Hate your birthday? There might be a psychological reason why

Not everyone likes a fuss

Do you cringe at the thought of being serenaded while being presented with a cake? If you loathe celebrating another year's passing, you're not alone. 

Forget Coachella, when it comes to festivals the Festival of Shona is where it’s at (according to me at least).

Mid-February when my birthday rolls around, more often than not, I am already days into celebrating my b-day, and I usually continue for a few days afterwards too. I like to call it my Birthday Week and no, I don’t feel guilty or silly about it because why should I? I mean when else do you get a legitimate reason to put yourself first and celebrate for actually ageing a year?

While I am sure some people might like to label my love of celebrating with some not-so-positive adjectives, clinical psychologist, and author of Difficult People, Dr Rebecca Ray says there is a range of (legitimate) reasons why birthday lovers (like me) are how we are.

“Some people thrive on the attention and celebration of them that birthdays bring [and] some people (especially extroverts) relish the idea of any kind of party and use their own birthday to bring people together.

Both of these types of people are likely to have positive memories of their birthdays in childhood when they were likely to have parents/grown-ups who modelled celebrating them,” she tells Body+Soul.

Some people thrive on the attention and celebration of them that birthdays. Image: iStock

While neither approach is ‘right or wrong’, or ‘good or bad’, Dr Ray does say that for those who thrive on attention, while it can never be too much for the person themselves (too right), it could potentially be seen as too much by those around them if celebrations are excessive in size and/or quantity, and/or the person expects others to go beyond their means to celebrate with them and for them. So, being conscious of this is recommended (duly noted).

Something else to be mindful of is the other birthday people and by others, I mean those who aren’t so keen on the fuss and attention because as Dr Ray explains, there is probably a very good reason as to why.

“Some people can have a lifelong disinterest in their own birthday, either because of negative memories from childhood (grown-ups/parents making their birthday unpleasant or insignificant in some way), because their personality style causes them to lean away from being the centre of attention and the pressure to celebrate in groups is overwhelming (especially for introverts), or because they don’t place importance on birthdays for personal, cultural, or religious reasons,” she says.

Some people thrive on the attention and celebration that birthdays bring. Image: iStock

Even those of us who usually adore celebrating our birthday can find ourselves more reluctant some years, especially as milestone birthdays approach (i.e., the big 4-0) and we aren’t where we thought we’d be or haven’t achieved what we thought we would have by that age.

“I think birthdays cause us to reflect on the passage of time. They can challenge our expectations of where we think we need to be at this time in our lives, especially for people who cling tightly to life milestones and timelines they may hold for themselves,” says Dr Ray.

“In this way, a birthday (often an ‘0’ or ‘5’ birthday) can actually trigger a grief process or existential crisis when those milestones or that timeline have not occurred.”

The occurrence of a life-altering event that influences our outlook on life, in general, can also significantly impact our view of celebrating birthdays says Dr Ray.

“Recovery from a life-threatening illness, loss of a loved one, witnessing others suffer, or the experience of trauma can lead people who previously disliked birthdays to learn to approach birthdays from a place of deep gratitude for the privilege of another year to celebrate.”

Birthdays cause us to reflect on the passage of time says Dr Ray. Image: iStock

But where there's a will there's a way and birthdays are no different. So, if you are someone who has been a long-time sufferer of the birthday blues, or someone who just wants to see what all the birthday fuss is about, Dr Ray says that there are ways to make your birthdays a cause for celebration:

#1. Use gratitude as an anchor back to the privilege of time.

#2. Give yourself credit for everything you’ve accomplished up until now.

#3. Thank the younger you for all they have done, endured, and created for you.

#4. Let go of expectations. Your timing is your timing and it’s okay if that looks very different to those around you.

And for those of you who have someone who isn’t a ‘birthday person’ in your life and doesn’t want to be, Dr Ray says that this is a personal experience that belongs to them to be respectful and mindful of that. “Just because you might hope it looks more like your own doesn’t mean that’s what they need,” she says.

“Ask them what would feel meaningful for them in terms of acknowledgement and then do no more or less than that.”

But for the record, I am ready to celebrate mine.

Originally published as Hate your birthday? There might be a psychological reason why