Comedian Sam Taunton dissects the quirks of Melbourne

The Docklands, vegan protests and non-alcoholic espresso martinis are among Melbourne quirks that baffle comedian Sam Taunton — but he’s also discovered a way to beat the public transport system.

Ahhh Melbourne. The home of culture. The home of sport. The home of coffee. The home of erghh … Eddie McGuire.

OK they all can’t be winners.

As a former Melburnian comedian now living in Sydney, Melbourne International Comedy Festival truly is a month-long holiday where I get to come back and experience the high-end culture that is possible in this great nation of ours. I love it.

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On just my second day back in the Victorian capital I was at a laneway bar where I overheard a lady ordering a non-alcoholic espresso martini.

That’s right. A non-alcoholic espresso martini. What? That’s just a cold coffee.

That’s why I love Melbourne. People aren’t afraid to express themselves and go out on a limb.

For example, what other city would be home to a group of vegans with enough energy to organise a protest on a big enough scale to bring a global CBD to a stand still?

Melbourne, that’s who.

Most vegan groups are sleeping all day and sharing memes to annoy their friends on Facebook.

Sam Taunton says Melbourne is the only city on the planet where you can buy a non-alcoholic espresso martini.

Also Melbourne is diverse.

For example, no other city in the word has a vibrant, bustling CBD that can house people from all walks of life, yet located just a few hundred metres away, has the most culturally dead, sparsely populated wasteland on the planet — Docklands.

Having Docklands next to the CBD is like sitting down to a bowl of tuna ice cream.

Who on earth could have thought those two could mix?

And finally the trams.

Those sweet trams. I lived in Melbourne for almost five years and never once tapped on with my myki. That’s crazy!

For five entire years I rode those trams illegally and I only received five fines from undercover ticket inspectors.

I did the maths on the SkyBus to Tullamarine once (don’t even get me started on that 12-hour journey in peak-hour traffic) and worked out I ended up $3184 in front.

$3184.

It truly is the city of dreams. Where else can you get free public transport?

So Melbourne, you will always hold a special place in my heart. I love you.

I started comedy here, and it has the best comedy clubs and comedians in the country.

I truly feel like a kid in a candy shop every time I’m here.

Also as a Sydney person, being able to get a beer after midnight is worth the price of the plane ticket alone.

Sam Taunton, Straight From The Shoulder, until April 21, Melbourne Town Hall, Regent Room.