Page 13: All the naughty, nice and shocking of 2023
From Angela’s fat-bear defence to Lambo Guy’s sports car craning stunt to celebrity couplings and shock deaths, the jawdropping stories of 2023 just kept on coming.
Confidential
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From Angela’s fat-bear defence through the lawn tennis club’s “Kluedo” mystery to , the jawdropping stories of 2023 just kept on coming.
A - ANGELA THE SUN BEAR
Award for internet headscratcher went to Angela the Sun Bear, with viewers crying fake on a China zoo, saying she was a human posing in a bear suit. But there was a bear in there. Showbiz journo Angela Bishop later cleared up the fat-bear-shaming, posting: “Like this Angela, she just has a bit of a saggy butt.”
B – BONDI SANDS
Bronzing kings Shaun Wilson and Blair Wilson sold their Port Melbourne self-tanning brand with the Sydney name for a whopping $450m, capping off a stellar year along with Wilson popping the question to influencer girlfriend Tess Shanahan. Both guys were also victims of Melbourne home invasions and richlister carjackings.
C – CAREW, DAMIEN
Former St Kevin’s private schoolboy turned flashy real estate agent, Damien Carew is still in jail awaiting trial after he was arrested on the French Riviera for the alleged attempted murder of his diamond dealer Russian wife. Christmas in a French jail is a far cry from what was the sweet life in Monte Carlo, sunny place for shady people.
D – DIKILEAKS
The AFL turned pecker police tracked down the penis perp behind an illegally shared Google Drive file containing the alleged images of more than 45 past and present players, with a teenage boy later questioned by Victoria Police.
E – EPIC DUMMY SPITS
Forget the track, the action was inside the Melbourne Racing Club committee room as one high-profile director stormed out before a back-stabbing election during which a gold-framed painting was ripped from a wall in a related incident at the VRC.
F - FRANCE SOIR REFLUX
Trucking dynasty rich-lister Andrew Fox jumped up from the family table at the South Yarra institution to break up a street scuffle between some passing bogans. Good taste was swiftly restored at the brasserie named after the famous French newspaper.
G – GILLON MCLACHLAN’S PREMIERSHIP SEASON
Gil’s final season as AFL head honcho included not only organising his own knees-up but the bucks party of the century for chef and good mate Guilliame Brahimi in Las Vegas. What became a 538-day handover of the top job included elbow surgery on a pesky polo injury. Gil’s ten-year stint as CEO ended with him last seen dancing like no one was watching to INXS at the Luna Park birthday last week.
H – HAPPY ENDINGS
It’s wedding bells for AFL media hotshot Garry Lyon and Nicky Brownless after a shaky start more than seven years ago. Everyone is back playing happy families, including ex-husband and ol’ mate Billy Brownless. Elsewhere, previous breakdowns were healed with a re-fired romance between former AFLW star Moana Hope and rising media star Maria Thattil.
I – INFLUENCERS, RISE AND FALL
The digital world that built them can end eating them up. Geelong influencer and trans activist Deni Todorovic was enjoying the spotlight as the first non-binary Seafolly model during World mardi gras before spiralling into social media and court standoffs while rising media star Abbie Chatfield took time out online to deal with work addiction and mental health issues.
J – JANE GALE Vs TOXIC AFL BOYS’ CLUB
Not many women can stand tall like Jane Gale amid hurtful insinuations about her as Richmond CEO husband Brendan Gale vied for the top spot in the AFL. Bearing the brunt of misogynistic rumours, she spoke her truth to Page 13 and did not hold back: “I think it’s because I’m outspoken and I might not have been a lovely little wife.” Boom!
K – KOOYONG Lawn Tennis Club Kluedo
Members at the exclusive club known as the “spiritual home of tennis” are still looking for answers about a missing $2.4m from food and beverages, calling in the firm that looked after Hillsong’s financials. A recent fire from a faulty airconditioner saw members wise cracking that the club was “cooking the books.” Another one was “burning the evidence”.
L – LAMBO GUY
Lamborghini-loving Block buyer Adrian Portelli revved up media interest with stunt craning a $2m sports car into his CBD penthouse while his LMCT+ lottery business was under investigation. That was 57-floors up in an apartment that broke Melbourne’s record for penthouse paradise at $39m.
M – MARTY SHEARGOLD
The troubled Triple M radio jock took a er, “extended break” from his eponymous breakfast show after reports he was asked to leave the AFL Grand Final at the MCG for “poor behaviour.” Poor behaviour didn’t quite cut it.
N – NOOSA CIRCUS
Designer Pip Edwards delivered the year’s best one liner: “It is definitely not my circus and I would like to say the carnival is over.” Ex-boyfriend and cricketer Michael Clarke was videoed shirtless and reinjuring his hammy in a slanging match barney in a Noosa park with his then current girlfriend Jade Yarbrough and good mate Karl Stefanovic.
O – OZEMPIC
Melbourne nutritionist-to-the-stars Donna Aston was onto something when she called out Oprah Winfrey as a secret endorser of celebrity weight loss drug Ozempic. Turns out Aston was on the calories, with the media mogul later confirming she was using the injectable shrinker along with the rest of Hollywood showbiz and those closer to home.
P – POTTER, WATERY YARRA CRASH
Influential art philanthropist, Lady Potter, walked away, wet but without a scratch, after the 92-year-old drove her luxurious Mercedes E200 into the Yarra in Toorak one cold winter’s night.
Q – QUIZ SHOW MILLIONAIRE HOT SEAT COOLS
Eddie McGuire confirmed speculation his game show would not be renewed, ending a run that saw the game show become a small-screen staple in Aussie homes for 25 years.
R – Real estate high-flyer Matthew Pillios grounded
Whispers are swirling as to why “Victoria’s No. 1 agent” of the year, Matthew Pillios, abruptly left Marshall White at Brighton. Agent to a high-profile AFL clientele, last we heard he is now selling the dream in Bali.
S – SCALE FACILITATION’S DAVID COLLARD INVESTIGATED
High-flying Geelong entrepreneur David Collard went from hero-to-zero after Page 13 revealed a raid by authorities over an alleged $150m tax fraud. Collard was named in lawsuits by staff in New York over backpay as well as being served an eviction notice on a luxury apartment while running up a $1.1m Amex bill.
T – TOTE, SAVE THE TOTE CAMPAIGN
Last drinks were called on iconic Collingwood pub The Tote after owners decided to put the venue up for sale. A record-breaking crowdfunding campaign by rockdogs Shane Hilton and his partner Leanne raised $3m to save the legendary live music hangout.
U – BIG UMBRELLA CHARITY ROCKS ON
Living up to his reputation as the nicest guy in rock’n’roll, Foo Fighter’s frontman David Grohl was on the tongs in Fed Square handing out lunch to the homeless. He hung over a smokin’ BBQ in an 18-hour shift in between his sellout stadium gigs for local charity The Big Umbrella
V – VEGAS POP PRINCESS KYLIE MINOGUE
Australia just can’t get Kylie outta our heads and now the world has finally caught her catchy beat. A Las Vegas residency was the fever-pitch climax for Kylie this year with her biggest No 1. hit in 12 years. Padam Padam, I hear it and I know.
W – WAGGING TONGUES AT PRIVATE SCHOOL GATES
Essendon’s Matthew Lloyd got a rap on the knuckles for breaching school rules at a Haileybury premiership celebration and questions were asked over the resignation of St Catherine’s principal Michelle Carroll. There was no lack of pearl-clutching gossip at Melbourne’s private school gates.
X – X-RATED WARWICK CAPPER
Following a fallout with disgraced former footy manager Ricky Nixon, the Wiz got down and dirty as a brothel owner. Victoria has er, loosened sex work discrimination laws and the footy forward with the tightest pants in the comp has reopened Westminster Secrets, adding tastefully: “The place is sh%& hot, it’s been refurbished and has a pole.”
Y – YE AND BIANCA CENSORI
Kanye West’s Melbourne-born wife Bianca Censori flew home and was seen er below deck on a gondola in Venice to holding pillows and fluffy toys as security blankets (sort of) as all part of the Ye show.
Z – ZONFRILLO, JOCK AND RIP
We were shocked by the untimely death of MasterChef judge and chef Jock Zonfrillo. Too many of our brightest stars, including Barry Humphries, comedians Cal Wilson and Doug Mulray, artist John Olsen, singer Renee Geyer and AC/DC drummer Colin Burgess and our favourite talk-show host Sir Michael Parkinson left us this year.
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