A dating coach's guide to spring cleaning your DMs

There's no time like the present

Flirting without follow-through – “carouselling” or pen pals – is one of the most frustrating parts of modern dating, and your DMs are probably full of it.

It starts with nonstop messaging on a dating app, then movies to an addictive trail of “likes” on your Instagram stories, and then, worst of all, you’re getting uncontrollably excited every time their name appears on your Apple Watch.

But why is this worse? Because all that flirty banter and buildup inevitably leads nowhere! Crickets when it’s time to make plans. They never ask you out, and your obvious hints – like sharing a post from your favourite bar, which is the digital equivalent of screaming “ASK ME OUT ALREADY” – fall flat. It’s a constant digital tease with zero real-world payoff.

Welcome to the carousel, where you’re stuck in emotional limbo, waiting for someone to do something. Let’s be real: it’s exhausting. It messes with your head, cranks up your anxiety, and, most importantly, wastes your time. That’s why now is the perfect time to take control of your dating inbox and give it a serious spring clean.

Why being a pen pal is the literal worst

Unfortunately, there’s no rational explanation for this behaviour. Maybe your pen pal is afraid of rejection, or perhaps they’re bored. Whatever the reason, it’s a foolproof recipe for your emotional burnout.

You’re devoting time, energy, and emotional bandwidth to pointless conversations, overanalysing each reply and polling all your friends on your next move. Meanwhile, they’re probably flirting with someone else. Even if that feels impossible because you’re messaging so much (trust me, I’ve been there too.) 

Carouselling doesn’t just waste your time; it messes with your mental health. When you’re sitting back, waiting for someone else to take the reigns, you’re feeding a low-key anxiety that eats away at your confidence. So, this spring, it’s time to clear out those dead-end conversations and reclaim your headspace! 

Carouselling doesn’t just waste your time; it messes with your mental health. Image: Pexels

Call out the crime

If someone has been flirting with you for weeks and shows no sign of it turning into plans or having any forward momentum, it’s time to cut the crap. No games, no passive-aggressive signals. Just direct and clear communication. Say something like: “Should we finally get that drink?”

If they clap back with vague, non-committal BS like, “Yeah, maybe sometime” or “I’m super busy right now,” congratulations, or commiserations, you have your answer. It's time to inform your friends of their official passing (i.e., when their message was “seen”) and move on.

Being upfront forces people to either step up or step off. If they’re serious, they’ll make a move. If not? Good riddance. Stop tolerating half-hearted efforts. Flirting for fun is fine, but if it’s leaving you questioning your sanity, that’s clutter you don’t need.

Flirting for fun is fine, but if it’s leaving you questioning your sanity, that’s clutter you don’t need. Image: iStock

Purge your pen pals

Take a hard look at your match queue, inbox, Instagram DMs, or wherever these conversations live. Do any of them feel like they’re actually leading anywhere? If not, it’s time to hit “unmatch,” “unfollow,” or “mute.”

Being someone’s pen pal isn’t just annoying; it’s a low-key form of emotional stress. The quicker you cut them off, the sooner you can free up energy for people who actually want to follow through. And when you finally silence those dead-end flirtations, you’ll be surprised at how much lighter you feel.

Reclaim your headspace

Want to make sure you start 2025 off right? Yes, we’re already counting down (terrifying, I know.) However, the best approach to being pen-pal-free in 2025 is to end 2024 well. Set boundaries, expect better, and stop tolerating people who waste your time. 

Take stock of who’s in your DMs. Are they adding value to your life or just taking up space? If the answer is taking up digital space, it’s time to move on. Focus on making new matches that add value and face-to-face time to your life.

Originally published as A dating coach's guide to spring cleaning your DMs