Aussie expert reveals how to deal with ‘bad colleagues’ at work

It’s a problem many of us have had to deal with at work – and now, an Aussie expert has revealed the secret to beating it forever.

Did you know we spend approximately 90,000 hours at work in our lifetime?

Wherever you are in those hours, it is likely you have or will experience not “gelling” with someone you are working with. They seem to trigger a shorter and shorter tolerance in you, and you can find yourself increasingly frustrated, irritated, annoyed, angry, hurt … a possible myriad of emotions. Sound familiar?

If you are struggling to work with others, test out these five strategies to help you navigate them in a way that improves your relationship, while learning about yourself along the way.

Tip 1: Understand the neuroscience

You have probably heard of the stress hormone, cortisol. When this happens, our brains are primed for action, not necessarily clear thinking. We all need to balance cortisol out with oxytocin (by feeling like we belong) and serotonin (when we feel valued).

When these chemicals are triggered, we feel safe. This enables us to then get curious, releasing a healthy dose of dopamine as we learn.

When you “don’t like” someone, your cortisol likely spikes around them. You want to generate these balancing chemicals in yourself and your colleague, using neuroscience to create better safety and connection.

Tip 2: Create safety for yourself

Elicit oxytocin by having a good laugh and sharing things in common with others. Then intentionally help others to experience serotonin.

This supports you to pause, breathe and stay in a curious state when you then shift to improving your relationship with this “difficult” person.

Come back to get this oxytocin and serotonin any time you recognise strong emotions bubbling up.

RELATED: 5 signs your workplace is toxic – and what to do about it

You need to understand neuroscience in order to move forward. Picture: iStock

Tip 3: Create safety for them

What do you have in common that has nothing to do with work? Is it a sporting team? A form of exercise? Pets? A hobby?

Use that to create an initial connection to elicit oxytocin. Then find common ground and goals.

Acknowledge their strengths to achieve this and help them, showing your strengths, to elicit serotonin in both of you. This sets up the best environment to then have a conversation about different “styles”.

Tip 4: Accept multiple truths

We all wear multiple lenses based on our genetics, our childhood, our cultural upbringing, significant events that have impacted us and what is currently going on. They provide us with a view of the world that makes sense for us and helps us feel safe.

Because we aren’t consciously aware of all those lenses, we can fall into the trap of believing our truth is THE truth, but it is only one experience of the truth.

People don’t come to work to do a bad job. There can be a range of reasons why the person is behaving for their own “survival”. Start with an acceptance that they are not deliberately trying to annoy or frustrate you.

Once you have them feeling safe, play with a conversation structured around, “Can you help me understand your perspective on X, as I am struggling to see that?”. Listen first to understand and reflect before responding with, “Can I help you understand my perspective so we can find a way forward?”

RELATED: 6 toxic thoughts successful people avoid

It’s not always easy to get along with everyone in the workplace, but there are ways.

Tip 5: Stay curious to the lenses you wear that create blind spots

What lenses might be creating a blind spot for you? How do your past experiences and current challenges influence your ability to stay curious about their behaviour? What is the story in your head about them?

Chances are if you are picking up things from them, they are picking up things from you and it is a chicken and egg situation as to who is causing what.

If your story about them is “they are difficult to work with”, flip this to “I am difficult to work with”. What might you do differently to help them feel safe, valued and curious working with you?

When your brain picks up a “threat”, the chemistry can get in the way of finding a path forward. So change the chemistry by intentionally eliciting oxytocin (through connection) and serotonin (through contribution) to help them get curious with you on how you build a more effective relationship.

This doesn’t happen overnight though. Play with connection, contribution and curiosity, reminding yourself that every relationship is an opportunity to learn new skills which will set you up well throughout your career.

The secret lies in science.

Genevieve Hawkins is the author of Mentally at Work and Shrinking Elephants. She is a health and transformation executive turned business adviser and coach on psychological safety and navigating conflict in the workplace. You can find her at www.genevievehawkins.com.au

Originally published as Aussie expert reveals how to deal with ‘bad colleagues’ at work