Frankston mayor courageously recounts personal story and toll of domestic abuse
Married at age 25, Frankston mayor Sandra Mayer “thought I’d met the love of my life” — but she says her fairytale became a seven-year nightmare of domestic abuse. Then she found the courage to flee. Here’s her story.
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Painful memories surface as Frankston mayor Sandra Mayer recounts seven years of abuse at the hands of her husband.
In one instance, Cr Mayer said, she was shoved while she was holding her newborn baby.
Another disturbing recollection was being told there was “nothing police could do” because there was no evidence of physical injury after she reported being slapped across the face.
“This was in front of my two year old son,” she said.
If Cr Mayer had been told two decades ago that she would one day be the mayor of Frankston, she probably wouldn’t have believed it.
She took on a dishwashing job to support her two boys and help bring in some money because of her husband’s gambling habit.
The music lover and passionate songwriter was forced to drop out of university and throw away her dreams of becoming a music therapist, her study sessions substituted with shifts.
But her partner was not one she could lean on – he was someone she would try to get away from during seven years of abuse.
“I thought I’d met the love of my life,” Cr Mayer told the Leader.
“I moved in with him, and by the time I was 25 I was married with two kids.”
Between 1998 and 2005, she says she was subject to a hellish run of verbal, emotional and at times physical abuse.
Neighbours would ask if she was OK after they heard her being screamed at in her Frankston home.
“My husband put me down and threatened me. He would say if anything ever happened between us, that he would get the kids … or smash my piano.”
“There was pressure from my family to make things work. They’d say I was not easy, either, ‘stay for the kids’, ‘don’t make him angry’.”
Like many women in a violent relationship, she was made to feel responsible and too frightened to escape.
“I was forgetting to take care of myself, frequently skipping breakfast and drinking cold tea while getting the kids ready in the morning,” she said.
“I knew that it wasn’t what a marriage was supposed to be like, but when domestic abusers get wind that you’re going to leave, your life becomes at risk. They will try to find you.
“Then they tell you things will be better and that they will change … but they never do.”
After attempts at marriage counselling and relocation, when she hit her thirties, she finally found the courage to leave.
“I am so thankful I found that courage – for myself and my children,” she said.
“It wasn’t easy starting again. I sometimes visited the Salvos for food parcels and assistance paying bills.”
More than 2300 incidents of family violence in Frankston were reported to Victoria Police between 2017-18, the highest number of all metropolitan Melbourne.
There were three times more female victims than males.
Cr Mayer recently joined the Frankston Football Club in support of the In Her Shoes initiative
when the club placed 49 pairs of shoes across the oval in honour of the 49 Australian women who have died as a result of domestic violence this year.
“We teach our players to be positive role models, which includes calling out disrespect and standing up against violence of any kind,” Frankston Football Club CEO Adrian Lloyd said.
Cr Mayer said she has been able to “make peace” with her abusive past.
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“I still freeze up when I hear other people shouting, someone yelling at the television, or even when my boys (now 18 and 20) are playing a violent video game,” she said.
“I used to feel like there was nothing left of me … I was walking on eggshells. But I’m ready to tell my story now.”
She volunteers at women’s support groups across Frankston and has performed her music at Kingston’s Interfaith dinner to prevent family violence.
She urged anyone experiencing domestic violence to seek support.
“Experiencing domestic violence is like going through a war … you develop post traumatic stress disorder and forget to care for yourself,” she said.
“I would tell survivors of family violence you can rebuild your life again with the right support, learn to love yourself.
“You need to remember that actions speak louder than words. I have my teas hot now.”
There are free local services available to women and families at Peninsula Legal Centre, ZONTA and WAYSS.
For details, visit frankston.vic.gov.au
brittany.goldsmith@news.com.au