How to have an amicable split — tips for keeping calm and carrying on

Not all marriages go the distance and many end in divorce, or ‘conscious uncoupling’ as in the case of Gwyneth Paltrow. But splitting up doesn’t always have to be a nasty business.

Young male and female standing next to each other, couple breaking up, closeup

Typical Gwyneth Paltrow, she of the golden hair, gleaming life and glorious Goop-i-ness.

Instead of admitting she was “splitting” with singer husband Chris Martin after 10 years of marriage, she used the now-famous term “conscious uncoupling”.

Only Paltrow could turn something as fraught, traumatic and soul-destroying as divorce into a beautiful, mutual and poetic letting go.

Of course, the backlash was brutal.

Paltrow was mercilessly mocked for being pretentious and out of touch. Surely there’s no such thing as happily divorced?

It’s been five years since Paltrow appropriated “conscious uncoupling”, and the phrase now carries some cachet.

More and more separating couples are seeking a “nice divorce”, where they remain civil to one another — especially when children are involved.

“I call it ‘divorce without remorse’,” says Helen Suke, family lawyer at Suke & Associates.

One couple who has managed to untangle a marriage while remaining civil and, indeed, friends, are cookbook connoisseurs Greg and Lucy Malouf.

The once-married culinary couple broke up during the production of their first book, Arabesque, in 1999.

What went wrong?

“I was climbing the career ladder. I became extremely busy, working late. I immersed myself in work and that was probably the downfall of it all,” says Greg from Dubai, where the Michelin-starred chef is based.

Cookbook authors Greg and Lucy Malouf have written eight cookbooks together after separated on their first one. Picture: Alan Benson

“Lucy definitely wanted children and I wasn’t ready.”

It’s a sad, if familiar story. What’s unusual is the fact the Maloufs were too scared to tell their publicist and publisher they’d separated mid-production.

What’s more, for the sake of the book they pretended everything was peachy even though it was going pear-shaped.

“It was our first venture and we didn’t want to jeopardise that — it was important for us. I really wanted to get this book out and get Middle Eastern food documented,” Greg says.

To complicate matters, they had already planned to photograph Arabesque in their marital Melbourne home.

By the time the camera crew arrived, Greg had moved out.

“I used to go to the market super early and buy produce for the photo shoot and then arrive at the house at 7am and make out we were still together,” Greg says.

The ruse lasted four days before the former couple cracked, pulled the publicist aside and admitted they had separated.

The break didn’t hamper sales. In fact, the Maloufs have gone on to co-author another seven cook and travel books, with their eighth, Suqar (“sugar” in Arabic), released by Hardie Grant last year.

Lucy, now living in the UK with her second husband, says enforced collaboration was, curiously, a positive thing for their break up.

“Let’s be clear — divorce is never an easy process no matter how kindly you feel disposed towards your partner. The logistical and emotional stuff is a difficult journey, but in retrospect it was a good thing we were under pressure trying to get that first bloody book finished. We couldn’t fight and storm off. We had to keep working together to complete the project,” Lucy says.

Greg and Lucy Malouf back in the day.

“Neither of us is very combative or confrontational. And neither of us is bitter or resentful. It was more just a terrible sadness. We also had a mutual respect for each other. We could still see the good qualities in the other person and see what made us fall in love in the first place.”

Lucy adds: “It’s been interesting travelling around the Arab world. Trying to explain you’re Greg and Lucy Malouf but that you’re not married is a challenge.

“The irony of it all is we rock up in Iran as a non-married, married couple and hotel reception tries to put Greg and me in a room together.”

So, what causes divorce? The most common reason is infidelity. But financial troubles, lack of intimacy or communication, inequality within the relationship, and abuse are all contributing factors. Sometimes people just feel unloved, or fall out of love.

In reality, a split is rarely a mutual decision.

“The greatest difficulty is when it’s not one person’s choice for the relationship to end. It’s awful when it comes as a bolt from the blue for the other; they often need extra support,” Suke says.

Even so, marriage breakdown impacts on everyone — including the partner who chooses to leave.

“I felt the weight of parental responsibility,” says Rachel*, who left her husband after 25 years together.

“Breaking up a family is an extremely difficult decision to make. Leaving a marriage after so many years together is a heavy burden and very sad.”

The Melbourne mother of three felt she had lost her sense of self over the course of her marriage.

“My career ended when we moved to Australia early in our relationship. My husband’s career, however, blossomed; he was the breadwinner, the high achiever, the successful, busy businessman — something he couldn’t do without my total support,” she says.

“I was keeping everything together in the background. I became a full-time carer at home for our three wonderful children and as a result, over time, became financially dependent. My wants, needs and views had no value in our relationship.”

The breakdown of Rachel’s marriage was a slow burn — the entire process took five years.

“There was a lot of resistance when I first started introducing the idea of separation,” she says.

Infidelity is the most reason for divorce, but financial troubles, lack of intimacy or communication, inequality within the relationship, and abuse are all contributing factors.

“My husband understandably wanted to keep the family together. His parents had separated when he was young and he knew all too well the possible impact on the children.”

Children are often the innocent victims in ugly relationship breakdowns; they can experience fear, loss, grief, confusion, even guilt.

“Always look at a situation through your children’s eyes, even if it hurts you,” Suke says.

“Never denigrate the other person in front of the children. Don’t make them feel guilty,
or stop them seeing the other parent.”

Rachel was achingly mindful of protecting her children from any negative aspects of the process.

“I think it’s important you are both civil and considerate in your communication with each other, particularly in front of the children,” she says. “And if you can’t achieve this face-to-face, it’s better to communicate in other ways, such as email.”

Suke says counselling can help individuals wade through the emotional turmoil and decision-making that follows a split.

“I recommend each person has the care of a good GP as well as an excellent psychologist. Receiving counselling is not a sign of weakness; it’s a valuable tool to use during this difficult time.”

After marriage counselling failed, Rachel decided to talk one-on-one to a psychologist.

“It took a year for me to work through everything with her, to see things clearly, and ultimately make a decision. I was advised to start making a life with friendships outside the marriage, to do things for myself by myself, and to create my own identity, which included rebuilding my own self-worth,” she says.

Like it or not, men are overwhelmingly the breadwinners in families. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the labour force participation rate in 2017-18 was 67 per cent for women compared with 78 per cent for men aged 20-74. For parents with a child under six, the difference in participation
is even greater, with just 62 per cent of mothers versus 94 per cent of fathers participating in the labour force.

In addition, men also tend to be in charge of the household finances. But what happens after a separation? Divorced women who were neither the breadwinner nor in charge of the purse strings are often left in dire financial straits.

Suke says it’s important for both partners to be financially savvy throughout their marriage.

The family lawyer is now a lecturer at the The Women’s Education Series. Hosted by the Bank of Melbourne, the series was created to provide education to women on a wide range of financial topics, giving them financial literacy for confidence and empowerment.

Family lawyer Helen Suke

“It’s free education, in a safe and friendly environment where women can come to learn, build and expand their skills in all matters financial for better decision making,” Suke says.

Not all divorces have to escalate into acrimonious courtroom dramas. Seeking early legal advice, however, is shrewd.

Rachel made contact with a family lawyer who was extremely supportive and helpful.

“I had no idea what my legal position was. My lawyer recommended firstly that I take time to fully understand my financial position. She also encouraged me to think about what I would like my future to look like. She advised me to seek out professional financial advice and ultimately plan what would be an ideal and fair settlement for us both.” Rachel says.

In Rachel’s case, both parties were relieved they avoided an expensive and time-consuming court battle.

Suke also suggests one of the most important steps a couple can take is to house themselves close to each other.

“This is important for the children who are shuttling between homes. It makes it easier if a kid leaves something behind. It also takes the stress out of the question about whether they have to move schools or not — and one of the greatest constants during this time of upheaval is school life,” Suke says.

Rachel followed this advice.

“The children and I helped my ex find an alternative home close by while we sorted things out. For the children’s sake, we both decided it would be best if they were not around when he moved out of the family home. They did however help him move in to his new place and create a space that felt like a second home to them all,” Rachel says.

And it’s important to surround yourself with supportive family and friends during this difficult time — as long as they are sensible.

READ MORE:

FAMOUS FACES PAY TRIBUTE TO TEACHERS

VICTORIAN WINEMAKERS TAKING ON THE WORLD

Conversely, try to avoid involving family and friends in the day-to-day minutiae of the separation; it can be overwhelming for them.

Be realistic about other people’s loyalties to you both. For whatever reason, sometimes your mutual friends may side with an ex.

If losing friends is painful, splitting the prized record collection is the real kicker.

What about division of chattels?

Suke says this is the last thing divorcing couples should worry about.

“I leave that right to the end. Toss a coin about whom gets what. This issue requires people to be sensible,” she says.

If you can’t come to an agreement between you, seek advice and help from the experts.

The ultimate test of conscious uncoupling
is whether divorcees can accept new partners. Greg Malouf should be awarded top honours for his efforts.

“I cooked at Lucy’s second wedding,” he says.

*NOT HER REAL NAME