FIRST AUSTRALIAN REVIEW: Fifty Shades Freed ends the kinky sex saga on a passionless note

REVIEW: Fifty Shades Freed has come, which means the fleshy franchise can finally go. The pleasure has been all theirs. The pain will forever remain all ours.

Scene from the film Fifty Shades Freed. Universal Pictures.

FIFTY SHADES FREED (MA15+)

Rating: one and a half stars (1.5 out of 5)

Director: James Foley (Fifty Shades Darker)

Starring: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson,

Departing of the sleaze

Prepare to turn the lights way down low in the bedroom of your mind. Then set your expectations even lower.

The end to the most trouser-troubling trilogy in motion-picture history is upon us.

In this scene from the movie Fifty Shades Freed, see if you can find the suggestively phallic object. You have five minutes ... starting ... NOW.

That’s right, after the first two tempestuous movie kink-a-thons from author EL James seduced the world box-office and made off with over a billion dollars, Fifty Shades Freed is here to zip up, give you a quick peck on the cheek, and disappear.

The whole experience has been like a bad Tinder date that lasted three years.

The best that can be said of Fifty Shades Freed is that it offers the lasting relief of knowing the franchise won’t ever be calling for another hook-up.

In this scene from the movie Fifty Shades Freed, see if you can guess what Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) are about to do. You have five minutes ... starting ... NOW.

While the new movie has been rated by Australian censors as an MA15-plus, the feckless plotting of Fifty Shades Freed comes in at an IQ15-minus.

Dashing dominant doofus Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is still a mopey moneybags with mummy issues, while ditzy doormat Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) is still there to be walked all over.

Any fresh developments? Well, Christian and Ana are now husband and wife. However, the heavy-breathing honeymoon for the sadomasochistic spouses is noticeably short-lived.

And not just because Ana has sprung the surprise she is pregnant. Or that Christian pettily reacts to the news as if someone stole his favourite pair of studded leather undies.

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in a scene from film Fifty Shades Freed

Without going into too many specifics, a member of the unhappy couple’s inner circle will be abducted by someone with a stalker-ish grudge against Mr and Mrs Grey.

But not before we are treated to a fleshy fracas or two in Christian’s pimped-out perv-cave The Red Room, an unnecessary driving sequence or two brought to you by Audi, and a longform lovemaking scene brought to you by, I kid you not, Ben & Jerry’s.

Unbelievably, the spectacle of Dornan and Johnson using each other as ice-cream bowls ranks as only the second strangest scene in Fifty Shades Freed.

“Wanna go to the supermarket and check out the frozen confectionery section?” “Yeah. That sounds soooo hot!”

(The one that takes the WTF cake is the bit where everything stops so Dornan can sing a ditty while playing the piano. Mark my words : Hugh Jackman will not be looking over his shoulder any time soon.)

So what other major revelations can we expect to glean here before the last derrière is thwacked, and everyone packs up their handcuffs, leashes and hoods and heads off home?

Not a lot. Christian doesn’t shave for his own wedding, a brassy shindig which is almost ruined by some paparazzi who have time-travelled all the way from the mid-1990s.

Ana is reluctant to take the last name of her new hubby. Christian throws a he-man hissy fit when he tries to message the missus on what should be her new email address, and it bounces back.

Dakota Johnson thinks she sees her next acting job. But alas, it was only a mirage.

Christian comes home sloshed (Dornan does ‘drunk’ pretty horribly for an experienced actor, btw). While he’s sleeping it off, Ana notices he gets what she thinks is a dirty-flirty text message from Elena.

You remember Elena, right? She was that curmudgeonly cougar (played by Kim Basinger in the last movie, surplus to requirements here) who first showed Christian “the ropes”.

Ana cracks the sads. Then that aforementioned kidnapping problem happens, and the utterly tension-free solution arrived at to fix it slowly rolls around all over the place. Like a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel in an abandoned car park.

Scene from the film Fifty Shades Freed. Universal Pictures.

The rest of Fifty Shades Freed is filled with tastefully-lit camera glides across Johnson’s bouncing boobs and Dornan’s burnished butt cheeks. You should be on first-name terms with all four of them by now.

So there you have it : you’ve been a naughty, naughty audience for ever giving the Fifty Shades phenomenon the right to exist.

So by all means, plonk your money down on Fifty Shades Freed, and cop the punishment you undoubtedly deserve.

Spank you very much.

Scene from the movie Fifty Shades Freed. Universal Pictures.