Got the three-month itch? Here's what to do

Read this before you say goodbye

Does the end of the honeymoon phase have you looking towards greener, more single pastures? Psychologist Rachel Voysey helps us understand the psychological process of habituation as a way to alleviate the three-month itch.

Whether it’s the mysticism of the number three, our generation’s lowered attention span or endless swipes at our fingertips; the three-month mark in a new relationship (or however you have/haven’t defined your union) is often charged with a powerful ‘make it or break it' energy.

Should I commit? Do I even like this person that much? Who else is out there?

These are the questions likely on a relationship terminator’s mind at the three-month mark. But before you say “hasta la vista” to your boo, a psychological process called habituation might explain why you’re feeling the way you do and what to do about it. Principal psychologist at The Relationship Room, Rachel Voysey explains.

What is habituation in a relationship?

Ever stopped noticing the scent of your perfume or the sound of your neighbor's dog that’s always barking? That’s habituation – a psychological process that involves decreased response to a stimulus when exposed to the same stimulus repeatedly, explains Voysey.

“In a relationship, [habituating] means you’re having a diminished response to the things your partner does,” she says. Or in other words, things that your partner does that once emitted strong, positive responses from you are being noticed less, or even taken for granted. (Don’t worry we’re all guilty of it.) And three months is around the amount of time this can start to happen in a relationship, says Voysey.

“Say the person you’re seeing sends you a good morning text every morning, and all you wanted in your last relationship was for someone to do that,” says Voysey. “But now they’ve done that for three months, you don’t even really notice it anymore.”

It's all happy days until you're three months in. Image: Pexels

This example shows how habituation can lead you to taking a positive gesture for granted, but it equally applies to less desirable behaviour. “You can actually end up on a slippery slope heading towards a toxic relationship with habituation, because you can become accustomed to negative behaviour too,” Voysey warns.

“If you’ve got a partner who uses a lot of criticism or they’re a little bit aggressive in their communication style… maybe in the beginning you recognise that you don’t like the way they talk to you. But then, three months in you become accustomed to or more accepting of the way they communicate with you.”

If you find yourself turning a blind eye to bad behaviour and shuttling towards a toxic relationship, then it could be time to scratch that itch and seriously consider the future of your relationship, or at least confront your partner about their behaviour.

Time to reasses? Image: Canva.

What is dishabituation and how can it help the three-month itch?

So it’s been three months and you’re knee deep in the possibility of commitment. The person you’re seeing is great, but their texts aren’t putting a smile on your dial quite like they used to and it’s making you question the relationship. Perhaps it’s time to try a little dishabituation before calling it quits?

Dishabituation is the recovery response to habituation, and it involves two things.

The first is practicing gratitude. “Your mind wants to habituate, so we need to put focused attention on the things that our partner does that make us happy,” says Voysey. She suggests one way to do this is by listing the things that make you happy in a gratitude journal, like you would for other aspects of your life.

The second aspect of dishabituation is variation in the way we communicate our love. Voysey reminds us that while we may be preoccupied with how we’ve habituated to our partner, they might also be habituated to us so we should take dishabituating as an opportunity to lead by example.

You know what's hot? Seeing each other again after some time apart. Image: iStock

How can both you and your partner dishabituate by showing variation in the way you communicate your love for one another? “Changing the frequency, intensity and novelty in which we communicate our love is key,” says Voysey.

While you don’t want to play games within your relationship, healthier examples of dishabituation could include altering the frequency in which you see your partner, focusing on quality time rather than quantity; replace your usual compliment with a cheeky bit of physical affection; or take your partner somewhere you’ve never been before. “Keep some mystery about the way you show up,” says Voysey.

Voysey offers a final piece of important advice to help prevent habituation and combat the three-month itch – keep your personal life full. Or in the wise words of my mum, don’t live in each other’s pockets. “By keeping your personal life full it creates that mystery and tension that keeps the other person interested in what you’re doing,” Voysey advises. Dishabituated and full- life girl summer incoming.

Originally published as Got the three-month itch? Here's what to do