Melbourne mums: The top eight parents you’ll find in every playground
THEY’RE the mums you see at the playground every day: from those with six-packs and homebaked heroes, to the Kmart tragics and the Montessori diehards. We dish the dirt on the top eight parents you’ll bump into at any suburban park.
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STEP into any Melbourne playground and you’ll be faced with grotty kids vying for the swing, while parents hover nearby swiping through Facebook on their phones.
Gone are the days of the 1950s housewife cooped up in the spotless suburban three-bedder with a bouncing bob hairdo, roast pork in the oven and freshly baked cookies on the countertop.
Now for many it’s all about trying to be the perfect wife and mother while juggling a career and commute.
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It’s never been harder for mums, and social media makes most of us want other “picture-perfect” lives at times.
But we’re still putting on the dirty trackpants for the third day in a row because our baby is a stage-five clinger, or dealing with toddler tantrums because we didn’t cut their toast into triangles, and breaking up the weird sibling fights over who gets to put the muesli bar wrapper in the bin.
Whether it’s the sleep deprivation, non-stop chaos, or being confined to the house for much of the week, parenthood can bring out the best and worst in people.
Here we dish the dirt on the top eight parents you’ll see at any playground.
THE TEXTBOOK MUM
This mum — often a first-timer — comes armed with a Save Our Sleep book, and is quick to ask about your baby’s routine.
She’s constantly looking at the clock and strictly informs you they’ve gotta go in seven minutes for Xavier’s nap.
It’s all about structure for this mum and she’s researched and booked in age-appropriate Gymbaroo and swimming and Mini Maestros every day of the week. She even played Mozart to them while she was pregnant.
Her two-year-old has learnt piano already, is working on mastering the Rubix cube, and prefers chatting with adults than playing with toys.
This mum is also an expert in all the developmental milestones and is the first to tell you when her child isn’t meeting them — and when they are. Who knows, Xavier might just be the next child prodigy. She can only hope.
THE ACTIVE MUM
Julienne carrots are this mum’s speciality, not to mention the Tupperware containers full of steamed corn cobs, homemade hommus and sugar-free blueberry muffins.
She’ll rock up to the playpark with her $1000 bike trailer, complete with two smiling toddlers sporting perfect hair despite the windswept six kilometre bike ride from home.
Who knew you could look so good in Lululemon track pants and a pink hoodie?
All those excuses you’ve told yourself about how impossible it is to rid the mum tum are turned on their head, as she talks about how she “can’t believe she has a six pack again”.
When you get home, she’s already text you — Kayla Itsines’ workout program you can do while baby is napping, plus a specific health food App you can download.
Cause motherhood ain’t hard enough.
THE FREE-RANGE MUM
Her kids, all five of them, will most likely be running around scantily-clad in baggy dirty rainbow trousers and homemade beanies, screaming with joy and unable to be controlled.
They’re probably called Ocean or Rain or Wolfgang, and this mum’s an advocate for homeschooling and Montessori.
Her schoolkids will be the ones who give yours lice, because she doesn’t follow the school order to treat all the kids’ hair the same day (but then again, who does?)
They’re allowed to do what they want, when they want, because she’s all about promoting freedom and independence. And she knows what’s best for her children.
You’ll be lucky to catch her at an actual playground too — usually her kids are down at the pond or playing with open-learning toys.
Best not to ask if they’re vaccinated either.
THE COTTON-WOOL MUM
This mum doesn’t let her child watch any TV, and considers the word “fart” a swear word.
When her kids were babies, she wouldn’t let you talk about anything adult in their presence, including violence, alcohol or sex — in case it somehow seeped in. She believes in sheltering her children from the real world and only exposing them to happy things.
Now she follows her child around the playground, making sure they don’t climb on anything that might injure them. When they do fall, she quickly wraps them up in her arms and says “my poor baby”, as if he’s been conscripted to war.
THE WORKING MUM
If BlackBerrys were still around, she’d be carrying one — plus an extra-shot, extra large soy latte. She works full-time, but is keen to show the world she’s more than capable of doing it all.
Full respect for someone working and raising children, but you sometimes wonder why some even bother heading to the playground if their eyes barely leave their screens while they email clients.
With more and more pressure on mums these days, this woman can be her own worst critic, but she’s determined to provide for her children and show them mums don’t have to put their lives on hold for their kids.
THE SOCIAL MEDIA MUM
This mum has spent a small fortune upgrading to the iPhone X, purely for the camera’s megapixels and lightning fast internet speed.
She’s liked every single mummy forum on Facebook and is constantly commenting on posts asking for advice on sleep sacks, bedtime routines and the latest
When she does venture out, you can’t get a look in with her as she snaps away at a million different angles to get the perfect shot. Chuck on the Valencia or Mayfair filter and two minutes later, it’s on Instagram complete with the perfect caption: “Best day at the park. Motherhood is the best.”
This mum doesn’t stop to think if she’s putting her child’s privacy at threat or having fun, as long as it’s documented on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram for everyone else to see.
THE KMART MUM
This mum’s bank account has taken a battering since Kmart made a foray into homewares, and her house is like a designer catalogue for half the cost. She’s always palming off last season’s wares on buy, swap and sell sites while ducking to the shops almost every day (usually without her husband’s knowledge) to make sure she doesn’t miss out on the top items she never knew she needed: note the Kmart beach trolley, handheld steam cleaner and $49 carry-on suitcase.
She’s signed up for alerts on new items and spends days working on Kmart hacks, like the light-up shadow-box, fruit bowl pendant light and planter-box seat.
AND THE OVERENTHUSIASTIC DAD
Let’s not forget the dads. It must be hard coming into a female-dominated space as a dad, and so often it shows. Maybe they’re overcompensating or genuinely feeling awkward, but it’s almost funny seeing some dads try so hard with their children.
They’re always overly chatty, laugh extra loud, try so damn hard, and are unashamedly proud to show you a dozen photos of the other outings he’s spent with his kids. He doesn’t let his kid just “be” — he’s the helicopter dad making up for lost time.
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