Men are not sure how they’re viewed, and if they are even required anymore | Robyn Ingerson

Young men get the message that girls and boys are ‘equal’ – but they are also getting a message that they themselves are somehow inherently the problem, reports Robyn Ingerson.

For months now I have been thinking about men.

It appears some have lost their way, unsure where they fit right now. While mulling over this male conundrum, I consulted a solid sample of men from all ages – relatives, friends, teachers, youth educators, sport coaches and women, on how men are currently feeling in the workplace, in their relationships, their communities, their families and just in general.

Stated by a 40-year-old young father: “Some men don’t even know how to interact with women, they are too scared to pass comment on anything.

“They are not sure how they’re viewed, and if they are even required anymore. Men are being encouraged to be vulnerable, yet in some settings, vulnerability is still perceived as weakness.

Men are expected to be softer, more emotionally aware and display vulnerability to match the natural evolutionary progress of many women.

Some men feel their struggles are dismissed because of perceived male privilege, even when they face economic, emotional and social hardship. Men are still conditioned to suppress their feelings, leading to higher risks of depression, substance abuse and suicide.”

Over the past 10 years, sadly, I know too many who have committed suicide, all have been men. Why is this happening? Is it because there are fewer resources, fewer support networks compared to women. Men tend to have fewer close friends and less likely to seek professional help.

Women are champions in drawing on their female tribe to navigate raising kids, juggling work, financial pressures which are peaking right now with the cost-of-living crisis and dreadful drought conditions for so many in the farming community, where the suicide rate among men is more than double non-farming men.

A 60-year-old teacher stated: “Most boys, teens and young men I speak to are confused about their role or place in the world as men these days. A lot of the gender ideals that are being touted (and even taught in the school curriculum) leave boys doubting their value and uniqueness in the world. They get the message that girls and boys are ‘equal’ or the ‘same’, but they also get a message that they themselves are somehow inherently the problem.”

I know the automatic response, and I hear this often, it is all the feminist movement’s fault. The pendulum has swung too far. However, as co-author of The Boy Crisis, Dr Warren Farrell, says: “It’s not the achievement of women that bothers men. It is the putting down of men making us into the enemy that has bothered men, they have felt disturbed by that. They feel they can’t be who they want to be, and many I talk to are angry, they are lacking tools, support and knowledge of how to process their feelings and frustrations.”

Wellteam holds regular events in and around Adelaide for men to catch up over healthy activities.

I was so fortunate to have a discussion over this topic with founder of Wellteam and thought leader Troy Flower.

Troy states: “Maybe it’s just hard to know what role to play in society today. Maybe we’ve ticked all the boxes; car, house, job title, partner, kids, passport stamps, income and realised that there’s still something fundamental that is missing.

We’re stuck between being raised as a ‘historical man’ by grandparents, parents, partners, kids and society and now we’re expected to be a ‘neutral gendered person’, with no bias, masculine drive or traditional ‘male’ tendencies.”

“We have to completely rewire ourselves at an age when the pressures mount to be great providers for our families. To be tough, strong resilient … and yet soft, gentle and vulnerable.”

“Today, men are expected to be softer, more emotionally aware and display vulnerability to match the natural evolutionary progress of many women, but from an evolutionary perspective the cultural differences between genders played an important part in the human species progress. No-one would suggest that a lion should drop its aggressive approach with other males and become more feminine like a lioness or that a male peacock should quit its flashy show of feathers in favour of a more demure, subtle, humble look in line with a peahen.”

“Evolutionary psychology is difficult to shake, after all it’s taken 200,000-plus years to arrive at where we are. Societal norms and gender expectations are difficult to shake, for men, women and society as a whole.”

Some men feel their struggles are dismissed because of perceived male privilege, even when they face economic, emotional and social hardship, writes Robyn Ingerson.

“Men know that the best way to look after their families is by living their own life healthier and happier. Living healthier is not a choice for the modern man, it is an imperative.”

My discussion with Troy was united, especially the essence of what as a human race we are all trying to achieve. To just be good people, to eliminate suffering, raise and teach our kids to be kind, thoughtful and compassionate. Not to force our opinions on to others, but just live our lives without bias, stop labelling people and creating barriers.

The future is about wellness for all. Living a healthier life – more sleep, more exercise, moderation, less online engagement, more nature, more camaraderie, more breathing, more laughter.

Wellteam, an international health and wellness movement, is out to provide a space in the middle, a place of trust, with camaraderie and men out to reboot themselves with more energy, drive and purpose. And women are welcome too. I have already joined their online community. I am keen to continue my healthier path of balance and wellness. As Troy states (and I cheer from the sidelines): “It’s time to change the world by focusing on living our healthiest, happiest lives … united.”

Originally published as Men are not sure how they’re viewed, and if they are even required anymore | Robyn Ingerson