James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2021 episode 9
It’s the TV appearance this Aussie celeb hoped would disappear. But now it has resurfaced. James Weir recaps.
Reality
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What starts as a recap of Wednesday night’s SAS Australia spins out of control and morphs into an urgent dispatch from 2007 as one celebrity’s long-lost appearance on a terrifically hideous US dating show is unearthed.
The cancelled reality series hasn’t aged well. It’s lame at best and problematic at worst. And TV executives at all three of Australia’s major commercial networks better be scrambling into the night while trying to secure the rights to re-run it in prime time.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
It’s day 10 of the course and the celebrities are broken. Spirits are down. Emotions are high. Finally, like a ray of light cracking through the grey clouds of an endless storm, the camp is gifted some good news.
“This is my first sh*t in about four days,” Sam Burgess’ voice echoes out of the makeshift timber toilet stall.
It’s such a treat being able to witness this triumphant moment.
Speaking of embarrassing footage that will live on forever through the internet, Mark Philippoussis’ past comes back to haunt him.
“Yo, Mark,” Olympic sprinter John Steffensen calls out to the tennis pro. “I never asked you this question – were you on any dating show? I swear (I remember) some girls were chasing you.”
Mark sighs. He’s been running and running but his past has finally caught up with him. “Yeah. I had a call from my agent about this dating show,” he explains. “And I’m like, ‘F*ck, I’m not doing a dating show, I’m not interested’. I hung up the phone and the boys are like, ‘Do it! Do it! You gotta do it!’ Anyway, he calls back, I go, ‘Listen. If I end up doing this, I don’t have to say, I love you, or anything?’ I get a call the next day, ‘We want you to do the show.”
The tennis champ doesn’t name the show or go into the details. He keeps it vague and skims over the answer before changing the subject. Clearly he’d rather forget. It was a blip in his past and that’s where he wants to leave it.
We totally respect his feelings. But that doesn’t mean we have to forget it. Thankfully, the program can still be found on the internet. Let’s pick apart the embarrassing details!
According to the internet, Mark starred on the US dating show Age Of Love in 2007. It lasted one season before it was cancelled. That says everything we need to know.
I can’t decide if this is brand new information for me or if I’ve always known about Mark’s dating show past. I feel like I have hazy memories of reading about it in the pages of an NW magazine while lazing around a suburban pool.
While no episodes of Mark’s foray into the world of reality TV can be found online, there is a grainy trailer on YouTube.
“A social experiment that will have all of America talking,” the deep voiceover booms as footage plays of a helicopter whizzing across the Los Angeles skyline.
We land on top of a skyscraper and find Mark — or, as the voiceover guy calls him, “This 30-year-old.”
“This 30-year-old will date women in their 20s AND women in their 40s to figure out the age old question: Does age matter?”
Ugh. It was such a simpler time. Now I’m nostalgic. I miss the old days where we could age-shame strangers in the media.
Without a word of a lie, this next detail about Age Of Love is truthful and not exaggerated at all: The two different age groups were dubbed “kittens” and “cougars”.
Look. I’ll say it. This show is disgusting and embarrassing and downright offensive. BRING IT BACK.
Spoiler: At the end of the series, Mark chose one of the kittens. Amanda Salinas. And, while they dated for five months, it’s shocking to hear the romance didn’t last. Then Amanda let rip about him in the Herald Sun.
“He was supposed to be training but he didn’t train a day that I knew him. He seemed aloof. I just called and left a message saying … please don’t contact me anymore,” she said.
Typical kitten behaviour. Meow. Obviously Mark should’ve went with one of the elderly ladies.
Back in the SAS camp, Mark’s brought in for interrogation and admits to suffering from perfectionism. I mean, obviously. Only a perfectionist would choose to be involved with a masterpiece like Age Of Love.
“The best way to stop over-thinking is to tell myself to just shut up and let go,” he reflects.
And so he does let go. Literally. Moments later, during a task where he has to control the cables attached to teammate Jana Pittman as she dangles off a cliff, he lets go of the ropes.
Jana then rapidly freefalls — smashing into the side of the mountain during the descent — before one of the soldiers steps in and yanks the brake cable just seconds before she smashes to the ground.
The near miss is yet another blip on Mark’s reality TV track record.
Bra Boy Koby’s been very quiet tonight and we miss him. We look around the campsite, hoping to hear more of his incisive political commentary, and find him sitting with Ironman Jett Kenny, who’s explaining the joys of Pokémon.
“What’s Pokémon, bro?” Koby squints.
Jett’s jaw drops. “You don’t know what Pokémon is?“
Koby gets defensive. “Why would I know what Pokémon is?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the largest franchise in the world.”
Koby still has questions. “ … And … Waddaya do with it?”
It’s around now Koby quits the competition. Partly because of his bad back. But mostly because he’s embarrassed he didn’t know what Pokémon was.
“F*ck this joint,” he mutters as he stomps out of the camp.
Former Home And Away actor Dan Ewing has been champing at the bit for the past 10 days to show off his acting chops. He finally gets the opportunity.
On a remote dirt trail in the middle of a gruelling challenge, his teammate Jessica Peris is physically and emotionally ruined. She can’t go on.
When the soldiers reject her request to quit the competition, she drops to the ground. This is when Dan swoops in and draws on all his skills as an actor. He digs deep in his toolbox of emotions and improvises the dialogue.
“Stand up! Look at me! Get up! Come ‘ere, come ‘ere,” he grips Jessica and pulls her to her feet. “Look at me. Look at me in the f*ckin’ eye! Look at me in the eye.” He clasps her face between his two calloused palms and rests his forehead on hers. Sweat drips from his brow as he delivers one final impassioned plea to his fellow soldier. “It’s enemy territory. We are not weak. You are not f*cking weak!”
Guys? No joke — I got chills. It’s honestly the best dramatic performance I’ve seen on Australian TV since Ailsa dropped dead on the floor of the Home And Away diner.
What happens next? Eh. The rest of this episode doesn’t matter. We’re too distracted thinking about #AgeOfLove2022.
Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Originally published as James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2021 episode 9
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