Public toilets of Victoria: Website rates best dunnies in the state
An anonymous group has channelled the spirit of Seinfeld’s public toilet connoisseur George Costanza and launched Victoria’s first definitive guide to our best facilities. You won’t believe where number two is.
Inner South
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Let’s face it in an ideal world we’d probably prefer not to use a public toilet but unfortunately, when nature calls, communal street dunnies can be our best friends.
But what do you do if you badly need to go in a foreign neighbourhood and you have no idea where the nearest bog is?
Well an anonymous group (or movement) has channelled the spirit of Seinfeld’s public toilet connoisseur George Costanza and launched Victoria’s first definitive online guide on where to find the best public toilets.
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The group’s spokesman, who goes by the pseudonym Mr Borrie, said the idea behind publictoiletsofvictoria.com came about after a series of unfortunate experiences while travelling overseas.
“Public toilets are taken for granted,” Mr Borrie said.
“Until you’re in Italy running around like a headless chook trying to get change for the toilet turnstile or you’re in France and there’s a fella trying to sell you perfume while you do your thing.
“That’s never going to happen in Melbourne thanks to our website.”
As far as using Costanza as inspiration, Mr Borrie said “Georgie boy” was a legend of the public toilet scene but he may have a bit of trouble over here.
“I reckon George had higher standards than we do,” he said.
“The first time blowflies chase him out of a cubicle would’ve been enough to make George give up on Australian public toilets for good.”
The website is gaining momentum online, but Mr Borrie is remaining coy about his identity.
“Mrs Borrie has been extremely patient with the whole project, especially given the number of car trips that have doubled in duration thanks to the old ‘Just one more dunny visit’ line,” he said.
“The last thing she needs now is to be the partner of ‘that toilet guy’.”
Mr Borrie and his research team have travelled across Victoria visiting hundreds of unique locally designed and built loos in prominent locations such as St Kilda beach.
Each listing includes location, a brief history of the toilet and its surrounds, and what makes it special.
The diverse list ranges from grand brick structures to your rank-and-file streetside crapper and even the odd haunted dump.
The website also includes a statewide toilet map in case “the ghost of yesterday’s curry starts whispering earlier than predicted”.
The ever-evolving site is updated weekly and the group takes public submissions via Instagram.
It eventually hopes to expand Australia wide with a coffee-table book deal — good toilet reading? — and a Kombi van road trip.
In the meantime, Leader Community News has complied a wee list on the top drop spots across Melbourne, Mornington Peninsula, Macedon Ranges and Yarra Ranges, with expert commentary from Mr Borrie.
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St Kilda Esplanade, St Kilda
This gracious 19th-century toilets are perhaps the grandest on the list. In between Fitzroy St and the beach, these loos are perfectly located for ultra-emergencies. Mr Borrie says beware though — the block is located next to the bricked-up esplanade vaults, which are rumoured to be haunted.
Footscray Park, Footscray
This bluestone dunny overlooking the city and Flemington Racecourse was built in 1911 when the park was established. It still sports a sign with an obsolete phone number, to a mysterious public toilet “control room”.
“If we had to guess, we’d picture a large room with lots of pipes serviced by a creature resembling a many-armed Hindu god, but with plungers for arms, and one telephone fielding calls all day from people that just so happened to observe (but certainly did not cause) a blockage or malfunction,” Mr Borrie said.
Dixon’s Creek, Yarra Ranges
Yes, life is simpler in the Yarra Valley. Much like this loo, which proves that modern public toilet design can achieve that wonderful balance of style and simplicity.
It’s a welcome change from the featureless cold grey metallic look of most modern public dunnies, looking as they do like something out of War of the Worlds, with robotic doors and announcements thrown in for that extra bit of sinister.
Mr Borrie said he could tell the dunny’s was a good egg because local kids painted a mural and made a downball court nearby.
Kyneton, Macedon Ranges
The State Government is putting up $1.2 million dollars to spruce up the Kyneton courthouse — new interview rooms, a new registry counter, and “improved public amenities“. If only they had turned around! There’s already some absolutely top-notch public amenities right behind the courthouse. Will the redevelopment also be spaceship grey in colour and feature space-age italicised fonts?
North Melbourne Town Hall, North Melbourne
This 1909 cast-iron facility outside the North Melbourne Town Hall is one of Mr Borrie’s favourites. It’s seen two world wars, four Humphrey B. Bears, twenty-six Prime Ministers, and thirty-five test cricket captains. It’s still got its original floor-length porcelain urinals, and a stylish tiled floor. In style and substance it beats the pants off any of those awful automatic dunnies we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on today (and it doesn’t lock kids inside to be squirted by the cleaning robot).
Balnarring Beach, Mornington Peninsula
Anyone who calls Australia backward obviously hasn’t been to Balnarring Beach.
In the middle of a sandy unpaved car park is one of the architectural marvels of the 20th century: a circular dunny.
It is reminiscent of the Guggenheim Museum in New York City, only much improved in all aspects including price of admission, urinal-to-patron ratio, ventilation features, and the ability to wash sand off feet. Like the Guggenheim, its circular shape is integral to its function. Visitors can follow the curved walls around to experience all the dunny has to offer: urinals, stalls, sink, change rooms, showers.
Ron Barassi Senior Park, Docklands
The Ron Barassi Senior Park is one of those nifty things: sweeping views, playing fields, picnic and BBQ facilities, a playground with probably the best slippery-dip in all of inner Melbourne, and a little public loo built right on the pavilion. The park and pavilion are cast in the very literal 50 shades of grey Docklands aesthetic — perhaps this camouflage explains why nobody’s found this place.
Mount Macedon, Macedon Ranges
In the town of Mount Macedon, you can find this mid-century dunny with a strikingly nifty winged roof.
Mr Borrie: “We have no doubt that the winged roof, aside from facilitating excellent drainage and superb ventilation, is an obvious nod to the famous ancient Macedonian statue, the Winged Victory of Samothrace”
Port Melbourne Beach, Port Melbourne
Man the poop deck! It’s yet another ripping public toilet in a nautical setting. That’s right — it’s two-for-the-price-of-one at Port Melbourne. You have the men’s, looking like a little fort, and then 50 metres down the beach, you have the women’s, also looking like a little fort but a bit cooler as it has additional ramparts and fortifications. The added bonus here is both of these little loos are signed in English, Italian, and Greek.
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