From laneways to public transport: How to spot a fake Melburnian
Despite our best efforts to keep out the likes of Sydneysiders and Taswegians, there are plenty of people living here who are straight-up fake Melburnians. Here are 40 ways to spot them.
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It should be the aim of Melbourne to be so good that everybody from interstate wants to live here, but not so good that they actually do.
Despite our efforts to keep out the likes of Sydneysiders, Taswegians, Queenslanders and people from different countries like Western Australia, there are plenty of people living in Melbourne who are straight-up faking it.
Here are 40 ways to spot a Melburnian who wasn’t raised here.
1. They say rock melon instead of cantaloupe, duvet instead of doona or scallop instead of potato cake.
2. They have a firm view on State of Origin.
3. They’ve never been on Puffing Billy.
4. They offer you instant coffee without apologising.
5. They’ve only just found out about Degraves St.
6. Their wardrobe contains more than one primary colour.
7. They expect two bedrooms with a $500,000 budget.
8. They order a middy.
9. They can’t prove to be three social connections away from someone murdered in the gangland war.
10. They stop at red lights while cycling.
11. They’re not that big into craft alcohol.
12. They will say about a farmers’ market, “I prefer to buy vegetables at the shop for consistency of quality.”
13. They’re suspiciously tanned.
14. They are in total awe of Crown Casino.
15. They’re surprised when the train doesn’t come.
16. They think cold drip and iced coffee are the same thing.
17. They touch off on the tram.
18. They disparage Victorian beaches.
19. They think a cafe’s choice of second hand furniture is indicative of the quality of their food.
20. They call ahead to try and book a table.
21. They think $25 is too much for a gin cocktail.
22. They think pilates was a Greek philosopher.
23. They assume there’ll be parking.
24. They send back their squid ink burger bun because it’s clearly burnt.
25. They are taken aback when offered a machine-made coffee in a hair or nail salon.
26. They are indifferent to Collingwood.
27. They had no idea Lord of the Fries was vegan.
28. They think cargo shorts are functional, acceptable and even desirable.
29. They believe a train to Tullamarine will be built soon because that’s what the government said.
30. They get on the tram and expect to be able to buy a ticket.
31. They go to a tram stop and expect to be able to buy a ticket.
32. They can explain the off side rule but not holding the ball.
33. They feel obliged to tip service staff.
34. They ask why the council hasn’t cleaned up Hosier Ln yet.
35. They think Victoria Bitter and Melbourne Bitter are the same thing.
36. They trust the weather app.
37. They assume Vic Market will be open.
38. They want to visit the real Ramsay St.
39. They want to pop down to Harbour Town for an afternoon out.
40. They can’t believe people park their motorcycles and scooters wherever the hell they like.
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