Johnny Depp’s dogs Pistol and Boo back to a dog’s life

OUR wonderful world has fallen flat like the one-dimensional performance our carers Johnny and Amber gave in that woeful courtroom video.

Johnny Depp with Amber Heard outside a Gold Coast court. Picture: AFP

AFTER all the private jetsetting, Tinseltown red carpets, and trans-Pacific insults, our wonderful world has fallen flat like the one-dimensional performance our carers Johnny and Amber gave in that woeful courtroom video. (We were in the room when they filmed that crap, so it almost counts as animal abuse.)

But, if we’re honest (like the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service), life with Johnny and Amber has been a mixed bag — specifically, a Hermes Birkin bag, our favourite hiding place for illegal travel.

Indeed, on our last big trip, Johnny promised us a fun-filled holiday in far away, exotic Australia.

Imagine our disappointment to peer from Amber’s overpriced sack and find ourselves in the bogan capital of everywhere — the Gold Coast. Don’t get us wrong. We love all Australians, even the ones who cross pollinate with tomatoes or, as Johnny calls them, “Barnabys”.

Pistol back in the States after being kicked out of Australia. Picture: Instagram

Pistol and Boo in Australia. Picture: Nine News

In fact, amid the tears of this painful split, Pistol and I considered resettling Down Under, but feared we might end up as extras on The Real Housewives Of Melbourne, or worse, at a party with Mitchell Pearce.

However, our First World problem, choosing Johnny or Amber, is heartbreakingly real. They’re both terrible actors. It’s like picking a Razzies Hall of Famer.

He was in The Lone Ranger, The Tourist and The Astronaut’s Wife. She was in ... what was she in?

For now, please respect our place to reflect and space to be sad. I want to remember the good times we shared with Johnny and Amber, then return to sniffing Pistol’s butt.