Fast & Furious 9 review: Too much talking, not enough action

While the absolutely bonkers stunts are eye-popping, Fast and Furious 9 owes audiences an apology for a far more egregious error.

“How the hell are you not dead?!”

That’s the perennial question in the gargantuan stunt-fests that is the Fast and Furious franchise as characters survive showers of fireballs with nary a singed eyebrow, roll down steep cliffs while not wearing a seatbelt or leap between high-rises in a Lykan Hypersport.

Of course, there’s an element of disbelief in the supercharged and super lucrative franchise, now 10 movies deep including spin-offs. You can’t go into a Fast & Furious armed with a physics degree and quibble with the movie’s total disregard for gravity or logic.

Sure, there are plenty of moments when the tension of the thrill is gone because you’re laughing so hard at the incredulity of the absolutely bonkers action set-piece. Fast & Furious knows what it is, and it has never apologised for it.

Dom’s default face: glowering.

But Fast & Furious 9 (F9) owes the audience an apology. Not for the wild stunts, an almost balletic commitment from director Justin Lin to over-the-top, eye-popping, explosive action with style.

It definitely shouldn’t apologise for putting Helen Mirren behind the wheel of a London chase or for the ambitious opening gambit in a fictional central America country that climaxes with a series of utterly unbelievable exploits. No, as individual sequences, the action is electrifying, it’s what it’s here for.

What F9 should apologise for is its stupendously dumb writing and propensity to overexplain every little thing (did you know parents and their children share DNA?!), and bloated emotional beats that stretch for so long you’re left screaming on the inside, “DO MORE CAR STUFF!”.

Yes, more of this please. Less of the talky-talk.

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With an overcomplicated story that has more plot holes than bullet holes, F9 makes audiences wait for what seems like eternity between set-pieces just so everyone can perfect their purposeful glowering. And brow-beat you over the head about how it’s all about the family.

Oh, what? This franchise is about family? After the first nine movies, we get it.

Having an emotional through-line is what has kept many fans invested after so long, but when it’s the only thematic trick in its book, maybe stop drawing so much undue attention to it.

And, of course, the story does revolve around family with a heretofore unspoken about Toretto brother, Jakob, played by John Cena. Jakob also happens to be an international super spy assassin with a predilection for fast cars. Basically, he’s Dom (Vin Diesel), but a bad-doer.

John Cena as Jakob Toretto.

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Everyone is after a MacGuffin of a superweapon that can reboot the world order within minutes. Among the players is the son of a European power who has his own private army and a smug sense of entitlement.

Plus, the return of Charlize Theron’s Fate of the Furious villain, Cipher – once again, what a waste to cast Theron in an action movie and the most physical thing she gets to do is lean back in a chair.

F9 over-relies on nostalgia with reappearances from Han (Sung Kang), Mia (Jordana Brewster), Santos (Don Omar), Stasiak (Shea Whigham) and the trio from Tokyo Drift (Lucas Black, Bow Wow and Jason Tobin).

Action super star Charlize Theron, sitting.

After 20 years on the road and billions of dollars at the box office, it has earnt the right to a little fan service. The franchise has always been inconsistent with highs that thrill and lows that infuriate.

F9 is not one of the high points. The lesson here is more action, less talking. Or even the same amount of action, but definitely less talking - especially when that talking is so damn earnest. Also, shave about 30 minutes off that runtime.

While the ambitious, mad action still satisfies, F9 doesn’t get to coast on an incoherent story and lazy, repetitive beats that drag out for much longer than a quarter-mile.

Rating: 2.5/5

F9 is in cinemas now

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Originally published as Fast & Furious 9 review: Too much talking, not enough action