Advice from Mem Fox on helping children cope with death
Acclaimed Australian author Mem Fox is tackling the topic of death with her new book, teaching children how to cope with the life-altering event.
Lifestyle
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There was a time when celebrated children’s author Mem Fox worried about how her adored grandson would cope with her inevitable death.
Such is the bond the
pair share, the woman regarded as the grandmother of Australian kids’ literature felt devastated at the prospect of leaving a hole in the child’s life.
But thanks to the symbolism of a lost loved one living on in a tiny star in the sky, along with her thoughtful words that have spoken
to Aussie kids for 36 years, Fox has faith her grandson will be OK.
“We are extremely close in a way that I was not close with my own grandparents,” says Fox, 73, who was born in Melbourne, spent her childhood in what is now Zimbabwe and has called Adelaide home for several decades.
“I had not realised the possible depth of a bond between a grandparent and a grandchild. It really hit me … when he was about three and I thought, ‘Oh my God, we love each other so much, what is going to happen when I die?’.
“I wondered how it would be explained, not only to him, but to every other child who loses an adult of any kind — God forbid a parent, but in most cases, it’s a grandparent or it’s a beloved neighbour.”
Fox channels those feelings in her new book The Tiny Star, a life-cycle story illustrated by award-winning artist Freya Blackwood that she hopes will help families celebrate their shared lives and reflect in a positive way when a loved one dies.
“It is a life-cycle message and I know that every grown-up that reads it has kind of choked up over it,” Fox says.
“But actually it is also just a story … about a little star who falls to the earth and turns into a baby and grows up and dies.”
And after a tick of approval from her grandson, she’s confident it delivers the right message.
“He’ll be fine,” she says with a hearty laugh. “He thought the book was very sad and didn’t want to finish reading it. And then I said, ‘Hang on, hang on, it’s got a happy ending’. And when he finished it, he looked up with that way that kids have of complimenting older people and he said, ‘Good book, Nanou, good book’. That was praise from on high.”
Fox, author of around 45 books including classics Possum Magic and Where is the Green Sheep?, says The Tiny Star is aimed at ages three to 93.
“I have written a book for two audiences here,” she says, although she jokes, “Sometimes I wonder whether I’ve written
a funeral oration instead of a picture book.”
Fox is delighted that children have already embraced concepts in the book that might weigh down adults.
“I did read it to a class of children at my grandson’s school … and they were very thoughtful about it,” she says.
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“One child said, ‘I love the way this book goes from sadness to gladness’. And I thought that was really perceptive and that’s what I hope that kids will take out of the book.
“And the situation that they’re in, if anybody in their family dies, is helped by going out and looking at the stars at night and saying, ‘That one is my grandpa’.
“Kids are … much more able to cope with things that we think they can’t cope with.”
Fox credits naturalist David Attenborough with helping kids deal with death.
“It is a hard life out there in the wild, and David Attenborough, through his nature programs, has really made kids understand that life is followed by death,” she says.
“And you know, some adults don’t even want to admit that. There’s a time for dying and we’re all going to do it, and if we deny it, it’s not psychologically good.”
Fox believes it’s important to discuss death with kids — when they raise it.
“There’s a point where kids go through … I think it’s between about four and seven, where they discuss death all the time and worry about it, their own death and the death of their parents.
“One of the reasons I wrote the book is because little kids can’t bear it when their parents cry. They cannot stand it because that strong person is suddenly weak and to see a parent cry is really horrifying for a child.
“So obviously parents are going to cry when their parents die, and it’s a way of saying, ‘Sweetie, Mummy’s crying because she’s really upset because Nanna’s died. But, you know, tonight I know that Nanna will be a star in the sky and you and I will go out and we will look at that star and it will give me a lot of comfort’.”
Fox says her grandson was “brilliant” in comforting her when her own sister died.
“I got the phone call and I was devastated and started to cry and he was just lovely,” she says.
“A flamingo had died at our zoo, the last flamingo ever at Adelaide Zoo. Its name was Chile. My sister was called Lailu.
“He said, ‘Nanou, you know what will happen? Chile and Lailu will meet in heaven, and they will chat, and they will find out that they both know a boy in Adelaide. And it will make them so happy.’
THE TINY STAR (PUFFIN, RRP $25) IS OUT NOW