Struggling to find the spark with your significant other? Here’s what one world-renowned sex and relationship expert wants you to know. 

Even the most passionate of couples can acknowledge that intimacy ebbs and flows throughout any relationship, and pinpointing the cause is sometimes no easy task. 

Whether it be the everyday stresses of adult responsibilities – especially when you throw in a few family pets and kids to the mix – mismatched libidos or even unaddressed insecurities, every couple is bound to hit a few bumps in the road when it comes to their sex lives. 

The good news is that no rut in the bedroom is irreversible, according to sex and relationship therapist Kate Moyle, who has five simple hacks to kickstart sexual desire for couples doing it tough. 

The London-based sex and relationship psychotherapist – one of the most in-demand experts across the globe – has appeared on the BBC series Sex On The Couch, authored her own book The Science Of Sex, and has recently launched a podcast designed to provide expert-led advice directly to listeners on how to achieve better sex, called The Sexual Wellness Sessions. 

So, what’s Moyle’s secret to helping even the most fractured couples rediscover their intimacy spark and sexual groove? The psychotherapist breaks it down into five simple tips.

#1. Choose the right time to talk about it

Speaking about intimacy – in any context – is often an uncomfortable task for most, but if there’s one place where bringing up your sex-related concerns, critiques or questions is sure to cause problems, it’s during the act itself. 

“Talking about sex immediately before, after or during the act isn’t recommended – separating the two opens up space for the conversation to feel more neutral and less charged,” Moyle tells The Telegraph. 

Of course, honest communication is the most important foundation of any healthy relationship, but if you do have something you’d like to bring up with your significant other about their exploits (or lack thereof) in the bedroom, it’s best to frame it in a positive light. 

“So you might say, “I feel really close to you when we’re having sex and I’d like to do it more”, rather than “I feel distant from you because we haven’t had sex in a while”,” Says Moyle.

As with anything, it's important to also give your partner time to digest the conversation – just because the issue has been on your mind for a while, doesn’t mean it hasn’t come out of the blue for them. 

It's natural for people to feel defensive when they're caught off guard – especially when it's about something as personal and intimate as sex – so give your partner space and time to allow them to meet you in the right headspace, Moyle suggests.

#2. There’s more to sex than regularity and orgasms

Most people would consider a 'good' sex life to be one that involves plenty of sex and plenty of orgasms. But, as Moyle explains, frequency and orgasms do not always accurately reflect the quality of sex people are having, “And for many couples, their definition of what a “good” sex life is can vary – one person may feel unloved or unattractive to their partner based on the frequency of sex, but the other may think “I hadn’t even thought about our sex life – we’re absolutely fine”," explains the intimacy expert.

Another measure disproportionately used by couples to measure the success of their sexploits is whether or not they reach climax, or orgasm, every time. Ironically, it’s this focus on orgasm that can be the very thing that gets in the way of one actually occurring, Moyle says. 

“That focus on orgasm can create additional pressure too, and that pressure, and the consequent anxiety we feel, is the thing that can inhibit sexual connection, taking us out of the moment and putting the brakes on enjoyment,” she explains.

So, what should your focus be during intimacy? Moyle says moving away from predefined goals and focusing instead on pleasure, without expectation, is the way to go.

“All the focus for so long has been on one part of sex – the end goal – which, in my experience, gets people caught up in bigger problems because it devalues the other enjoyable elements of sex.”

#3. There’s nothing wrong with pressing pause on sex 

With so much pressure to please our partners, and be pleased in return, it’s no wonder couples are finding the whole question of sex to be an overwhelming, thorny issue. It’s why Moyle even suggests removing the act completely from the equation for some couples, instead urging them to focus on other forms of intimacy and connection. 

“I’d suggest going back to basics and taking penetrative sex out of the equation. When sex becomes a stressor and we’re in a relationship, our partner can get caught up in becoming part of that stress, since they’re the person with whom we’re having sex,” she says.

She also suggests thinking about other ways to increase "sexual currency" – i.e. anything in a relationship that positively contributes to sex and maintaining an erotic or sexual connection.

"Perhaps that’s a flirty text, a kiss when you walk past each other, or reaching out for each other when you get home – giving each other attention, essentially.”

#4. Reintroduce sex thoughtfully

Naturally, taking sex off the table completely will leave most couples wondering how – and when – to reintroduce it back into their lives. If you’ve taken a break from getting intimate, whether on purpose or as a result of circumstances, Moyle says it’s important not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel desire once more.

“That worried feeling you’ve lost desire can be a desire-dampener in itself, adding extra pressure. I tell clients that the most predictable thing about sex is that it will change – we all think it’s meant to be this fixed entity, but it’s really not,” Moyle says. 

“The reality is that a lot of people, particularly in long-term relationships (and more typically women), don’t think about sex or have that desire for sex out of the blue.”

With desire often being responsive, Moyle says it’s crucial to foster the kind of circumstances where desire can naturally emerge and grow. 

“We need to create a context where sex could happen, without making it the focus. So that might be lying in bed, talking and touching, without our phones. While we might not be in the mood for sex when we get into bed, what you’ll notice is that as you lean into that scenario, the desire is “triggered”. So creating the context means the desire comes afterwards.”

#5. Touch doesn't need to lead to anything

It’s not uncommon for people – especially women assuming the primary caregiver role to young children – to feel ‘touched out’ after a long day, and as many couples know, this can lead to associating being touched by their partner with an expectation for sex. 

Touching for touch's sake is "One way to recalibrate this mindset" says Moyle, meaning touching your partner without the expectation of it leading to sex. Coincidentally, integrating touch into your relationship without an agenda can lead to intimacy more organically.

"Think touching each other to feel the warmth of their skin, or to enjoy a hug without the intention of it becoming something more,” Moyle says.

Taking away the expectation for touch to lead to more intense physical action allows people to reconnect with their partners and simply enjoy the sensation of being close to them.