Mega weekend free-to-air movie guide
There’s a movie for everyone on TV over Saturday and Sunday nights — perfect for a cold and wet weekend in lockdown. Let us help you pick the best movie to keep you and your family entertained.
Leigh Paatsch
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SATURDAY
INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE
**
7:30 PM SEVEN MATE
The same aliens who were defeated soundly 20 years ago in the original Independence Day have returned for a rematch, this time with their ugly, creepy-crawly queen as their battlefield leader. The visitors also have a massive new mothership: a sinister black disc with a diameter measuring an Atlantic Ocean-covering 5000 km. So the smart money should be on the away team, right? Wrong. Down here on Earth, a resistance movement comes together quickly to answer the call to arms from America’s first female President. As an excuse for much mindless action – and awesome special effects – this should be an efficient enough blueprint to deliver what viewers are after. However, Resurgence inexplicably over-complicates a simple equation by stuffing too many unnecessary old and new characters (plus many inconsequential sidekicks) into all available gaps. With no Will Smith in the movie to keep the audience on-side, Resurgence keeps drifting off-topic so it can justify the presence of all those space-wasting talking heads. Stars Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum.
THE PREDATOR
**
9:55 PM SEVEN MATE
Assessing the overall worth of the long-running Predator franchise is very easy indeed. The Arnie-starring original from 1987 is a run-gun-and-repeat classic. All the rest have been cinematic dumpster fires, barely able to stay alight until the closing credits. While the same outcome is achieved by this erratic, self-contradictory reboot, it does put up a good fight (and some great frights) before assuming the form of hot garbage. The action centres on the unwelcome arrival to Earth of a new, super-sized Predator – 40% taller and 200% angrier than relatives who have paid us a visit before – and the motley crew of mouth-breathing caricatures with whom he will be skirmishing for our entertainment (dis)pleasure. These include a too-cool-for-school sniper (Boyd Holbrook), his too-clever-for-his-age-son (Jacob Tremblay) and a where-the-heck-did-she-suddenly-learn-to-operate-heavy-artillery-like-that? scientist (Olivia Munn). The pure action sequences do rock, but aside from the occasional hilarious zinger, the rest rarely gets on a roll for long.
ICE AGE
***
7:00 PM 7FLIX
During the biggest chill of them all, a mammoth, a sloth and a sabre-tooth tiger battle incredible odds and inclement conditions to return a small baby to his caveman father. Innovative illustration, sharp scripting and vibrant vocalising gives this sprightly animated comedy a knack for melting down the frostiest resistance. Among those voicing the wisecracks are popular comedians Ray Romano and Denis Leary.
CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
***
8:30 PM 7FLIX
A solid, almost apologetically sincere comedy, perhaps a little too play-safe for some adventurous tastes, but played to near-perfection by a top-flight cast. Steve Carell (Date Night) stars as Cal, a middle-aged Mr Average who has just been dumped by Emily (Julianne Moore), his wife of over twenty years. With assistance from a younger Mr Smooth named Jacob (Ryan Gosling), Cal gradually becomes a proficient player of the dating game. The more you burrow into its many sub-plots, the more interesting and creatively connected the film becomes. Slightly darker and far more thoughtful than a rom-com, but too light to be labelled a drama in any sense.
BRIDGET JONES’ BABY
**
9:00 PM CH. 9
Bridget Jones took a decade-plus holiday from cinemas before belatedly returning with a so-so, middle-of-the-road crowd-pleaser. While Bridget (once again played by Renée Zellweger) is now 43 years old, she is very much the same Ms. Jones: no man, no plan, and no foreseeable change on the near horizon. However, on the far horizon – remember the title of the film – all kinds of changes are on the way. Fast-forward to the middle of the picture where Bridget is pregnant, and not so sure about who the father might be. Two random trysts leave dashing billionaire Jack Quant (Patrick Dempsey) and long-lost love Mark Darcy (Colin Firth) as equally culpable candidates for parenthood. The wait until we finally hear the pitter patter of little feet definitely goes on way too long. Scenes padded out with piffling patter of little consequence push the running time past two hours, which is asking too much of even the most brilliant movie comedies.
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
***
11:20 PM CH. 9
Ladies, it is time to adjust your relationship radar. Men do not transmit mixed signals. If they are not moving closer, move right on. So goes the argument proposed by a fun rom-com based on the self-help bestseller by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Featuring a wonderful ensemble of female actors – how could anything starring Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Connelly not possibly work? – the film sticks closely to the simple ethos of the book. A series of interlocking storylines are explored at a breezy pace that ensures boredom never kicks in. A solid, reliable chick-flick.
JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH
**1/2
7:00 PM GO!
Sharing nothing in common with the classic Jules Verne book apart from its title and subterranean setting, this is basically a filmed theme-park thrill-ride. However, this flashy action-adventure-comedy hybrid still delivers the goods on a purely escapist level. Leave all scientific learning at the door, and watch as Brendan Fraser and friends tumble down a volcanic chute that strands them at the planet’s core. Oh, and for anyone scouring the movie for clues as to how to get to the centre of the earth, your best route is through an extinct volcano in Iceland.
PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
*
9:00 PM GO!
The original Paul Blart: Mall Cop was caught short for amusing material once star Kevin James did the fatty-falls-over thing for the tenth time. In this rigorously chuckle-proof follow-up, James’ lard-bodied security guard just can’t land a laugh no matter what is happening. A switch of location to Vegas brings on nothing but branding opportunities for a popular casino chain. Energy levels are distressingly low, as if all involved have been forced to do so at gunpoint. Shop elsewhere.
THE SWITCH
***
10:05 PM 10 PEACH
Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman are well-paired in this awkwardly endearing rom-com with an artificial-insemination twist. Aniston plays a single mother who learns the real father of her young son is not the well-qualified sperm donor she originally selected. Though the film does take a while to hit its stride, there is a woozy sweetness to the humour that works very well.
FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS
***
8:30 PM SBS
On a good night in the 1940s, New York socialite Florence (Meryl Streep) hits notes known only to canines. On a bad night, eardrums and windows alike are in imminent danger of cracking. While the similar-themed Marguerite is better at capturing the tragi-comic commitment of a rich woman to a deluded folly, this has Meryl Streep. Whenever she shows up, it is never just for the pay cheque. Co-stars Hugh Grant.
ZERO DARK THIRTY
****1/2
8:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
A searing, challenging factual drama all about the US government’s marathon hunt for Osama bin Laden, the most effective terrorist in history. It will take the CIA the best part of a decade to work it out. As a blast from our recent past – reported quite clinically and decidedly powerfully in the present tense – Zero Dark Thirty does not undercharge the explosive nature of its subject matter. Stars Jessica Chastain.
SUNDAY
DIE HARD: WITH A VENGEANCE
***
8:30 PM 7MATE
John McClane (Bruce Willis) is on the streets of his native N.Y. once again to brawnily grapple with the requisite battalion of terrorism’s finest. A sinister random bomber calling himself ‘Simon’ (Jeremy Irons) sucks McClane into an explosive game of ‘Simon Says’ all over the Big Apple. With unwilling partner Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) in tow, our be-singleted, balding hero scampers from crowded block to block, solving childish riddles to stop another mega-blast from levelling the city. A marked come-down from the excellence of Die Hards 1 and 2, but still an effective instalment for the franchise.
MY SUPER EX–GIRLFRIEND
**1/2
7:00 PM GO!
Boy meets girl. Girl (Uma Thurman) turns out to be world’s foremost female superhero. Boy (Luke Wilson) dumps girl. Girl uses her powers to get even. So far, so potentially very funny. However, this uneven (un)romantic comedy doesn’t quite capitalise on a great idea or its strong cast. Not that bad, but could have been much more. The one true highlight here is when an angry Thurman tosses a live shark through Wilson’s window.
HANCOCK
***
9:00 PM GO!
A darker brand of comedy that Will Smith has usually dealt in over the years, and all the better for it. Smith plays the title character, an alcoholic superhero looking to improve his public image and lose his permanent hangover. Story is a bit all over the place, but the action sequences (such as the one where Hancock trashes LA after flying while drunk) are rock solid throughout.
ELEKTRA
***
10:50 PM GO
Disposable thrills abound in this punchy spin-off from the 2002 action hit Daredevil. Jennifer Garner’s butt-kickin’ title character returns from temporary deadness to resume her old career as hitwoman-for-hire. Compared to the easygoing ridiculousness of Daredevil, the prevailing tone here is a darker shade of beyond-the-pale. Co-stars Terence Stamp, Goran Visnjic.
OCEAN’S 8
**1/2
9:00 PM 10 PEACH
A markedly average all-female reboot of the Ocean’s Eleven franchise meekly fizzles when it should intensely sizzle. For a production harnessing a star power of considerable luminosity – from Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett through to Anne Hathaway, Rihanna and a roving pack of cameo-ing couture queens – it is disappointing to see how little a glow comes off happenings here. Bullock stars as Debbie Ocean, the brains of the new movie’s jewel-snatching outfit. Lou (Blanchett) is her second-in-command, and all-round cynical sounding board. All roads lead to New York’s fabled Met Gala, where these law-breakin’ ladies will be looking to lift a $150 million necklace off the throat of a trend-setting celeb (Hathaway). The heist itself is functionally satisfying, but not all that exciting. The stakes just never seem very high.
CITY OF EMBER
**1/2
6:45 PM WORLD MOVIES
After a planet-clearing catastrophe, what remains of mankind is confined to a vast metropolis deep underground. But now the power generators are about to give out, and a solution is needed urgently. An intriguing adventure fantasy (based on the book by Jeanne Duprau) is slightly let down by rushed storytelling and an uncertainty of tone. However, a refreshingly restrained use of CGI effects – combined with some imaginative set dressing – does a wonderful job of immersing the viewer in this strangely sheltered world down below. Worth checking out if you can forgive the flaws. Stars Saoirse Ronan, Bill Murray.
THE SQUARE
***
9:30 PM WORLD MOVIES
This tangential take-down of the contemporary art scene takes place in Stockholm, where a cunning curator named Christian (played by Claes Bang) wants some heated attention for his oh-so-cool gallery. What follows is a series of extended, faintly satirical vignettes, hinting the world of modern art is nothing but smoke, mirrors and a smug line in self-indulgent provocation. The movie is rigorously composed in its design, yet clinically baffling in its execution. You won’t forget it in a hurry, but you may never come to understand it. Arthouse buffs will readily agree 2017’s Killing of a Sacred Deer did the same kind of unworldly, unsettling thing a little better.
DEATH AT A FUNERAL
*1/2
10:40 PM 7TWO
Not the very entertaining British version from 2007. Instead, this is the very sub-standard US remake from 2010. No.