7 things that drive me crazy in hotels

From theft-proof coat-hangers and faulty keycards through to dodgy coffee and putting a bathtub in the bedroom, there are some things hoteliers do that drive me spare.

Hotel keycards are convenient, but only when they work. Even at the finest hotels this revolutionary technology has failed me frequently.

I love a good hotel stay as much as anyone, but there are some things hoteliers do that drive me spare. No doubt most travellers have their pet hates, but there is, surely, universal agreement that hotels that hog all the bedside power-points for their own purposes, leaving nowhere for guests to charge devices, should have their licences revoked.

We can probably also agree that theft-proof coat-hangers are as offensive as they are infuriating, and that supplying guests with sachets of dusty, bitter coffee should be against the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

I realised I was borderline fanatical about hotel habits during a stay with fellow travel writers at a flash new Queensland property last year. Comparing notes over breakfast, I mentioned how nice it was to find the shower toiletries arranged in the right order. A colleague, actually one of my editors, looked at me stunned and demanded to know what the “right” order is.

We can probably agree that theft-proof coat-hangers are as offensive as they are infuriating.

“Well, obviously, shampoo first, then conditioner, then body wash. Anything else goes against the natural order of showering.”

One or two others in the group backed me up on this, but my editor stared at me like I was touched in the head.

At the risk of further public ridicule, here are seven more things about hotels that do my (touched) head in.

1. Properties that declare their deep and abiding commitment to the environment with laminated signs asking guests to reuse their towels. As if this simple act might somehow cancel out the environmental damage from every other aspect of their operations. By now I think we’re all across the concept of hanging towels if we intend to reuse them without the need for condescending notes.

When two bottles of water are tagged “With our compliments” but any subsequent bottles charged at rates that would make a convenience store blush.

2. Bathroom lighting’s one of those critical elements of room design where style can often triumph over substance. Seasoned hotel stayers know that strip lighting placed either side of the mirror is the most flattering and useful. Yet interior designers insist on doing all sorts of demented things, like installing overhead spotlights that would make even Margot Robbie look frightful. Room lighting generally is a constant battle between good and evil. From complicated control panels to arrangements so basic they lack even a light to read by, it’s enough to put anyone in a dark mood.

3. Arriving to find one or two bottles of water tagged “With our compliments” but any subsequent bottles charged at rates that would make a convenience store blush. The fact that plastic bottles are still a thing is especially galling in Australian hotels where the tap water’s almost always decent to drink. With the obvious exception of Adelaide.

4. Staying with drinks, how is it that some hotels still think it’s okay to charge for proper coffee – in 2023? A latte or long black is no longer a luxury, it’s a way of life. At least in our part of the world. But in January, at a trendy Wellington hotel, I ordered a flat white with breakfast – like a normal person would – and was told it would cost $5 extra. The first morning of my stay I grudgingly paid and got what must be one of the worst coffees in New Zealand’s caffeine-obsessed capital. So the next morning I skipped the hotel and went to Swimsuit Coffee instead for a cheese scone and a flat white to rival the best I’ve tasted. Silver linings.

The first time I saw a bathtub in the middle of a bedroom, I stood there speechless.

5. Keycards. So convenient, but only when they work. Even at the finest hotels this revolutionary technology has failed me frequently, usually when I’m lodged in the furthest room from reception. I can’t imagine there were ever this many issues with analogue keys.

6. Pillows, cushions and bolsters are synonymous with guest comfort, but there’s nothing less comforting than finding your hotel bed is already occupied by a sea of soft furnishings. Modern hoteliers have decided the marks of true luxury are beds swamped with colour-matched rows of cushions and bolsters, and an exhaustive pillow menu. The most extreme I’ve come across was at Zurich’s Hotel Baur au Lac, which offered horsehair-filled head supports, others stuffed with shavings of Swiss stone-pine or heated cherry stones, and even a spelt pillow packed with grain husks that “adapt perfectly to every sleeping position”.

7. The first time I saw a bathtub in the middle of a bedroom (at Dean Street Townhouse in London’s Soho), I stood there speechless, wondering what possessed them to break the house rules like that. It’s called a bathroom because the bath goes in there. The bedroom is for the bed. I can’t be any clearer than this.

Originally published as 7 things that drive me crazy in hotels