Mortdecai the latest lazy effort in Johnny Depp’s long losing streak

MORTDECAI is just the latest lazy effort in Johnny Depp’s long losing streak.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Johnny Depp in a scene from the movie Mortdecai. Roadshow Films

Mortdecai (M)

Director: David Koepp (Secret Window)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany.

Rating: *1/2

Getting quite Un-Depp-endable

Hey, Johnny Depp!

Your old movies just called. They want to have a quiet word with your newer movies.

They don’t sound too happy. Said something about being made to look really bad.

So round up everything since Public Enemies in 2009, plus the last two Pirates Of the Caribbeans. Tell ‘em to be in the car park in 10 minutes’ time. It could get ugly out there.

Losing streak ... not even Gwyneth Paltrow and Johnny Depp can save Mortdecai.

Yes, with Mortdecai, the long, lazy losing streak of the once-winning Johnny Depp continues.

It’s not so much that they made a comedy and forgot to include the jokes in Mortdecai. It’s just that there’s not enough jokes, and no nous evident about where these eight-or-so genuine gags should go.

The fact a ten-million-buck-a-movie drawcard like Depp is dipping out so prominently in the lead role simply takes the cake and drops it on the floor.

Depp plays Charlie Mortdecai, a posh, preening British wastrel with a love of waxed moustaches and dodgy fine-art deals.

Dodgy deals ... Johnny Depp and Jeff Goldblum in Mortdecai.

With the taxman on his back, MI5 on his case and his missus (Gwyneth Paltrow) on her way out the door, our not-so-amusing antihero sashays between continents looking for the easy way out.

This stumbling, bumbling farce could have used a few convenient exits of its own. What little good stuff there is gets completely used up in the first 30 minutes, making the wait until the closing credits seem like an eternity.

The biggest of many mistakes made by Mortdecai is its unyielding conviction that there may not be anything funnier in this world than Johnny Depp sporting old-timey facial hair.

Over and over again, this meekly mirthful mini-handlebar number is crowbarred into routines as if the mere mention of this mo’ will trigger infinite laughing fits.

Therefore aside from a hipster barber here and there, it is hard to imagine who this filmic folly is really aimed at.

A very acquired taste, even if you still believe in Depp’s diminishing powers to entertain.