

“Baby Boomers are often the sandwich generation — caring for young kids and older parents. They’re feeling the pressure from both ends, feeling the pinch not just financially but emotionally,” Brailey says.

So what are some tips for making this increasingly common living arrangement work?

First, it’s important to set clear boundaries.

Radio newsreader Tony Tardio and his 29-year-old son Damian Tardio are very candid about the perils of multi-generational living. Picture: Nicole Cleary

“We don’t venture into each other’s rooms,” Damian says.

Boundaries may also include negotiating things like chores, curfews, personal space, meal times and financial contributions. Young adults also need to realise that eating into their parents’ retirement plans is an unexpected cost and not something they should take for granted.

Conversely, parents need to respect the different life challenges their adult children are facing, including possible anguish caused by declining home affordability in a low-wage environment.

Some young adults may also feel guilty, even depressed about moving back home.

Parents need to impose time frames and be transparent about how long they are willing to support their young adult.

“Disappointment and frustration comes from when expectations are not met,” Brailey says.

“But sometimes those expectations may not have been explicit. Parents will say to each other, ‘Oh, we’ll do this for three months’, but they don’t make that clear to the children and then they’re annoyed when their kids still haven’t moved out.”

It’s important, too, that parents allow young adults to maintain independence so they don’t regress into being a child, forever relying on Mum and Dad.

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Both parties should relate to each other adult to adult. The key is for kids to avoid putting roots down too far and becoming too comfortable because they’ll have even less motivation to move out on their own.

“Often (parents) have to find ways to coach their grown children in finding a new career, moving into the workforce, buying a home of their own and getting back on their feet after
a breakup,” Brailey says.

Of course, there is some joy to be found when big kids boomerang home. “Sunday night’s my favourite night,” Damian says.

“We have each other’s company, and friends and family come over. It’s great. If I lived with friends I wouldn’t have the benefit of that time.”

And Tony admits his son’s good company.

“Damian’s very funny,” he says. “He does these great impersonations. In his job all he does is listen to voices all day and he just soaks up all these sounds. I’ve got to admit — he does provide a bit of entertainment.”

* Not his real name