Pregnancy diary: My family’s devastating loss while I was pregnant

In the next instalment of Imogen’s pregnancy diary she details a devastating loss within her family. WARNING: This may be distressing to some readers.

Isla Mae Bailey was born on the 23rd of June 2024.

Content warning: This article discusses stillbirth which may be distressing to some readers.

This is the fifth instalment of Imogen’s pregnancy diary, with a new chapter released every Sunday.

Part one: Why I was dumbstruck when I found out I was pregnant

Part two: The first doctor’s appointment, blood tests and dating scan

Part three: Photo reveals why pregnancy announcement didn’t go to plan

Part four: I had these dreams about my baby’s gender

With great love comes profound grief.

It’s a difficult reality my brother and sister-in-law have had to face, twice.

Amy and Ryan have always said they wanted to have two kids under two, but it’s been a tough road for them to achieve this dream.

Amy’s first pregnancy was lost to a missed miscarriage – a miscarriage where there’s no physical miscarriage or sign anything was wrong.

Telling us the news with tears in their eyes, they said she would have to have an abortion later that week.

With time passed and the healing process underway, Amy and Ryan soon welcomed their first baby girl, Ava, to the world.

Bright, bubbly, cheeky, curious and sometimes shy, Ava is our first niece on my side of the family.

After adjusting to their new role as Mum and Dad, Amy and Ryan set out to give Ava a sibling.

One evening, Michael and I went around to their house for dinner, suspecting that they had some happy news for us.

But as the dinner progressed, there was no announcement of a pregnancy so we just kept eating and chatting away, thinking in the back of our minds that we were wrong.

It wasn’t until Ryan slowly lifted Ava across the table that we noticed she was wearing a ‘Big Sister in 2024’ outfit. It was right in front of us the whole time!

Amy was pregnant again and we were thrilled for them – their plan was coming to fruition!

Their little baby girl was due in October – four months after Ava’s first birthday.

But in June, a few days after Ava’s birthday party, Amy and Ryan – and by extension, the family – experienced a devastating loss.

Amy had gotten sick after Ava’s party and had gone into hospital to see what was going on.

She thought she might’ve had food poisoning as she was vomiting a lot. She was given some anti-nausea medication and was sent home on Monday – with the baby OK.

On Wednesday, she thought she felt the baby moving less but put it down to the fact that she’d been busy and hadn’t had as much time to pay attention to the movements.

Then on Thursday, she was certain there’d been a drop in movements and went into hospital.

They were able to find the baby’s heartbeat and sent her home with a growth scan booked in the next day.

On Friday, Amy was told the baby didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. I can’t even write that sentence without getting emotional, so I can’t even fathom the shock and grief Amy must have felt in that moment.

Throughout that week, I was completely unaware that any of this had been going on, with only a text from Mum on Friday afternoon to say, “Hey sweetheart, are you all right with the change of plans?”.

Amy, Ryan and Ava with Isla Mae Bailey.

She was supposed to be staying at Amy and Ryan’s that weekend to go with them to buy a car seat for the new baby.

She thought Ryan had already called me to tell me what had happened but he hadn’t yet.

So I called her to ask what she meant and found out.

“Shit,” I said. “Shit,” I repeated, holding back tears.

Once I finished the call with Mum, I sobbed. I pulled myself together and rang Michael to let him know.

Then I rang Ryan.

Speaking to him was heartbreaking.

“It’s just not fair,” I said to him through tears. We cried and he told me they’d be home that afternoon.

Isla Mae Bailey's little hand.

When we went up to visit them later that afternoon, we hugged and cried some more. Once the tears ran dry, Amy told us what had happened in hospital.

She said the doctors had told her she had two options to deliver the baby.

She could either give birth vaginally or get a C-section. If she opted for a C-section – because of the position the baby was in – they’d have to make a vertical incision instead of a horizontal one, which would lead to more scar tissue.

That could complicate things for a future pregnancy if the placenta attached to the scar tissue.

So, she opted to give birth vaginally.

I remember thinking how strong Amy was, being able to tell us all this without being reduced to a sobbing mess, like I would be.

I admire her ability to be able to maintain composure in highly emotional and stressful situations – she’d done the same when my grandad was in palliative care before his death.

And so, Isla Mae Bailey was born on the 23rd of June 2024.

Ryan and Amy invited us to come and see her, to say hello and goodbye.

Amy, Ryan and Isla were in a dimly lit hospital room at the end of the hallway. A blazing orange moon was hanging in the sky and we knew that was Isla watching over us.

Isla was in a temperature-monitored bassinet and dressed in a beautiful pink knitted outfit, blanket and hat.

Doctors found Isla Mae Bailey no longer had a heartbeat during the pregnancy.

During our time in the hospital with them, I remember Ryan telling me not to stress and worry too much about what had happened – a protective brother trying to ensure that my baby was OK. Through all his grief, he still thought of us and our baby.

Isla was so precious. Her tiny face and features already had so much personality about them. Holding her felt surreal because she was right there, but she wasn’t.

I remember hesitating slightly before holding her, because holding her would mean facing the fact that her life was cut so cruelly short.

That’s the difference between an adult dying and a baby dying.

Unlike when an adult dies, you’re not grieving the person you knew, but rather the person the baby could’ve become.

All the things they would’ve achieved. All of the love you would’ve given them. All the memories you would’ve made together.

Amy and Ryan stayed in the hospital one more night and had more visits from family before saying their final goodbyes to Isla.

Ryan with Isla Mae Bailey.

In the months that followed, we all waited patiently for the results of Isla’s autopsy, hoping to find answers about why she was stillborn.

But the autopsy didn’t yield anything conclusive. There was some of Isla’s blood in Amy’s blood so ‘perhaps there’d been a haemorrhage’ was as close to an answer that we got.

In some ways that was a relief, as there was nothing that Amy or anyone could’ve done to prevent what happened from happening.

In other ways, it’s anxiety-inducing because there’s nothing concrete to point to and avoid in future.

But again, Amy and Ryan took time to grieve and heal – although this grief is one that will ebb and flow with us all for life – and soon became pregnant again.

Their baby girl is due in May 2025.

While this baby will no doubt bring Amy, Ryan and the wider family so much joy, there will always be an Isla-shaped hole in our hearts.

Isla had a deep impact on us all and she is remembered daily when Ava gives her urn kisses goodnight.