Dirty cutlery, hardened arteries and food poisoning: Life of a food reviewer isn’t all champagne and caviar
Eating for a living isn’t all “champagne and caviar”, with nonsensical moments, inedible food and — god forbid — food poisoning among the downsides. The delicious.100 critics reveal their tips, tricks, and how to dine like a pro.
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Big smiles greet us at the door as warm and cheery staff welcome us into the intimate, high-end eatery, regarded as one of the best in town.
As we slide into a cosy booth and begin to study the menu, my friend pauses, then stares deeply into my eyes across the table.
“I don’t know how you do this,” he says.
We’re at our third restaurant of the day, about to review our third multi-course meal in only six hours. My mate’s face is flushed and beads of sweat bubble on his brow.
After renovating his house and living without a kitchen for eight weeks, he was initially more excited than a teenage girl at a Taylor Swift concert at the prospect of helping me with back-to-back reviews.
But the keen foodie is now filled with not only a week’s worth of calories, but deep regret.
He was clearly ill-prepared for the assault on your insides that can come with being a professional reviewer.
For the unseasoned, eating that much food laden with the flavour-boosting properties of oil, butter, sugar and salt can have you feeling like Mike Tyson is trying to punch his way out of your guts.
My friend had also peaked too early, eating everything on his plate despite my cautioning to sample rather than lick each plate clean.
While restaurant reviewing is an incredible privilege, it’s not all “champagne and caviar”, says fellow delicious.100 reviewer Anthony Huckstep.
“You have to remember that critics are taking a hit for the team, therefore we eat a lot of bad food so you don’t have to,” Huckstep says.
“I’ve eaten my fair share of armpit burgers and if you get too many in a row it can really dent your faith in the industry. Sure, it’s a tough gig to complain about, but three hours of inedible food and Fawlty Towers service can put a real dampener on your week.” Then there are the moments so nonsensical they’re amusing, such as being served croquettes that rolled off the plate and across a dirty table — and still being expected to eat them.
Or when a waiter bringing cutlery drops it on the ground and then hands it to me like nothing happened. Or perhaps being served up a casing from a pen on top of a pizza.
There’s also food poisoning.
“It’s always a hazard of the professional eater — it certainly doesn’t bear thinking about how many people have touched the food I eat,” says Herald Sun food writer and delicious. 100 reviewer Dan Stock.
“But the recent proliferation of tartare on every menu made from all manner of exotic raw meats, whether wallaby or emu, alpaca and roo, has made the morning after the night before an increasingly nerve-racking affair.”
For delicious. magazine editor and reviewer Samantha Jones, it’s when kitchens get the basics wrong that she’s most deflated.
“(It’s) the disappointment of under-seasoned sauces and overcooked meats,” she says.
“Oh, and the amount of work it takes to write a review that’s not been written 100 times. There are only so many words for delicious.”
On that, another delight of reviewing is that everyone thinks they can do it better than you — as witnessed by the 652 million (rough guesstimate) poorly worded, misspelled rants on sites such as TripAdvisor and Zomato.
Professional reviews are not blow-by-blow accounts of how your breakfast was too cold, coffee too hot or waiter too annoying.
They are thoughtful, measured summaries of what to expect at a restaurant guided by years of experience, knowledge and expertise that help to inform a reader whether or not a venue is worth spending their hard-earned at.
But, of course, there are moments of greatness, too.
“It could be the joy of perfectly fluffy bread with fresh house-churned butter, to something you’ve never seen before on the plate and makes you feel like a kid opening the gift they never thought they’d get for Christmas,” Jones says.
“I also love seeing a chef start rising through the ranks and emerging to inject new flavour on to our dining scene.”
Huckstep adds: “It could be a dish that forces you to put the cutlery down and revel in its deliciousness, the anticipation of what’s to come, the energy of the room when the floor staff are on fire.”
For Stock, it’s all about the people.
“The best part of being a food critic isn’t actually the food, though, of course, I’ve eaten incredibly, greedily, astonishingly and increasingly well over the 15-plus years I’ve been writing about eating and drinking around Melbourne and Victoria. It’s the people who make the food.
“And by that, I don’t mean the chefs who cook it — as creative and interesting and clever and bonkers as many of them are — but the producers and brewers and fishermen and apiarists and cheesemakers who, in their small but vital way, are changing what and how we eat for the better.
“Much is made of the great produce we have in Australia, but that is as much to do with the great people behind getting it to our plate, and telling their stories is the best thing about my job. Oh, and marron. I get to eat a lot of it. That’s also very nice.”
HOW TO ORDER LIKE A REVIEWER
1. No steak — unless it’s a steak restaurant.
2. Always choose the most interesting, innovative and technically challenging dish on the menu so you can assess the skills of the kitchen and their ability to transform a concept into something delicious.
3. Also always order the restaurant’s signature dish or their specialty. If they hang their hat on it, it needs to be good.
4. Order a glass of wine to see if they pour it at the table or bring it pre-poured. A pre-poured glass may mean you’re not getting what you ordered.
5. Always assess the toilets of a venue. Dirty toilets are often synonymous with a dirty kitchen.
BEST AND WORST DINING EXPERIENCES OF 2019
THE BEST
Dan Stock: “Is it cheating to go abroad for this? Sardines cooked over coals served with chips and a litre carafe of vinho verde for about 10 euros at the little locals’ restaurant just by our Airbnb in Lisbon is my idea of heaven. Closer to home, a recent lunch at Brae proved that one of Australia’s best restaurants is getting better and better with each passing year.”
Anthony Huckstep: “In NSW Alberto’s, Ester and Momofuku really lit a fire inside me this year. They’re not restaurants for everyone, but they all manage to capture a real umami oomph on the plate and service that’s got all the swagger of a sophisticated saloon.”
Samantha Jones: “I have had great meals at Alberto’s Lounge and Firedoor in NSW. In Victoria, I got to Carlton Wine Room and loved it. I think for me it’s been about delicious food without complication, and a dining room with a great vibe.”
THE WORST
Dan Stock: “Thankfully, full-blown disasters are fairly uncommon, much as everyone loves to read a train wreck review. But being served taramasalata that had split so it looked like someone had sneezed over a plate of dog sick was definitely the worst thing I was served this year. Still makes me gag thinking of it.”
Anthony Huckstep: “I got food poisoning from one restaurant while reviewing it — and no they haven’t made the list not just because they made me ride a porcelain boat for a few days. Everything was off about the offering. And sadly a restaurant with a long history and many accolades made the list of least favourite, too. They’ve been a huge influence on Sydney dining and I’ve enjoyed a meal at this restaurant many times, but that was many moons ago. Sadly, Sydney has moved forward and the experience I had was beyond a joke — chipped glassware, dirty cutlery, forgotten dishes, poorly cooked food and it was $350 for two.”
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Samantha Jones: “I went for one meal in a restaurant that was so lacking in atmosphere I thought I might fall asleep. There was no music playing, stark lighting and stiff service. It was even more disappointing because the food was mostly very good.”