James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2021 episode 7

A grossly intimate confession has been aired on SAS Australia. Prepare for TMI. James Weir recaps.

SAS Australia is a TV show that really engages the senses — sight, sound and … smell.

It’s an immersive experience. When the celebrities are forced to run headfirst down a 90 metre cliff face, our hearts race with their hearts. When they’re dunked in a pit of ice, we shriek with them. And while most of us might never truly experience the intimate downsides that come with limited personal hygiene and intense physical activity, on Monday night, the curtain is pulled back and the mystery wafts out.

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In 2021, there’s a variety of ways in which to stay informed about the state of the world. For instance, I get my news exclusively from topical memes. But you can never be too educated, which is why I’m now also subscribing to the nation’s most prominent political commentator, Bra Boy Koby Abberton.

“The Australian f**kin’ government — it’s too much,” he growls to no one in particular. “(We’re) Just getting it from every angle — you can’t get ahead. The amount of taxes on everything we pay, yeah? Even now — they’re taxin’ ya on ya bets, bro! Like, what’s goin’ on there?”

It’s a searing editorial. When SAS Australia finishes, The Project should poach him as a regular panellist. Why didn’t 2GB tap him to replace Alan Jones instead of that Ben Fordham guy?

“(I) Don’t like the way they’re tryna make us live, ‘ere — it’s just gettin’ a bit much,” he huffs. “I’m terrible with authority. I don’t like police. I don’t like judges. I like to live my own life. If I wanna go for a beer and drive my motorbike to the beach with my son on my bike, I will do that.”

Too right! Drink driving laws, along with road rules in general, are a total scam. Just one more thing invented by the government to steal our money and our DNA. Oh, you think when you blow on that machine at the RBT that it’s not storing your genetic cells for the purposes of tracking and cloning? Well, clearly you haven’t been keeping up with the news memes.

“I live in Indonesia because there’s no fines. There’s no authority,” Koby continues, and we’d love to see him say this to Schapelle Corby.

“Ya know, our current prime minister called Australians binge drinkers because we drink five to six beers a night. I’m like, mate, have you ever been in a pub? I drink about 40 beers a night!”

Yeah, getcha facts straight, ScoMo.

I could listen to Koby talk all day.

It’s just so refreshing to hear someone finally speak the truth. And Koby offers up more of it when he’s interrogated by the soldiers about the 2003 incident involving his brother, who was charged but found not guilty of the murder of standover man Tony Hines.

“This man, Tony Hines — who’s one of the Bra Boys — he believed my brother had done something to his girlfriend,” he explains.

“He thought my brother was with his girl. And, as it happened, they got into an altercation in the car. And Tony was shot. What ended up happening is they went and threw the body over the cliff and drove back to my house … And my brother comes in the house covered in blood. For my brother to come home with blood on him … was just a regular occurrence.

“I woke up the next morning, didn’t see him the next day. I had nothing to do with the situation. So the police come in and ask me about the blood on him. I didn’t know anything about the situation to give them the answers they wanted. They said I knew more, I said I didn’t. And I didn’t. So I got charged for perverting the course of justice in a serious offence, which is murder.”

Well then. That’s intense. But at least he now gets to live a quiet life, drinking beer and riding his motorbike in Bali.

The soldiers decide they need to switch gears and look for something to pep up their spirits. They go and attack former Home And Away star Dan Ewing while he’s meditating and bring him into the interrogation cell for the sole purpose of mocking him.

“He’s trying too hard to impress us,” one soldier spits.

“He thinks his spiritual energy is gonna get him through … He’s just a space cadet,” the other chuckles.

When Dan is thrown into the concrete cell and chained to the chair, the soldiers keep it super respectful and polite.

“What’s the name of your spaceship?” one asks.

Their main issue with Dan seems to be that he lives his life based on holistic advice he has read on Goop. He promptly proves them correct.

“I believe we are all energy — and we’re all connected,” he says with the kind of smooth, knowing voice you’d usually hear on smug wellness podcasts. “So … this desk, the food we eat. I just believe that everything is energy.”

The soldiers keep poking fun at Dan until he tells them about an aggressive altercation he instigated with his young son’s new stepdad. The anecdote immediately snuffs out the soldiers’ fun and now they feel really bad for saying Dan lives in a spaceship.

You can go back to meditating now.

Things have suddenly taken a dark turn again. Remember when this show used to be a lighthearted, feel-good program about celebrities being waterboarded and pushed out of helicopters? Let’s get back to basics, people.

We wander around the campsite, but it’s the end of the night and we’re forced to watch all the naked celebrities squatting over buckets as they rinse their … areas.

“I have to do the same thing, man — wash my ass and my balls,” Olympic sprinter John Steffensen sighs as fellow sporting icon Jana Pittman hovers over a tin pale in the neighbouring stall. “Running around all day up a mountain with … stank ass.”

Guys, c’mon. This is just TMI. We want less bathroom humour and more of Koby’s searing hot political analysis.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

I didn’t know who John was before this show but now it will be burnt into my mind forever.

Originally published as James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2021 episode 7