The eight pests who ruin your Facebook feed

Just when you thought she’d posted every wedding photo, there’s another 500-pic album. And how about another inspirational quote on purging negative people from your life. Here are the pests who ruin your Facebook feed.

Facebook-Merchant: There remains a suspicion that if they weren’t selling this garbage on Facebook, they’d be paying to take it to the tip.

When Mark Zuckerberg allegedly nicked an idea from the Winklevoss twins that was pretty much MySpace anyway, nobody could have told how big it would become.

Now, as the social network serves more ads than dog pictures, here are eight people you are likely to recognise from your friends list.

FOOTY HEROES LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE

THE TRAIN COMMUTERS YOU NEED TO AVOID

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE AUNTY

It’s 2am and while the city sleeps, this middle aged amateur philosopher is hitting share on anything with a sunset stock image and Monotype Corsiva.

Here’s something about purging negative people from your life.

Here’s something about cats being better than humans.

Here’s something else about purging negative people from your life.

With all this purging of negative people, it’s a wonder this person has any Facebook friends left.

Facebook-Inspirational: No room for negative people but plenty of room for breeding cats.

CAPTAIN DRUNK

It seems like this fellow takes any excuse to get drunk and any excuse to post to Facebook about it.

What’s that? St Patrick’s Day? Better get wasted.

Grand Prix Monday? Not traditionally anything special but hey, let’s get wasted.

Looks like the AFLW premiership’s coming up? Get ready for a boozer.

How does this guy afford all this alcohol?

When he inevitably demands a new liver, can’t the state reasonably refuse?

VEXATIOUS BRIDE

Just when you thought she’d posted enough wedding photos, here’s an extra 500-pic album for good measure.

But wait, today also happens to be the same day of the week the wedding happened. You know what that means. More pictures.

Something tells you there might not be the same level of fanfare around the divorce.

For the time being, even though you weren’t invited to the wedding, which was 10 months ago, you have no choice but to see it echo in time.

Facebook-Paranoid: Copy and past this into your status update or your eyes will fall out.

PARANOID PARENT

Every stroller recall, alarming food additive research paper, and news article about a missing interstate sex offender is posted with full caps ‘PLEASE SHARE TO PROTECT OUR KIDS’.

Every now and then they pop up on your feed with something like, ‘WARNING: Cut and paste this message into your status update before 11pm tonight or Facebook will legally be able to harvest your organs and sell your house.’

Then every now and then they just disappear from Facebook because they’ve read something about it being owned by the Illuminati.

POLITICAL BIFFO MAGNET

There is no chance this homespun political pundit was not expecting an argument when he dropped a comment about Trump, the wall, asylum seekers or integration of immigrants.

Either way an argument he’s got, and he seems to find himself having his life threatened on social media more than the average person.

He should give a rest or turn pro and move to Twitter.

DEE

Dees!

The footy season is coming up and the Dees are looking good this year.

This seldom quietly confident dee is getting ready to make sure you always know there’s a dees game on.

Without context there’ll be an ‘Amazing!!!’, ‘Finals here we come!!!’ or just a string of blue and red button emojis that leave you in no doubt: The Dees are up in the third quarter and this particular Dee is ecstatic.

Facebook-Dee Dees!

HUMBLE FURNITURE MERCHANT

Hey guys, so, we’re relocating again, anyone want to buy this practically brand new coffee table?

A few chips and scratches. Leg missing but other three are fine.

Pick up only, in a part of the city that’s really hard to get to.

You’d better be quick because we’re moving on the weekend and don’t want to make another trip to the tip, thanks.

LURKER

With a profile picture from 2009 and a page as bare as Kmart on Christmas, the last thing that seemed to happen to this Facebook user was someone wishing him a happy birthday for 2017.

But if they’re part of a group chat on Facebook messenger, his avatar always pops up to show he’s viewed messages.

What a lurker.

Now and then he might come to the surface on Facebook per se to like a post, but usually the only thing likely to boost his activity is a hacked account.

@MitchellToy