Conversations you need to have before moving in with your partner

Getting into the nitty gritty

Here’s how to ensure you and your partner are emotionally, financially and logistically ready to take the plunge. 

One of the great milestones of a committed, happy relationship is taking up residence together under the same roof. 

Ditching the long drives and Facetime calls before bed for in-person cuddles on the couch after a home-cooked dinner can feel like the ultimate goal for couples keen to settle down, but as one family lawyer points out, rushing into domestic bliss can sometimes cause more harm than good in a previously-solid relationship. 

Annelis Bos, Partner at Coote Family Lawyers, shares with Body+Soul the conversations any couple looking to settle under one roof should have before committing to a 12-month lease. 

The most important conversation to have

We’ve long been conditioned to believe that conversations about our finances should be reserved only for our accountants once a year at tax time. But talking openly about our salaries, expenses and financial goals with our partners is a crucial sign of commitment and maturity. 

After years of guiding couples through the often problematic division of their assets after a breakdown of their relationship, chatting about money is the number one conversation Bos recommends couples have before moving in together, “I have witnessed many relationships break down because partners were not on the same page about finances so it’s critical to ensure expectations are aligned.”

“Ensure you’re aligned and have a clear understanding of how you plan to share (or not share) money, as well as your approach to spending and saving. For example, will you keep your finances separate or combine them, and how will you manage expenses and savings?” Bos says.

Having a clear understanding and agreement about how adversity or unforeseen circumstances will be managed is crucial. Image: iStock

It’s also important to acknowledge that living together comes with a number of added expenses – not just the weekly or monthly rent payments. If you plan on having access to light, heat, water and internet, you’ll need to set clear expectations with your partner about how to budget for utilities and everyday bills. 

“Couples often move in together with an idealistic view of money management, so it’s essential to discuss "what if" scenarios and have contingency plans in place. For instance, while keeping finances separate may seem like the best option at first, it can become complicated if you decide to have children, if one partner loses their job, or if someone becomes unwell and unable to work,” explains Bos. 

“It’s important to evaluate hypothetical scenarios to ensure that both you and your partner have aligned expectations regarding finances and money management.”

As a general measure, Bos recommends couples rent together for a year or so before committing to a mortgage or merging finances completely, “This way they can know what it's like to live together before making bigger decisions,” she says.

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When is the right time to talk about salaries, spending and saving?

According to Bos, if your relationship feels serious enough to warrant a shared lease, then having thorough and honest conversations about your future expectations, and having a clear understanding and agreement about how adversity or unforeseen circumstances will be managed is crucial. 

“It’s important to start discussing finances as soon as you move in together, or even before. If you move in without having these discussions, each person tends to act based on their own assumptions – and assumptions can lead to major issues,” she says.

“When couples first move in together, there's often a honeymoon phase where people overlook things they're not entirely happy with, just to keep the peace. If these issues aren’t addressed from the start, they can turn into deep-rooted disputes. 

“For example, one partner might become frustrated about paying the mortgage on their own, despite never having agreed to this, simply because the topic was never discussed. Once you're already living together, there are certain topics that may be a little too late to address,” Bos explains.

Originally published as Conversations you need to have before moving in with your partner