KFC SuperCoach NRL: Who has aced their mid-season performance review
The SuperCoach HR department have concluded their mid-season reviews and while things went well for some, others have copped quite the bollocking.
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It’s that time of year we all hate, the dreaded mid-year performance review.
You know the drill, the call comes out from your HR department to come up with three examples of how you are great at your job and then you need to outline ‘where do you see your career progressing?’
And woe is me, because this year – unlike last year Thomas! – I don’t get to use ‘I am beating Tom Sangster in SuperCoach’ as one of my examples.
I will, however, once again, write ‘Supplanting Sangster as the KFC SuperCoach NRL Guru’ as my career goal.
That’s right – ‘once again’ – I have been aiming for Sangster’s throne for five years now and never got there. I suppose I should have taken Emerson’s advice and given up when the first coup failed.
But that’s enough about me and the internecine struggles for power within The Daily Telegraph’s KFC SuperCoach ‘team’, let’s begin the mid-season review of the 2021 season.
EXCEEDING EXPECTATIONS
Isaiah Papali’i – Well done Mr Papali’i, you’ve earned your promotion from mid-ranger to keeper so far this year. In 2018-2020 when at the Warriors, you played 57 games with a season-best average of 50PPG (2019) and exceeded 80PPG just three times. Now ensconced at the Eels, ‘IPap’, as you have come to be affectionately known in the SC community, you have exceeded 80PPG in nine of 15 games played this year. A real all-round contributor doing the grunt work, providing offloads to make your team leader look good (always wise Mr Papali’i) and scoring plenty of tries yourself, it’s safe to say we’ll be looking to give you plenty of minutes in the future.
Nicho Hynes – Generally classified as a bench weapon in 2020, you showed us what you could do when asked to step up scoring 102, 30 and 91 in the three games in the starting side that year Mr Hynes. And with injury laying low our marvellously mulleted RPap (*reminder have HR talk to Ryan about that hair cut, but also reinforce that they are NOT to approach Big Nelson under any circumstances no matter how ridiculous his haircut*) you have delivered some outstanding results so far this year. In your 10 starts in 2021 you have averaged 103.6PPG and reached a peak price of $900,900. As you have opted to leave our organisation at the end of the year we will not be providing you with any further career progression, but fear not – if injury lays low Ryan or Cameron (or if Cameron continues to ‘accidentally’ impact opposition with his lower leg post-tackles) – we may well call on you to start again at some point in the season.
Reuben Garrick – Well, well, well, Mr Garrick haven’t you timed your burst of form well? In the five rounds before being called in for this review you have scored 92, 128, 54, 106 and 156. Granted just one of those scores was against a quality opposition (128 against the Eels in round 11), but points are points Sir and you have delivered them. Most heartening is not your sensational improvement in linebreaks and tries – I mean you’re doing good work friend but we at HR are giving Tommy Turbo most of the credit there – rather, it is your workrate and significant improvement in goalkicking accuracy that has the HR team so chuffed. Keep working on those effort areas. Follow Tom wherever he goes. And, when we do park the Turbo, keep showing what you can do at fullback, because fullback money beats winger money every day, and performances like we saw in round 14 are going to have clubs come knocking at your door.
Brian To’o – Come in Brian, turn off the boom box and, please, take a seat – you could use a rest after all that work you have been doing this year. Lucky we’re not paying you by the metre or hitup. After all you have run for more metres (3,000+ already) than any other player in the NRL and made more hitups (224 over eight metres and 75 under eight) than the next best at your position (Daniel Tupou) who has 157 HU over eight and 83 under. What’s that? Yes, that probably is why you took Daniel’s Blue jumper though I dare say the position-leading 78 tackle busts doesn’t hurt either. Look, I won’t make any puns about your height when asking about your growth prospects in 2021-22. We all know you may not be the tallest winger going around but between you, me and Mr Luai who I can see lurking outside the door – you’re the best.
Clint Gutherson – King, welcome. It may surprise some to see you rated here in the ‘Exceeding Expectations’ category while headline hogging Tommy is slumming it below in ‘Met Expectations,’ but as I explained to Thomas we’ve always sort of known he was great, while, a million apologies your majesty, we thought you were just rather good. In 2019 you played all 24 games and averaged 57PPG. In 2020, the full (if Covid-truncated) season once more and a significant jump in average to 70PPG. This year you have once again not missed a game, and barely a minute, while adding another 15PPG to your average. And yes, while 85PPG is significantly below Turbo’s 127PPG, it’s still exceptionally good, and combined with your durability and Origin snubbing it has seen you score more points than any other fullback. So that’s the good stuff. Now, can we discuss the topknot? The boss is not very happy about it …
Sam Walker – Sorry kid, I think you’re in the wrong place. I was told I would be doing the performance review of the top-averaging playmaker with the surname Walker and you clearly are not Cody. What? Really? Well, come in then Sam – my humble apologies. The Roosters told everyone you were a bit of a talent but since you look just old enough to be standing outside a Dan Murphy’s asking passers by to buy you a six pack most of us thought you may have to wait a while before showing us just how good. But then Luke Keary did his ACL in round three and up you stepped in round four with two try assists and double that number in linebreak assists. Next game it was three try assists and you nabbed yourself a metaphorical meat pie too. As stars fell all around you those narrow shoulders took on more and more of a load and you now average more PPG than the likes of Daly Cherry-Evans, Mitch Moses and even KFC SuperCoach great Kodi Nikorima. Our only fear here in the back office is that you may overburden yourself. So take it from us, you’re safe at the club for about a decade, don’t go breaking in the first season eh?
MET EXPECTATIONS
Nathan Cleary/Tom Trbojevic: Look I brought you both in together, which I appreciate is an unusual move, but it’s a busy time of year for us in HR, and I’ve got the same message for both of you. LOOK OUT. Tom, you are averaging 127PPG and Nathan 115PPG. These are unheard of numbers and if you keep it up then I can tell you the wrath of God (not the ethereal one, the corporeal one, aka Corey Parker) will rain down upon you. Corey pretends to hate it but secretly LOVES when blokes in their early twenties who, despite being far too young to recognise ‘Cozza’ for his efforts on the field, call out ‘SC GOD’ to him as they pass in the supermarket or on Caxton Street. Sam Burgess took Corey’s single-season points record, and you two are obliterating his season best average. Take that, and all Corey will have left is his 13 Test caps, 19 Origin caps and 2006 Premiership. Don’t say you have not been warned. Oh, and that’s enough of the long face Tom – you are ranked Met Expectations because we all expect so much from you. And Nathan, you scored 54 points against the Bulldogs when Rob captained you AND went all the way to Penrith (which is a loooong way outside his Eastern Suburbs comfort zone I can tell you!) just to watch you play, so consider yourself lucky to get an ME rating.
Tohu Harris: I’ve got an interesting statistic for you Tohu (and please forgive the first name familiarity – having bemoaned the fact that I have not had you in my side for so long I feel we’re closer than we really are). At this point of the season you have played 1006 minutes and scored 1001 points. That’s some freakish consistency. Which should not seem all that freakish because that’s what you do isn’t it Tohu – you churn out base, you score the odd try, you just keep on keeping on delivering points for your happy – somewhat smug – ownership base. Don’t stop now Harris (see, sounds weird doesn’t it) because I have brought you into the Belalie Beasts this week and we are in serious need of help.
Angus Crichton: Come in, no, don’t sit Crichton, this won’t take long and I don’t want you getting comfortable. Did you not read the memo last week?? Go down in the 15th it said! Clutch at your knee in the final two minutes against the Panthers, clip Nathan on the chin if you had to, just DON’T GET PICKED FOR ORIGIN! And what did you do Angus? You played a bloody blinder didn’t you? You made 40+ tackles, you ran for 120+ metres and you bloody well got picked for Origin! Yes, I’m angry and yes I know that we here at Roosters HQ pretend we want you to do your best but don’t you understand that now Robbo may rest you for round 16 AND you will miss round 17. The bye round ANGUS, that’s the bye round! Get out, and get your hair cut – go with Gutherson they may give you a two for one on topknot removal!
Cameron Munster: Mr Munster, yes you do sit please – less chance of me copping an ‘accidental’ lashing from your leg that way isn’t there? Not much to pass on from the coach here. He did ask me to mention that it’s Melbourne not Queensland that pay your salary. We’d appreciate it if you could try to avoid getting too fired up at Suncorp on Sunday, as it’s getting harder and harder to convince the Match Review Committee that a young man with your sublime co-ordination when running with the ball, can suddenly lose control of his lower limbs when laying on the ground frustrated by an opponent. Outside of this area, you’re doing fine. In fact better than fine, just keep doing what you’re doing – except that kicking thing – Craig is the only one allowed to lash out with the boot at this club.
BELOW EXPECTATIONS
David Nofoaluma: Fool me once, shame on you David but fool me twice it’s double shame on you. I don’t care about how the saying is meant to go. All last year David we in HR kept saying – don’t believe the hype, he’ll slow down, the run will stop. And what did you do David? You kept scoring points. So this year the Beasts back you David. We stumped up the big money and we bought into the Nofoaluma hype. And for what? 57PPG?? Sure, that’s not bad – but it ain’t the 76PPG you averaged in 2020 or even the 65PPG in 2019. And YES I know Adam is not a sharer, that is something will we discuss with Mr Doueihi at his performance review, but you and I both know there’s some merit in turning the gaze inward here. It’s a little thing called effort and I’m not seeing it. You made 11 runs in round 14 and 10 in round 15 (admittedly you spent much of the game against the Storm watching Nicho Hynes take shots at goal but still …). If Adam, James, Moses or Luke won’t give you the ball go and get it. If not for you, then for me. Think of me – I know I am.
Payne Haas: You know what I saw on Wednesday June 5th Mr Haas? I saw you playing in a team you genuinely believed could win, I saw you enjoying your football, I saw you ripping in. And this is not to say you have not ripped in for the Broncos AT TIMES. But not all the time. Yes, yes I know Kevvie is playing silly buggers with your minutes but that’s because he thinks he can get more from you with less minutes. But rather than lift your PPM while averaging 11MPG less than 2020 your PPM has actually declined. No doubt it is tough to keep banging away through the middle for a club that is being so comprehensively beaten out wide so my tip is don’t bother. Save yourself for the Blues then let’s reassess post-Origin.
Jason Taumalolo – O Loleo, Loleo, wherefore art thou Loleo? No, I mean it, where the hell were you? Fifty seven minutes last week, fifty three the week before. Those minutes are kinda low compared to what we’ve been used to seeing but they were enough for you to do more than score 54 and 42 points. Where’s the wrecking ball man? I put you up high in the sky and now it slowly turned, you let me burn.*
* With apologies to both William Shakespeare and Miley Cyrus
Damien Cook - You know the problem here Cookie is not that your PPG average has declined for the third year running. It’s that just when I thought you were out, you pull me back in. You give me hope again. And ask any Parramatta fan, it’s the hope that really hurts. An opening round 36 had many thinking the ride was over then you scored 102. But you followed that up with 46 against the Roosters and so some people sold. THEN you scored 106 against the Bulldogs. Two tonnes in four games — that’s hope man. Which was of course dashed when you scored below 60PPG in six out of the next seven games. People finally cut the chain, they ended the pain; only for you to score 105 — against the Eels! It’s cruel Damien. It’s not nice.
PACK YOUR BOX AND LEAVE NOW
The high shot crackdown/injury rate – NO I’m not suggesting that protecting the health and safety of players is a bad thing. And, unlike some, I understand that SC is not life. Just, the crackdown has really kinda sucked for SC, so I’m having a little whinge here and asking whether maybe we could have more trades in 2022 to help us deal with the suspensions/injuries please King Tommy?
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