James Weir: End result of ‘f***ing terrible’ ‘90s remake He’s All That

The wild new remake of this classic flick has already copped one sour review. And we’ve already got ideas for the next reboots.

A sure-fire way to get any of us to watch any movie is for it to be branded “objectively f***ing terrible”.

Admit it: you don’t even know what film that sour review is referring to but you wanna view it immediately.

The ‘90s teen flick She’s All That is being retold in a gender-swapped version titled He’s All That. It’s set to drop on Netflix later this month.

The original can be mostly summed up by the infamous scene where dorky girl Laney gets completely transformed by simply removing her glasses and putting on a decent outfit before slow-mo walking down the stairs to Sixpence None The Richer’s hit Kiss Me.

The plot of the new Netflix remake? “An influencer specialising in makeovers bets she can transform an unpopular classmate into prom king.”

Not everyone’s thrilled.

“This looks objectively f***ing terrible,” actress Jameela Jamil tweeted about the newly-released trailer this week. “Which means *everyone* is going to watch it and it’s going to be number 1.”

She added: “You’ll succumb to the hate watching peer pressure. Just wait. We ignore great art and publicise stuff like this with our hatred, and then it becomes number 1, and then studios green light more films just like it.”

This remake better still include slow-mo walking to Sixpence None The Richer.

I wasn’t going to watch this movie – mainly because I had no idea it existed. But now that Jameela Jamil has brought it to my attention, I will. And I’m also excited to see the upcoming slate of terrible movies that studios will green light once He’s All That hits number one.

Gender-swapping dated films that rely on cliches and stereotypes is an excellent way to turn the tables. It’s exactly the kind of thing we need in 2021. What’s next? Two words: Aaron Brockovich.

I’ve already written the screenplay and, not to get ahead of myself, but there has been a lot of industry buzz. I’ve been pushing studio execs to let me play the lead. There’s just something about the role that I gravitate towards. It goes back to when I performed Julia Roberts’ now-iconic, “They’re called boobs, Ed,” line in an audition for my regional high school play.

Moving on.

The reimagined Erin Brockovich is slated for a summer release.

The Brotherhood Of The Travelling Pants is another terrific gender swap opportunity. The reimagined story will follow four best friends who buy a pair of pants from Lowes and then share them as a way of staying connected while they spend the summer apart. Not to take too much creative licence, but this male version will have a different twist in the third act where the pants end up becoming so rotten and filthy they decay into a threadbare scrap of fabric before just disintegrating completely. I don’t have the full cast worked out yet but it’ll definitely include Kevin James.

Kevin James will really bring a nuanced performance when he slots into the role originally played by Alexis Bledel.

Next up? The Devil Wears Tarocash. It’s exactly like The Devil Wears Prada except this version is set at a dirt bike magazine where the office smells like foot deodorant and clogged drain.

An easy win is gender-swapping all those movies based on books with longwinded titles that incorporate the word “girl”.

The Boy On The Train.

The Boy With The Dragon Tattoo.

The Boy In The Spider’s Web.

And obviously we need to gender swap all of the Olsen Twins’ straight-to-video tween movies. James Franco and Seth Rogen can play the leads.

I’ll accept my Oscars now.

Remember when Freddie Prinze Jr was a thing?

IT’S CUTTING SEASON

One of my favourite things is when celebrities weigh in on the big issues. Covid has really brought them out.

Gold Coast singer-turned-almost-Olympian Cody Simpson added his voice this week with a rant that was superimposed over a speedo photo posted to Instagram.

“If politicians and bureaucrats had to sacrifice their salaries or take pay cuts during lockdowns, I wonder how long they’d last. Food for thought,” some of the gripe read.

Can’t wait to see the distinct change that will no doubt take place now he has spoken out.

Jennifer Aniston has also joined the chorus. She’s always offering great tips and tricks to a better life. I once read that she’s been eating the same salad every day since Friends, so of course I googled the recipe and now eat it every day too.

When it comes to Covid, she’s quoted in the latest issue of InStyle magazine saying she has cut out friends who “refused” or “did not disclose” their coronavirus vaccination status.

“There’s still a large group of people who are anti-vaxxers or just don’t listen to the facts,” she said. “It’s a real shame.”

She added: “I’ve just lost a few people in my weekly routine who have refused or did not disclose [whether or not they had been vaccinated], and it was unfortunate.”

As well as stealing Jen’s salad, I’m also stealing her philosophy about cutting people out. We should all do it – regardless of whether the people in question are vaccinated or not.

Lockdown really makes you reflect on your life and take stock of what’s important. Tired of annoying family members and needy friends? Cut ‘em. Snip, snip, snip. ‘Tis cutting season.

Go full-on Marie Kondo. Don’t bring me joy? See ya.

And don’t just stop at top-tier associates. I’ve even started cutting people on the periphery of my life.

There’s a local Coles self-serve checkout attendant who I’ve mercilessly cut. She’d been annoying me for months – always getting in the way whenever I was in a rush and trying to grab one of the 15 cent bags. Constantly standing in the exit, chatting with random strangers.

She just had no awareness of space. That’s why I now go to a nearby Woolworths.

Anyway, the point is, Jen’s really onto something.

Continue the conversation with me on social. You can even tag the people you’re cutting so they know to stop contacting you.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir: End result of ‘f***ing terrible’ ‘90s remake He’s All That