Dogs taking over Melbourne, our pet hates about pooch lovers

SOMETIMES it feels like ‘furbabies’ are taking over Melbourne, going everywhere their owners go and being treated to ‘puppaccinos’ and Wagyu steaks. Here’s 10 things we hate about dog lovers.

IT’S STARTING to feel like dogs are in plague proportions in Melbourne.

As soon as you step outside your home you’re confronted by leash-wielding walkers with barking dogs straining to bite your leg off. At least that’s how it feels. The local park where you once enjoyed a picnic or a walk has likely been declared an ‘off-leash’ area, with dogs running rampant.

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Cafes and pubs are no longer a refuge, with pooches settling in next to their owner’s table, eating scraps straight from their plates. Farmers markets are overrun by canines, with their owners taking the multi-tasking opportunity to shop and take the doggie for walkies at the same time.

Here’s 10 things we hate about dog lovers:

This Maltese Terrier is named Baby, but, despite being pushed in a pram at the Palazzo Versace, it’s not an actual baby. Picture: Luke Marsden.

1. Dog lovers who treat their ‘furbaby’ like it’s a surrogate child.

Do you wake up five times a night every single night to feed your dog? Do you put it in nappies? Do you anticipate putting it through 13 years of school or one day teaching it to drive? Did you go through labour to have your furbaby? We sure hope not! Pretty sure we speak for all mothers when we say stop referring to your pooch as your baby. Try to remember it’s an animal, not a human. We’ve even heard of people who ask their parents to treat their pet dog the same as they would a grandchild. Yes, the term ‘grand-furbaby’ now exists. It’s fair enough to consider your dog to be part of your family but don’t expect other people to think of it that way.

He’s a dog! Don’t humiliate him any more by trying to pretend he’s Michael Jackson.

2. People who dress up their pets

You may think that your puppy loves the outfit you specially ordered from overseas to make it look like a bride/ groom/ witch/ superhero/ gangster/ hot-dog/ cowboy. The rest of us think it’s utterly ridiculous. The poor mutt is probably feeling tortured and uncomfortable. It’s just not natural for your doggie to wear clothes.

Please don’t let your dog lick your face.

3. People who let their dogs lick them on the face or mouth

We don’t even need to explain why we don’t like this one. It’s completely gross. You may love intimate contact with your precious Princess, but no one wants to see it.

The Local on Como cafe in Parkdale hosts doggie birthday parties complete with pupaccinos and pupcakes.

4. Dog lovers who take their pooch absolutely everywhere

On the weekend it seems you can’t go anywhere without tripping over someone’s pet. Pubs, cafes, kids’ sporting events, markets and festivals seem to have been taken over by the barking brigade. Unless dogs are banned, they’ll be there eating scraps from their owner’s plates, pooing, jumping on kids, barking at other dogs and just generally being a pest and causing chaos. If you’re going somewhere crowded and busy just leave your dog at home.

Fuchsia, a rescued shar pei, enjoys a swim in the specialised dog pool at Aqua Paws in Sommerville. Picture: Eugene Hyland

5. Owners who spend a fortune pampering their pooches

There are homeless people with nothing to eat and yet some people feed their beloved pets Wagyu steak. The combo of Melbourne’s dog craze and coffee craze has also led to the creation of ‘puppaccinos’.

Some dog lovers treat their puppies better than they would a partner, taking them for regular grooming at fancy doggie salons, booking them into day spas or up-market pet hotels, throwing them birthday parties and buying them fancy gifts for Christmas. Fido has no idea what Christmas is and no idea it’s his birthday. It’s a waste of money.

Dressing your pets in expensive glittery collars and taking them for pet portraits is just tacky. Don’t do it.

Kira ready for a dip at Mentone Beach. Picture: Jason Edwards

6. Dog owners who just love the beach

We all know dogs and their owners love nothing more than a frolic at the beach. But barking, exuberant pups jumping on top of you while you’re sleeping in the sand or nipping at your ankles while you go for a paddle is incredibly annoying. There are dog beaches, please use them.

Owners should also be aware their pooches are scaring away native birds and in some cases preventing species from breeding. Studies have found that even dogs kept on leashes in natural areas are having an impact on birds and other fauna due to their presence, scent, digging and noise. On the Mornington Peninsula, Birdlife Australia’s monitoring discovered breeding success of the endangered Hooded Plover is much higher on beaches where dogs aren’t allowed.

Yes, your dog is pretty cute. But that doesn’t mean we want to see a million selfies on Facebook.

7. Pet lovers who flood social media with far too many pooch pictures.

Surely you have something else to talk about on Facebook than your pet. We don’t mind seeing cute photos of your beloved Bear or Buster occasionally, but please not all the time. We’d like to think you have more going on in your life than taking a million pet selfies.

Unfortunately not everyone cleans up after their doggie.

8. Dog owners who don’t clean up their dog’s doo

There is nothing worse than stepping in dog poo. It’s the stinkiest, most disgusting substance known to man. The worst fate of all is when you don’t realise you’ve stepped in it and walk it onto your carpet. Luckily, it does seem most owners clean up after their pooches these days and poo sightings are fairly rare. We can only hope karma catches up with any lazy owners who don’t pick up after their dog. May poo destroy your favourite shoes for all eternity.

I may look cute and innocent, but I kept my neighbours up all night.

9. Owners who can’t hear their dog barking

Is it selective hearing, or have they just been worn down by the incessant noise.

How can you not hear the barking all night when your pet is right outside your window, yet I’m 10 houses away and have hardly slept a wink? Sure, you love your dog and all the cuddles and walkies, but your neighbours don’t share the love. If your neighbours do complain about your dog’s barking, do something about it.

Dogs leave a carbon pawprint, partly due to the energy used to produce their food.

10. Pet owners who are blissfully unaware of their carbon ‘pawprint’

Sure, you believe you’re doing all the right things for the environment, separating your rubbish, cycling to work and using recycled loo paper and whatnot. But did you know owning a dog is leaving a ‘carbon pawprint’? According to 2009 book Time to Eat the Dog? The Real Guide to Sustainable Living, a medium sized dog has twice the carbon footprint of SUV driven 10,000 kilometres per year, based on the estimated energy impact of food production and waste generation.