Racing thoughts, anxious feelings, TV escapism – sound familiar? You’re not the only one. 

But while stress can impact the body in plenty of different ways, the experts say it’s also one of the biggest “pleasure blockers”. 

According to a new study, 61 per cent of people say stress impacts their sex lives by causing fatigue, physical pain, low libido, distracting thoughts, low mood, low confidence, an inability to relax and even erection problems, which just leaves them far too exhausted to even think about getting freaky. 

The research, which involved almost 2000 people, also found that men were more likely to be impacted by work-related stress, while women reported higher levels of financial and family stress.

“I think one of the ways that stress really impacts the body and libido is that it gets into your sympathetic nervous systems,” Susie Kim, a relationship & intimacy coach, tells Body+Soul. 

“To be open to sex, you need to be in the part of the nervous system called the social engagement system, which is the connect, relax, receptive, open, pleasure part of the nervous system, and you need to be relaxed enough to be able to engage in it.

“But when you’re stressed, you’re often just thinking about what you're stressed about, and you're not really in a mood to slow down enough to really have sex.”

The pleasure blocker

Stress is more than just the unwanted third party in the bedroom – it can also be a major mood killer. 

“I think that being in your head is one of the biggest barriers to fully being in the experience of your body,” Kim says.  

“And when you're in your head and have an overactive mind, of course you can't fully orgasm because you're not actually open to the pleasure that's running in your body.

Kim explains that in order to hit the big O, there needs to be quite a lot of presence in the body. 

“They call it interoception,” she says, “which is the awareness of sensations inside the body and there needs to be, ultimately, a surrender and relaxation in order to experience an orgasm.”

“But if you’re stuck in your head, you're very much holding on, you're very much thinking and analysing, and you're not in a receptive somatic state, which is what you need.” 

How to keep stress out of the bedroom

For those looking for ways to chill out before they delve under the sheets, Kim says lifestyle changes to holistically manage stress can have huge benefits. 

From exercising and doing anything to move your body, to sleeping more, drinking water more, and better managing work stress. 

But when it comes to looking after your libido, the intimacy coach says these five tips can really boost your sex drive 

#1.Practice mindfulness

Whether it’s meditation, mindful movement or bringing greater awareness to sensations, Kim says mindfulness practices can help you slow down and be really present to what’s happening in the here and now. 

“It doesn't matter if that's dance, if that's meditation, if that's embodiment, if that's going on a walk,” she explains.

“But there needs to be something that helps you regularly come into the present moment and notice what's going on inside without needing to change it. 

“Regular practice is amazing for stress management, but it's also amazing to open you to the possibility of wanting to have sex.”

#2. Get emotionally current

Often when we’re stressed, there’s a lot of emotions involved. 

There can be fear, shame, or even sadness. 

“There's different emotions that the stress is kind of sitting on top of,” Kim says, “so having a way to get emotionally current with yourself is really important.” 

Whether that’s alone, or with your partner. 

“It could be getting emotionally current with yourself by just taking five minutes to write down how you're feeling and actually giving presence to it and acknowledging how you're feeling,” explains the relationships expert. 

“Or with your partner, it could be being able to really ask and share, ‘What's going on for you? How are you feeling?’, and getting emotionally current with each other.” 

Which won’t just alleviate stress, Kim says, but it’ll help create more connection between you two. 

“Especially for couples when there are deeper emotional fractures going on because it's going to feel quite difficult to want to have this beautiful, connected time with each other if there’s too much in the way. 

“So that emotional currency with each other, it might mean more than one conversation and could be something deeper.”

#3. Have non physical intimacy

One of the most important tips for de-stressing and having a mind-blowing sex life, is being able to build non sexual physical intimacy into your relationship. 

“So that's like hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging, holding hands, stroking hair and all of those touch points of physical intimacy without it leading to sex,” Kim explains. 

“Because what happens a lot, especially with women and mothers, is their partners will want sex but they only have this physical intimacy which then leads to sex, and that creates this problem of, like, ‘Eww, everytime they touch me, we're gonna have sex’. 

“There's no time for just the pleasure of physical intimacy, and we really want to relax.

“So building in non sexual and non pressurised physical intimacy is actually going to create more intimacy.” 

#4. Make space for your own pleasure

Kim’s final point is around your individual relationship to pleasure. 

“So many people don't think about their pleasure at all, or when they're stressed they stress masturbate, which isn't really pleasure centred,” she says. “That's more about discharging a stressful sensation and a stressful state.”

She says it’s important to invite a bit more pleasure in – but it doesn't even have to be sexual pleasure. 

“But it should be somatic pleasure,” the intimacy coach explains. “So being able to open yourself to receiving a massage and feeling the pleasure of that, or when you're working out or stretching and feeling the pleasure of that, or when you have the sun on your skin and feeling the pleasure of that. 

“And then maybe it is also touching, massaging or moisturising your body with oils and feeling the pleasure of that.”

Kim says it’s all of these things that invite pleasure to the body. “It could even be masturbating, but really letting your body feel the pleasure of that. 

“It's just about creating a relationship with pleasure, whether or not that includes sex.”