Laneway Festival: Dos and Don’ts and how to see your best artists/friends without falling into a hole
Laneway Festival 2018: Dos and Don’ts and how to see your best artists/friends without falling into a hole. Father John Misty FTW
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I’m not the boss of you. You’re the boss of you.
Here are some helpful instructions that will ensure you kill it at Laneway Festival.
Like a boss.
E T I Q U E T T E
DO
Let others go before you at the toilet. It’s cool to be kind. A satisfying yellow beam of light will coarse through your body then a minute later a satisfying yellow beam of light will coarse through your body.
DON’T
Blame the bar staff if a beer costs the price of eggs benedict + smashed avocados + bacon + truffle-infused shiitake mushrooms.
DO
Wait for an artist your watching to hit their stride so you are “inside the music” and understanding their energy and the energy of the people around you.
DON’T
Heckle Slowdive and Moses Sumney for not having noxious, teeth-chattering Skrillex drops. Anyway, Moses Sumney’s Lonely World can totally take you where you need to be in its final spaz-drums minute.
DO
Say hello to Alex Cameron if you see him out in the crowd. A tip from his business associate and saxophone player Roy Molloy: “Biggest mistake people make when meeting Al Cam is to try an come in hard w the haha’s. Razzin’ on him and stuff. No one likes that. Be nice, state your name and use eye contact. Shake his hand like you would an extremely realistic android.”
DON’T
Throw shade at Miss Blanks for her Kirin J Callinan comments. His response via Instagram to the whole debacle was eloquent and galvanising. Like my god-loving best mate Glen Slimmon told me in Year 10: “Look towards the sun and let the shadows fall behind you.” This town might just be big enough, for all of us. Update: Moses Sumney has called Kirin J Callinan “the best artist of our generation.”
DO
Deftly manoeuvre to get a prime spot to watch the unstoppable funk phenomenon Anderson.Paak blow your shiny mind. Yes he will play Glowed Up. Sh!t he’ll even play drums half the show.
DON’T
Get angry at a giant in front of you during Pond. Frog-leap or simply move in front of them or politely request a shoulder-ride. They’ll be relieved someone is taller than them.
M U S I C T I P S
DO
Get up early, all you pretty things, to catch burgeoning acts like Shame (protean punk!), Baker Boy (woke’n’deadly hip hop), KLLO (gliding, pulsing trip-pop) and Cable Ties (patriarchy-smashing protean-punk). In the words of David Bowie: “Wake up you sleepyhead.”
DON’T
Talk sh!t all day and only end up seeing half of Father John Misty. Also, FYI: FJM doesn’t really *need* to be doing the School Camp Degustation Tour™ with Laneway Festival. Show Ol’ Snakehips you love him by swaying with your mates and reciting every lyric (not too loud) to Leaving LA and When You’re Smiling and Astride Me.
DO
Get around Billie Eilish when she covers Hotline Bling.
DON’T
Act like a cocky know-it-all after she plays Hotline Bling. That can only mean one thing.
DO
Take a chance on acts you’ve never heard before. Example: Seeing Jesswar rip through Savage will be quite a scene.
DON’T
Get caught singing the c-bomb heavy chorus to Savage while trying to use the microwave at work the day after Laneway as your manager hovers around asking you how the Big Day Out was.
F O O D
DO
Say “Royal Moyle” if you’re in Sydney or Melbourne or “Yay, gourmet, sashay away,” in the other cities.
DON’T
Say “Let’s grab some dimmies.”
N A V I G A T I O N
DO
Use the Laneway Fest App and, even better, make a game-plan for how you will see all the acts you are dying to see. Memorise the map and your crew/clique/gang will love you.
DON’T
Get lost in a hole. You know the one I’m talking about (waggles judgmental figure).
S O C I A L M E D I A
DO
Capture a few best bits with your besties and quickly upload them. You can always do that in bed at home, hugging a Powerade bottle.
DON’T
Film the entire Aldous Harding set then stand there for 10 minutes deliberating whether it’s a crystal ball or nail polish emoji. Warning: if you do then Aldous will look into your soul and turn you to stone, Medusa-style (know your Greek mythology, kids). Also, it’s a swishing star emoji.
F A S H I O N
DO
Wear dancing shoes that don’t make you wince.
DON’T
Wear Crocs (unless you’re a nurse-on-call). This tip is brought to you by 2007.
DO
Wear something outrageous, it’s a festival not a funeral, fools.
DON’T
Forget that sunscreen on your skin is forward fashion (ie. will prevent melanomas).
L A N G U A G E
DO
Use “cooked” or “chopped” in new and exciting ways. NB: Nobody over 30 can use “lit”. Sorry, rules are rules.
DON’T
Yell into your phone: “Where are you khaaaaarnts!???” and ruin someone’s holy moment during Loyle Carner. If you want to find your friends, stop looking for them. Then and only then they will appear.
I N D U L G E N C E
DO
Pace yourself. As Albert Camus once said: “Slow ‘n’ steady wins the race, fast and loose you’re off your face.”
DON’T
Depend on there being enough hydration in your cocktail / beer / the sweat you’re licking off your top lip. I’ve definitely never done the latter at Fabric Nightclub, London, October 24, 2005, 2-5am.
DO
Not show my editors this part of the article. The War on Drugs is real.
DON’T
Bring nangs. This isn’t Earthcore.
Come and say y’ello if you’re in Melbourne...
it’s a certain somebody’s 40th birthday on Feb 3:
Previously on Laneway Festival:
Review of Laneway Festival 2015: A Saint, the Dalai Lama and a festival that was a slice of heaven
Review of Laneway Festival 2016: Non-stop great from go to whoa. Shamir, Battles, Beach House, Flume, Methyl Ethel and more headline.
Review of Laneway Festival 2017: Joyous and Uncanny: What Will Kevin Parker do next? Tame Impala close Laneway Festival Fremantle.
Dates, m8s: Friday, 2nd February, Hart’s Mill, Adelaide (16+); Saturday, 3rd February, Footscray Community Arts Centra And The River’s Edge, Melbourne; Sunday, 4th February, Sydney College Of The Arts And Callan Park, Sydney; Saturday 10th February Brisbane Showgrounds, Brisbane (16+); Sunday 11th February, Esplanade Reserve And West End, Fremantle
Originally published as Laneway Festival: Dos and Don’ts and how to see your best artists/friends without falling into a hole
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