City slicker author Todd Alexander on the dirty reality of moving to the country

Are you one of many Aussies fantasising about a tree change? City slicker Todd Alexander did it — and he has some words of advice.

Not kidding around ... Todd, Jeff and one of their new countryside mates.

Are you among the many Aussies fantasising about a post-Covid tree change? Born-and-bred city slicker author Todd Alexander did it — and he has some words of advice as he releases his second book on the experience, You’ve Got To Be Kidding: A Shedload Of Wine & A Farm Full Of Goats.

Eight years ago my partner Jeff and I ran away from the city with a dream of living a more relaxed, rewarding life in the country.

That’s over 70,000 hours on the land and by now you’d think we’d have gotten our act together. But then, every time we think we’re on top of things, yet another hurdle gets thrown our way. You don’t know me, but let me tell you — the sight of me jumping anything isn’t pretty. Sometimes I throw my hands in the air and yell “you’ve got to be kidding!”

You’ll become a joke, naturally ... author Todd Alexander and friend have some advice for tree-changers.

In fact, these days I can often be seen talking to myself – that would get you locked up in the city; in the country it’s just because there’s often no one else around. My pet goats aren’t the best conversationalists.

So, if you’ve ever thought about throwing away your city life to take a shot at life on the land, here are the top five lessons I’ve learnt (the hard way).

You’ll Make Mother Nature Laugh

It doesn’t matter what you’re thinking of doing with the land, Mother Nature always has the last laugh. For us, that’s meant dealing with chronic drought and subsequent bushfires (in the country the Fires Near Me app becomes your best friend), we’ve had kangaroos feast on our crops, birds take care of whatever’s left, a dam full of enormous fish rise to the surface in an Armageddon-worthy scene … and of course COVID-19 come along to temporarily decimate our entire business. I’m still silly enough to make plans, I just don’t tell too many people about them because I’m tired of looking the fool.

Book a room ... You've Got To Be Kidding by Todd Alexander

You’ll Get Your Hands Dirty

In the city the hardest work I ever did was typing and the only power tool I ever used was a Kitchen Aid in a lovely sage green. In the country my fingernails are always filthy. I’ve lost count of the number of dead things I’ve had to move with my bare hands. I’ve broken ribs, developed carpal tunnel, nearly lost my hand in a tractor accident (a slight exaggeration but still …) and I work so hard that even after a thorough scrub in the shower the white towel always turns to brown. But give me this over boardroom charades any day.

You’ll Need Local Help

There’s only so much that Google and You Tube videos can help with. Inevitably, you’ll need to rely on locals with vastly more experience than you. That can often be a mixed bag, like Phil the water guy who sometimes referred to Jeff and me as “ladies” before I broke up with him via text, but generally you’re going to find yourself surrounded by honest, hardworking people who are happy to lend a hand. I liken it to travelling to Paris and refusing to say a word of French — when you move to the country if you show the locals you’re willing to work bloody hard, they’ll show you so much kindness it sometimes brings a tear to a not-quite-butch farmer’s eye (speaking from experience).

You’ll Never Have Money in The Bank

And I mean never. We have 100 acres so everything is on an enormous scale including the accompanying bills. You can save up (like we try to do) but then your irrigation pump will break and you’ll kiss those year-long ten grand savings goodbye. One of your animals will get sick and you’ll rush her to the vet for an ultrasound, pay a grand, then later work out she just drank some stagnant water and needed it to pass. Then you’ll have a verbal agreement to sell your produce and the buyer will renege at the last minute or offer such a ridiculously low price you may has well have set fire to the farm yourself.

You Won’t Regret A Thing

Despite all of this, once you embrace life on the land you’ll never look back. I’m city born and bred. I thought a piece of my heart would always belong there with the bright lights, the bumper to bumper traffic, the smog and the people so intent on looking at their mobile devices they don’t even bother to look where they’re walking. But now I hate going back. I’ve come to the realisation that human beings are meant to live on the land, harvest our own food, surround ourselves with animals and similarly hardworking neighbours. Give it a go … and just remember to bring your sense of humour with you.

You can experience the fruits of Todd’s labours yourself by checking out his Hunter Valley winery and accommodation business Block Eight — or by readinghis delightful You’ve Got To Be Kidding: A Shedload Of Wine & A Farm Full Of Goats, published by HarperCollins Australia and available now.

On a very different tack, our Book of the Month is Abigail Dean’s heartstopping Girl A. Head to booktopia.com.au and enter code GIRLA at checkout to receive 30 per cent off the RRP of $29.99. And come talk books of all types at the Sunday Book Club group on Facebook.

No regrets ... Todd Alexander has written two books about country life — first Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga, now You’ve Got To Be Kidding — and he is still loving it.