Wacky wasters: Tosser, rat, goose among weirdest southeast crims
Explaining a crime isn’t easy, but sometimes crooks just tell it like it is. Here are six of the strangest confessions you will hear.
South East
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Crooks caught committing crimes sometimes give unusual reasons for doing what they did. There has been a “tosser”, a “rat”, and a “goose”, one was “useless” while another was a self-confessed “idiot”. And one joint junkie asked to light up a doobie — in the police interview room. Here are a few of our wackiest offenders.
DRUNK, STONED ‘TOSSER’S’ STOLEN CAR CHASES
He was so drunk he didn’t know why he nicked a car and led cops on wild police chases in stolen rides through the ‘burbs.
But he did know he was a “tosser” who “did some stupid sh**”.
Brayden Ware, who also goes by the name Marcus Thomas, was so stoned and intoxicated he couldn’t recall the first pursuit which began after he nicked a car while walking to buy more booze.
The 23-year-old father wasn’t in a much better state during a second chase, that time driving drunk along the Monash Freeway at double the 100km/h speed limit.
His defence lawyer said the tradie father of one had some serious alcohol addiction issues which began when he started drinking at the age of 13.
He said the “wheels fell off” when Ware’s relationship broke down and he relapsed back into “chronic” drinking.
He was remanded in custody and will be sentenced next month.
CRYING CRIM A ‘RAT’
Ayden Watts might have felt tough when he was out stealing and attacking people, but he sure softened up when confronted with the stark reality of the legal system.
The Cranbourne 19-year-old bawled during an online court link, blubbering and sobbing as he was told he would finally be free.
The court heard he would nick wallets and bank cards from cars to get drug cash and steal grog from bottle shops to feed his ice, Xanax and hard liquor habits.
He told police when shown his crimes that had been captured on CCTV that he thought he “looked like a rat” and was “disgusting”.
Some online commentators agreed, saying he did resemble a rodent and as someone who would threaten to “drop” his former partner and throw a knife in her general vicinity, he deserved the mean moniker.
He was let out on time served after spending two months behind bars, an experience he didn’t seem to relish.
‘GOOSE’ POINTED LASER AT COP CHOPPER
This anti-authority crook didn’t label himself as bird-brained, but agreed with a magistrate when he was told he had acted like a “goose”.
Bernard Pippin wasn’t happy when a police Air Wing chopper flew over his Pakenham house so decided to shine a laser light at it.
The pilot was peeved and rang his police pals, who flocked to Pippin’s home to see what had ruffled his feathers.
When they got there they were disturbed to find the 43-year-old father in possession of the laser and two imitation firearms.
They tried to arrest him but he was having none of it, resisted and attempted to steal an officer’s gun.
That didn’t end well and he ended spending more than two months in the court coop on remand.
The magistrate said not only had Pippin been a “garden variety goose”, he had let his 16-year-old son down.
“You’ve got to have rocks in your head, be an absolute moron to do that,” he said.
He said his boy shouldn’t have to bear the consequences of not having a father around, and let him out after serving 73 days behind bars.
INSIDE OUTSIDE ‘IDIOT’
For a jailbird who had spent long periods behind bars, illegally ringing a former partner from INSIDE prison sure wasn’t his smartest move.
James Lyfield must have known he would be easily tracked down after calling his ex 17 times while on remand for attacking and abusing her.
His actions simply “beggared belief”, a magistrate said.
And the Frankston North 48-year-old agreed, calling himself an “idiot”.
He also attended her home and crept up on her as she slept in a tent in her rear yard.
As well, he was pinged for thefts, deceptions and assaults, and has a long rap sheet which also includes armed robberies.
His defence lawyer said his client was viciously bashed with baseball bats when he was a teen, and that led to years of serious drug abuse which caused his life of crime.
Lyfield was sentenced to six months behind bars.
‘USELESS’ ICER’S METHED-UP DRIVING
Her far-from-five-star drugged-up driving behaviour led to a five-year licence loss, and her own review of her on-road conduct rated a zero.
Although numbers may not be her strong point, hopefully she is good at reading public transport timetables.
Jamie Louise Dean said “I’m useless” when caught four times in 14 months iced-up in the driver’s seat of a car.
On a fifth occasion the 28-year-old from Hastings refused to take an evidentiary drug test, but was highly likely to be high again as she had already proved positive in a preliminary sample.
As well as the drug offences she was caught speeding three times.
Her defence lawyer said Dean became hooked after trying meth just twice, and was now in voluntary residential rehab.
The magistrate said it was very lucky no one was hurt by her driving, but it seemed the “penny had dropped eventually” and her self-admission to a clinic was a credit to her.
As well as being disqualified from driving for five years, Dean was also convicted and fined $3000.
DOPE’S DOPEY COP CHUFF QUESTION
A cannabis-cultivating carpenter who was happy to admit his hash habit had an unusual question for arresting police.
Nathaniel Sherard Stueven was caught growing ganga in a garage — even though he was barred by a court from attending the property where his Crib Point crop was.
Stoner Stueven then asked police after he was taken in if he could light up a joint during the interview.
The forgetful 50-year-old said: “I smoke lots, I would smoke right now (during the interview) if I was allowed to”.
His request was refused.
He said he couldn’t recall many details about the court order barring him from the Crib Point home because “I smoke too much weed to (be able to) remember”.
His defence lawyer said there was no evidence of dealing — no scales, no phones and no ‘tick list’.
He said Stueven was “an entrenched cannabis user” and for someone who was a long-term habitual smoker that amount of dope was “not so much”.
The magistrate said that insisting that amount of cannabis was for personal use was “problematic”.
Stueven will be sentenced next month.
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