Star Wars For Dummies: The story up to The Rise Of Skywalker
Never seen a Star Wars movie? Read this and your friends will never know when you rock up to watch the final instlament in the 40-year space opera
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So you’ve managed to survive the last 40 years under a rock and avoiding Star Wars — but now your friends want you to join them and watch the final movie in the space saga this week.
It’s going to be uncomfortable enough being surrounded by people dressed up as Stormtroopers and Wookiees without having to admit you don’t know your Boba Fett from your butt. And that was before you heard Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker will feature a live Mark Hamill as a dead Luke Skywalker and a dead Carrie Fisher as a live Princess Leia. Obviously watching eight movies in the next four days is too much to ask.
Luckily we’re here to help, with the Dummies’ Guide To Star Wars.
It’s everything you need to know so you can laugh and cheer with your friends — and even make jokes about Jar Jar Binks.
SOME HANDY WORDS
JEDI: The goodies. Able to use The Force (see below) to do superhuman actions, read minds and fight with a really cool laser sword called the lightsaber.
THE SITH: The baddies. They like to wear dark robes and chuckle ominously. They also use lightsabers but, for reasons known only to franchise creator George Lucas, can only use red ones.
THE FORCE: A magical power that Jedi and Sith can tap into to, which allows them to do pretty much anything.
THE REPUBLIC: A democratic ruling council for the galaxy, until overthrown by the Sith.
THE EMPIRE: Ruled by the Sith, used to control the galaxy.
THE REBELS: A bunch of people with 1970s haircuts and costumes who defeated the Empire.
THE FIRST ORDER: Not what you’re going to get at the pub. It’s what The Empire calls itself now.
THE RESISTANCE: What the Rebels call themselves now, after they spent a few minutes with a thesaurus.
WHO’S WHO
Look, Star Wars has an enormous cast of characters, most of whom don’t affect the main plot. Here are the key players. Don’t worry about the rest. And if you find yourself with someone who says: “Did you prefer the original version of Sy Snootles or the remastered edition?” just laugh lightly and advise them to seek psychiatric help.
THE PREQUELS:
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Precocious kid who grows up to be a Jedi and then one of the great villains of all time.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Young Jedi who mentors Anakin, then later cuts Anakin’s arms and legs off and goes to hide out on a desert planet.
PADME AMIDALA: Anakin’s wife, mother of Luke and Leia and a criminal waste of a great actor.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Ruler of The Empire, a Sith Lord also known as Darth Sidious.
YODA: Leader of the Jedi, wise and powerful but apparently unable to spot that Palpatine and Sidious look identical.
JAR JAR BINKS: Infuriating lizard-creature with a speech impediment who was supposed to be cute but should have been lightsabred to death.
THE ORIGINALS:
LUKE SKYWALKER: Farmboy who becomes a Jedi and saviour of the galaxy. Later becomes a recluse and is now a Force Ghost.
LEIA ORGANA: His secret sister. Princess and leader of the Rebellion/Resistance.
HAN SOLO: Scruffy mercenary who shoots first and saves the day. Flies a ship called the Millennium Falcon.
CHEWBACCA: Solo’s violent but loveable hairy sidekick.
R2-D2: Small, dome-shaped, super-smart robot who nevertheless can’t speak English.
C-3PO: Artoo’s companion, translator and butt of jokes.
DARTH VADER: Secretly Anakin Skywalker and the father of Luke but, for almost three movies, the ultimate baddie.
ALSO APPEARING: OBI-WAN KENOBI (now an old guy called Ben), YODA (now a cranky puppet), PALPATINE (now mastered his evil laugh).
THE SEQUELS:
REY: Mysterious scavenger with amazing Force powers and a mysterious background.
POE DAMERON: The best pilot in The Resistance.
BB-8: Poe’s robot that adopts Rey and steals the show.
FINN: A renegade Stormtrooper who’s defected to The Resistance and is forced to become a hero.
KYLO REN: Real name is Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia, who has gone over to the Sith.
SUPREME LEADER SNOKE: The evil boss of the First Order.
ALSO APPEARING: PRINCESS LEIA (now leader of The Resistance), HAN SOLO (older, crankier but still funny), CHEWBACCA (hasn’t changed a bit), LUKE SKYWALKER (grumpy recluse haunted by failure), C-3PO & R2-D2 (still the same)
THE PLOT
THE PHANTOM MENACE
A rather dull plot sees a young Anakin Skywalker save a queen called Padme, defeat some computer-generated robots and become the apprentice of a Jedi knight called Obi-Wan Kenobi. Meanwhile a secret baddie, a Sith Lord called Darth Sidious (really!) is revealed to be manipulating events to allow him to practise his evil laughter. Sorry, to rule the galaxy.
The Phantom Menace is principally remembered for introducing the series’ most hated character, Jar Jar Binks. And also the idea that people who can use “The Force” can do so because they had tiny aliens called “Midichlorians” in their blood. It was an idea so stupid that it was never mentioned again. Ever.
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Anakin Skywalker has grown up and got the hots for the queen he saved back in Phantom Menace, although she’s now not a queen but a senator and is 10 years older than him. Naturally such a love is forbidden in Hollywood. Oh, and in the Jedi order. Nevertheless they get married. But Anakin’s mother gets killed and he begins to turn evil by slaughtering not just her captors but their families.
Meanwhile a Sith lord called Count Dooku is trying to start a galactic civil war. The Jedi try to stop him but hundreds are killed by more computer-generated robots. But Darth Sidious, pretending to be a politician called Chancellor Palpatine, has created an army of clones, based on a man called Jango Fett, to “save” the day. Nobody thinks this is remotely alarming or connects Palpatine with Sidious, who looks exactly the same, just with a hood on.
REVENGE OF THE SITH
The Jedi are “leading” the clones into battle across the galaxy as the civil war rages. Padme is pregnant and Anakin is being manipulated into turning into a Sith Lord. Palpatine reveals his true evil-ness and defeats the leader of the Jedi, a small green puppet called Yoda.
The clones turn on the Jedi and kill them and Anakin helps to kill the Jedi because he thinks Palpatine will save a dying Padme. He then fights with Obi-Wan, gets his arse kicked and his limbs chopped off (nice family viewing!) and is strapped into a glossy black suit of armour and told his name is now Darth Vader.
Padme dies but their children are split up and hidden away — Leia goes off to become a princess and Luke goes off to become a farmhand.
A NEW HOPE
Luke’s quiet life on the farm is turned upside down when he finds a message hidden in a couple of robots. They are searching for an “Obi-Wan Kenobi” to come and save Princess Leia. It seems Darth Vader has captured her and wants her to reveal the location of the Rebel base and why she’s wearing giant bread rolls on each side of her head.
He and Obi-Wan, who’s now calling himself Ben, team up with a pilot called Han Solo and his giant angry hairy companion, the Wookiee called Chewbacca, to rescue her from a giant space station called the Death Star. Obviously that name had never been workshopped through focus groups. Obi-Wan sacrifices himself to let the others escape from Vader.
None of them know they are related to each other, as evidenced by Luke pashing his sister Leia.
The Death Star prepares to blow up the entire planet that houses the Rebels but Luke, with some help from Han, takes down the Death Star in his space fighter called an X-Wing. Vader escapes and the Rebels rejoice.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Vader is pissed off that his big space station got blown up and is now hunting the Rebels. After finding them on the ice planet Hoth, most of them manage to escape. But Luke flies off to a planet called Dagobah to find the exiled puppet Yoda and learn how to be a proper Jedi.
Meanwhile Leia and Han are being hunted by Vader’s ships and decide to hide out at Bespin, run by Han’s old mate Lando, the only black dude in the Star Wars universe. They also indulge in a bit of unresolved sexual tension now her brother is off the scene. Meanwhile Luke is learning how to use The Force and act with a puppet. But Lando has done a deal with Vader and a bounty hunter called Boba Fett, who’s the son of Jango.
Luke detects this through The Force and heads there to save them, against the wishes of Yoda and Ben, who’s now a ghost but able to appear and offer useless advice. Han gets turned into a frozen statue and shipped back to the crime lord Jabba the Hutt but Lando betrays Vader and helps rescue the others. Luke arrives to fight his dad Vader, who chops his hand off and offers him a deal to rule the galaxy together as father and son. A horrified Luke manages to send a mind message to Leia, who rescues him and they escape from Vader.
RETURN OF THE JEDI
Leia tries to rescue Han from Jabba the Hutt but fails and is made to wear a bikini as punishment. Luke arrives and rescues them all, although Leia kills Jabba and Han kills Boba Fett. Meanwhile Emperor Palpatine is building a second, bigger Death Star to house his massive collection of black robes. And destroy the Rebels.
The Rebels decide to attack the Death Star but have to destroy its protective shield first. This is being generated on Endor, a planet populated by angry teddy bears called Ewoks, which are kind of like Wookiees, only smaller. But it’s all a trap of Palpatine’s. Yet, with the help of the Ewoks, Han and Leia destroy the shield.
Luke is taken to the Emperor by Vader and they try to convert him to evil. He and Vader fight and this time he wins and refuses to become evil. As Palpatine shoots lightning bolts out of his fingers into Luke, Vader turns good again and throws the Emperor into a bottomless pit. Workplace health and safety should never have allowed that in a throne room.
Luke drags a dying Vader off the Death Star II as the Rebels, led by a talking squid and Lando, destroy the Death Star II. Leia and Han get together now after Luke admits they are related, so their relationship could never work outside Tasmania.
Yoda, Ben and now Anakin are all Force ghosts and high-five Luke as peace reigns and the Ewoks dance like that strange uncle at the Christmas party who’s drunk too much.
THE FORCE AWAKENS
The Empire isn’t dead, it’s just called The First Order and still wants to rule the galaxy. Once again they are working on a secret weapon, this time called a Starkiller. Meanwhile everyone wants to find Luke Skywalker, who has disappeared.
Rebel pilot and agent Poe Dameron finds a USB with Luke’s location but is captured by Kylo Ren, the angry young grandson of Darth Vader. Poe hides the data in his droid BB-8, who runs off and is found by orphaned scavenger Rey.
Poe is freed by Finn, a renegade Stormtrooper and the two try to escape but are shot down. Rey meets up with Finn and the pair escape in an old hulk called the Millennium Falcon. In space they meet and team up with Han Solo and Chewbacca. All four are nearly killed by Kylo Ren and Rey is captured by him.
But Poe arrives with X-wings and defeats the First Order troops. The First Order uses the Starkiller to take out the galaxy’s government and Leia and the Resistance know they are next. Finn, Han and Chewie go in to take out the shield while Poe will lead an attack on the weapon (sound familiar at all...?) Meanwhile Rey is learning how to use The Force and escapes.
Kylo Ren, who is revealed to be Leia and Han’s son, kills his dad. He also defeats Finn in a lightsaber fight but gets his butt kicked by Rey. Poe blows up the Starkiller but pretty much everyone escapes bar some hapless Stormtroopers and Han, as he’s already dead. Rey goes off to find Luke Skywalker and learn how to be a Jedi.
THE LAST JEDI
Luke Skywalker has turned into a cranky old man but reluctantly trains the super-powered Rey. Meanwhile the First Order is chasing the Resistance across the galaxy. It’s kind of like a car chase, only far less exciting. There’s some boring subplots with Finn on a pointless mission and Poe trying to take control of the fight but they don’t amount to much.
The most interesting thing is, Rey and Kylo team up to take down Snoke, only for Kylo to take control of the First Order. Leia uses The Force to save herself at one point, for the first time in the series.
Luke turns himself into a Force ghost to distract the First Order army that has cornered the last of the Resistance and give them a chance to get away. Rey’s parentage is revealed to be ... nothing special.
So we still have the First Order trying to rule, the Resistance trying to resist but word of Luke’s sacrifice has spread and plenty of new people are prepared to join the Resistance, leaving an awful lot of ground to cover for the final film.
Originally published as Star Wars For Dummies: The story up to The Rise Of Skywalker