Your night in: Every movie on Melbourne TV tonight - rated or slated
Some of Hollywood’s most famous faces will feature on TV screens tonight. From Denzel Washington as a gunslinger to Angelina Jolie as the badass Lara Croft, here’s what you should be watching.
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UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN
**1/2
7.30PM 7MATE
Flimsy feelgood fantasy about an American divorcee who impulsively buys a rundown villa and must renovate the thing while her own life remains “under construction.” See it only for the spectacular scenery provided by the gorgeous geography of provincial Italy, and the ever-radiant beauty of Diane Lane (Unfaithful).
WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP
***
9.35PM 7MATE
Slam-dunkingly satisfying sports comedy about two basketball hustlers (Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes) teaming up for an alley-oop of a payday, despite crying foul about each other’s off-court lifestyle. Another three-pointer from Ron Shelton, the writer-director of Bull Durham and Tin Cup.
BLENDED
**
9.00PM 7FLIX
With only the sporadic exception - Uncut Gems, anyone? - the Adam Sandler movie equation can be locked in as the NRT factor cancelled out by the NRC effect. Sandler is Not Really Trying, and his fanbase his Not Really Caring. Blended isn’t quite capable of breaking this dire deadlock, but does have its moments (spaced well apart as they are). The only reason why is the presence of Sandler’s co-star from the halcyon days of The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore. She plays the divorced mother of two whose is hopelessly trapped on an African holiday with Sandler’s widowed father of three. Not quite the family-friendly offering the PG rating suggests, but more than bearable when it’s just the two leads going to verbal war.
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
**1/2
8.40PM CH. 9
Consider this a cover version of the famous 1960 box-office smash The Magnificent Seven. Which in turn was how Hollywood first hummed along to the original Japanese cut of Seven Samurai from 1954. While 2016’s rendition hits the right notes in all the right places, it is not a number performed with consistent gusto. Fans of the western genre will definitely recognise the tune, but may not it find very catchy. If they do, it will come down to the charismatic leader of the band here, the ever-dependable Denzel Washington. He plays Sam Chisholm, the noble bounty hunter who handpicks a team of trained killers, crack gunmen and freelance miscreants to help defend a town from the wrath of a vicious robber baron (Peter Sarsgaard). As you would expect, all dusty roads lead to one heck of a wham-blam-thank-you-ma’am closing shootout. A certain something is missing here, and it could have something to do with the questionable magnificence of some of the title characters. Co-stars Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke.
PADDINGTON
****1/2
6.30PM GO!
Devotees of all things Paddington are very protective of their pint-sized Peruvian idol. Recognising this, the filmmakers behind this magnificent movie adaptation of Paddington have indeed looked after the bear. For this is one of the finest family films of the modern age. The gently redoubtable spirit of Paddington himself remains fully intact. A lively origin-story adventure takes place largely in London, where Paddington (beautifully voiced by Ben Whishaw) revitalises life inside a tired suburban household while evading the clutches of an evil taxidermist (played by Nicole Kidman!). Both the vivid visuals and clever storytelling remain playfully inspired throughout. Co-stars Hugh Bonneville, Sally Hawkins, Peter Capaldi.
INCREDIBLE HULK
**1/2
8.20PM GO!
The movies have never quite cracked the code on Marvel Comics’ mean green fighting machine. At least tonight’s offering is not the one that leading man Eric Bana stuffed it up royally. This version - which shifts the story forward a year or so - sees actor Edward Norton take the reins, and he lifts the stocks of the franchise slightly. No classic, but a fair action movie when its CGI-rendered title character busts loose.
VAMPIRES SUCK
*
10.40PM GO!
And so does this terrible movie, a hopelessly unfunny spoof of the Twilight franchise. The Edward Cullen character is called Edward Sullen. That is actually the best joke in the picture. Bella Swan is called Becca Crane. Not sure that can even be classified as a joke. Becca’s dad reflects on how “my little girl is all grown up.” Then compliments her on the magnificent size of her breasts. The Jacob character wears a cheap black wig. In the absence of passable punchlines, a lot of gags end with punches to the head. It is all so very sad.
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
***
7.30PM WORLD MOVIES
For an action movie based on a video game, this has held up quite OK over the years. Angelina Jolie underscores Lara’s genuinely aggressive appetite for destruction with a sweet, reserved composure that grows on you throughout. For all its grandiose globe-trotting, Tomb Raider is actually at its best when it keeps the action confined to Lara’s home address, a stately English manor house kitted-out with enough hi-tech artillery to start World Wars 3 and 4. The standout scene features Lara taking on twenty-or-so masked intruders whilst in the throes of performing a rather spectacular bungee-rope ballet.
THE EDGE OF DARKNESS
**
9.30PM WORLD MOVIES
Mel Gibson fronts a wonky police thriller well beneath an actor of his standing. Not that there is much wrong with Gibson’s performance as a veteran cop investigating the murder of his politically active daughter. The problem here is the script, a hoary howler rife with maximum-revenge clichés and major-conspiracy convolutions. Too violent as well. Based on an old BBC mini-series from the 1980s, but more reminiscent of something Clint Eastwood might have done for spare change between Dirty Harrys. Co-stars Ray Winstone, Bojana Novakovic.