Page 13: Midwinter Ball speeches leaked

IT’S the night our pollies let down their hair in (supposedly) anonymous circumstances, but the gossip always leaks. Page 13 has both leaders’ speeches — judge these “zingers” for yourself.

LEAKS from our pollies have turned into a torrent and Page 13 is drowning in goss from the Midwinter Ball.

Those who go supposedly abide by Chatham House rules, which means the journos don’t report on what people say.

But we didn’t go and some who did are leaking like it was a couple of weeks ago and Malcolm Turnbull was departing Parliament.

MORE PAGE 13

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten with his wife, Chloe Shorten. Picture: Gary Ramage

Bill Shorten, who is counting until he gets the top job, said he’d been Opposition leader for five years and “preferred PM for 13 days, 22 hours an 18 minutes.”

Bill’s zingers didn’t stop there: “In my job, you have to face the music and roll with the punches” and Malcolm has ended up “as stuffed as a stuffed animal full of stuffing.”

The mob laughed as Shorten finally showed the crowd he was able to take the mickey out of himself and his personal ratings.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, with his wife Jennifer, arrive at the mid-winter ball at Parliament House in Canberra. Picture: Gary Ramage

But then things fell flat. It was on with the Muppet Show with Prime Minister Scott Morrison proving Slo-Mo in the gags department except for how he had once suffered “a bit of a trouser incident.”

He wasn’t talking about Barnaby Joyce. Turned out to be arriving somewhere long ago with what he thought was his dry-cleaned suit, but without the trousers.

An adviser lent ScoMo his trousers, which “were so tight that the blood stopped circulating,” said ScoMo. “I thought I was gonna pass out. The thing was, the more faint I got the more hallucinogenic I got.”

There’s a lot of that in Canberra.

Then there was the phone call a couple of weeks ago to President Trump.

“I was speaking to The Donald, as Malcolm calls him,” related ScoMo. “He asked me a few things, ‘Do you like playing golf?’ And I said no, Mr President, I’m a rubbish golfer.”

President Trump thought that meant ScoMo was “a good golfer.”

But the most awks moment of the night went to Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young who piped up in ScoMo’s withering speech, chiming out “Bring back Malcolm.”

Page 13 is starting to think the gossipy revelations of our pollies are better left unreported.

BEST OF BILL

“I’ve been the opposition leader for five years and I’ve been preferred PM for 13 days, 22 hours and 18 minutes.”

“Ever since the fabulous Julie Bishop has departed to the back bench, Scott and I have been working on a secret project, to take trademark fashion diplomacy to the next level. So tonight ladies and gentlemen, I’m excited to give you a sneak peek at our new spring collection.

Julie Bishop is known for her fashion sense. Pictured here with model Elyse Knowles. Photo credit: FM/MEGA

Shorten sporting the classic fly in, fly out style. Picture: Keri Megelus

(Showing photos) This is our business range. Scott and I are modelling classic fly in, fly out, day trip to the region chino. Scott’s ensemble also includes a matching jacket. 100% Australian, 100% synthetic, authentic, for the politicians by the politicians, deep pockets, fully cutting machine washable, double reinforced in the back, but as you know it’s not all about work.”

“Now Scott calls his look the new generation. Fully recycled materials, to bring together the strong shirt front of the Abbot era with the pastel of the Turbull government/era.

But I have to say ladies don’t get too excited, this range is not available for women yet.”

“Now I said to Scott yesterday that the Mid Winter ball is one of the ordeals, like fire, the leaders go through. I said to him, ‘I’m always a bit nervous about this event’. Now I didn’t say this to him, but I’ll say to all of you, I thought Malcolm was very competitive last year. Actually I thought he was very competitive up until a couple of weeks ago.”

BEST OF SCOMO

“Well, friends, press gallery, colleagues, fellow muppets, it’s great to have you here as part of the show. It’s a very special occasion for me. It’s the first time I’ve been able to address you tonight without flogging the speech of the person before.”

“I was speaking to The Donald, as Malcolm calls him … He asked me a few things, ‘Do you like playing golf?’ And I said no, Mr President, I’m a rubbish golfer.”

On travelling: “I get up, take the plastic off the suit, and no pants. No pants whatsoever. Should I bring my jeans? This was a full televised session. My chief adviser who was there, he volunteered his pants. Now he’s a little smaller than me so I struggled into this thing. I went off to the first several sessions of this meeting and he went off to negotiate buying a suit when he had no idea what size I was. As I was sitting in this meeting, these pants were so tight that the blood stopped circulating. I thought I was gonna pass out. The thing was, the more faint I got the more hallucinogenic I got, the more clarity I seemed to be making in the meeting — at least to myself.”

Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young interjects: Bring back Malcolm

“This isn’t a phone. I’ll give you his number.”